Welcome to my world and beyond...

A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Weekend Writing Warriors: October 4, 2015



Hello all. Happy October. The month of new frosty mornings, crisp apples, leaves like Joseph's coat...oh, and lest we forget...ghosts and ghouls.  Did I ever mention that the original Night of the Living Dead was filmed several miles from my house? A classic. :-)
            Welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors, a weekly bloghop.  Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 to 10 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good. 

                 Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
              This is Chapter 4 from my SFR WIP, Across The Night Sky . The protagonists have just defended against a second onslaught by the predators. Kuylrh is alert now, and Rissa is doctoring him. She is using a blue scarf he was wearing to hold her field dressing in place. My last snippet ended with this sentence: ""The award for best portrayal of a typical man goes to my golden-eyed friend…” "       

Creative punctuation alert. 


We continue from there :
            Her words trailed off as she peered into his face, at the man who’d immediately looked her in the eye when she’d begun to speak.  His gaze penetrated her with such kindness, such gratitude, such…  The right words escaped her.  Nice eyes.  
She tied a bow at the front of his chest, pulling the cloth tight to apply solid, steady pressure. Unsure whether it was laughter or sobs she was fighting, she swallowed hard. It was unreal, yet all too real, the sight of him with that big, blue bow...like a gift just waiting to be given. 
She sat down, her back against the wall, and tugged him to where his head was once again on her lap. And they waited.


 

That's it. What works? What doesn't? I'm so very grateful for any comment or criticism you leave. :-) 


We're going for a drive to Central PA to a place called gravity hill. I see there are places all over the country with the same optical illusion. Anyway, I'll be back later to visit you all and read your wonderful writing!  Have a great Sunday all. :-)

Update Sunday morning. I've been missing our regular gal, Sarah W. She had a rush trip to the hospital in late August for acute pancreatitis . I went to her fb page looking for an update, then went to her hubby's page. On Sept 27th, he wrote this:
"Quick update on Sarah for everyone: she is still in the hospital in Iowa City but has been making very good progress in her recovery. She is noticeably stronger and has a very positive outlook for herself and her recovery as she continues to improve. Her doctor wanted her to move to a long-term care facility in Davenport last week but the insurance company wanted her to stay into this weekend. Hopefully tomorrow we will find out what day she will be released to come back closer to home. She's going to be in the care facility for at least two weeks but it will be a positive for the whole family to have her in town as opposed to an hour drive away."

Anyway, it's a long, tough, recovery for her. In case anyone wants to leave a note, or send a message. https://www.facebook.com/sarah.wesson.3?pnref=eh   and   https://wessonblog.wordpress.com/

52 comments:

  1. "Hysteria" seems like a strong word for the excitement one feels when a pretty man is wrapped up like a gift (unless I'm misinterpreting). Maybe something more reminiscent of excitement or the flutter of attraction? Great snippet, Teresa. :)

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    1. :-) I've done some tweaking. It's more the case that she's in shock. The situation has become surreal. She's terrified, yet she's moving forward on autopilot. :-)

      Thanks for your crit, Siobhan! :-)

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  2. Nice snippet. I agree with Siobhan about hysteria, but then I've not read your previous entries, and this might all tie in together like one big blue bow...
    Hope you enjoy gravity hill, and have nice weather.

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    1. Thanks, Sue. I've done some tweaking. Still subject to change. Thanks for your crit! :-)

      I've heard that gravity hills all have some incredible optical illusions causing them. I hope it's neat. :-) Thank you!

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  3. You're from the Pittsburgh area? I live in Kittanning.

    I love the way she kind of gave up and summarized the feelings as "Nice eyes."

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    1. I'm glad you liked that, Paula. It's been a challenge, trying to articulate what she's feeling in this situation. ;-)

      North of Pgh. I actually work in West Hills a little each week. Monday mornings we have a mandatory meeting at R&D (pretty close to the hospital). And our corporate office is up there. I'm in Freeport most of the time. :-) We should meet for lunch sometime. :-)

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  4. I also agree about "hysteria" feeling like a somewhat odd word choice, but perhaps it makes more sense in the entire context of the story.

    I love her reaction to his eyes. They're such amazing windows to the soul.

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    1. Eyes truly are. They are huge in his culture. People are judged by the color of their eyes more than they are by the color of their skin. :-)

      Thanks for visiting, Carrie-Anne!

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  5. I like how she couldn't find the words she wanted, and ended up with the lame "nice eyes." From that, I get the impression she's either uneducated or not terribly verbal, and she sees this as a frustrating flaw.

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    1. :-) Thanks for visiting and taking the time to comment, Ed. :-)

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  6. Your work always flows so effortlessly, Teresa. I got the heightened emotion that had nothing and everything to do with Rissa's response to Kuhlr. I love how you moved on from your action scene, keeping the tension up, and not losing the pace.

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    1. Thanks for all of your encouragement, Kim!

      I don't feel the flow. It feels clunky to me. That might have a lot to do with working and reworking these sentences for an hour. lol

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  7. Nice poetic scene. I like the part about her being unable to describe his eyes.

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  8. Good emotional excerpt here, I get a sense that she's afraid things may get worse emotionally if she doesn't physically do things to keep her mind active. By the end of this scene, she seems to have just progressed to emotional exhaustion. Gotta sympathize with somebody who's on that crazy of a rollercoaster!

    A tiny suggestion? It's always me isn't it? LOL! In the first paragraph you use eye/eyes three times. Each use, though, is different from the others so maybe think about adding a couple of short sentences so the repetitions aren't so close together? Repetition like that is something that stood out to me even before I started writing. Just a thought. Thank for picking up right after the last excerpt!

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    1. Thanks, Marcia. And once again, thank you for your crit--I never mind them and I always appreciate them. I took it to heart and immediately started tweaking it. :-)

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  9. Great descriptions Teresa! You really captured this moment between them!

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  10. I adore the fact that she is mesmerized by his eyes (one of the things I always notice about others), they say so much about a person. My favorite line in this snippet is "the sight of him with that big, blue bow...like a gift just waiting to be given." Wow, nice...

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    1. Squee! I've liked that line since the day I wrote this (10 years ago). My mom liked it too. Thanks so much, Chelle. :-)

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  11. This scene is just great. I love her impression of him, how she's drawn to him and yet realizes she might be nearing an emotional collapse. Very well done.

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  12. Great snippet, Teresa! She seems so utterly spent. I love the sense that they're taking comfort in each other.

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    1. She is exhausted. I'm so glad to read that you picked up on that. :-) Thanks, Eleri!

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  13. I liked the big blue bow - all wrapped up and waiting.

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    1. Yep. Lots of things stand in the way to her opening THAT gift. :-) Thanks, Aurora!

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  14. I got a good sense of their connection from last time, and yet she's fighting it. Nicely done!

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  15. Well done! I could feel the emotional admiration. Th last sentence was a perfect tie up.

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  16. I hope they get help soon. Great scene. :)

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    1. It's coming. :-) Thanks for visiting, Jennifer!

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  17. First off, the opening to your blog post was as enticing and mesmerizing as your snippet!! Always a pleasure to come by.
    Second, NO, you never mentioned that Night of the Living Dead was filmed near you!!! How cool is that??
    Glad to hear Sarah is doing better, thanks for the update.

    NOW, onto the snippet...nice job building her feelings for him. The imagery of the bow tied like a gift, well done!! I do hope it's a gift she gets to unwrap before long... :)

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    1. Thanks, Rose! Yeppers. The gift will be hers, in time... :-)

      NOTLD--there's been some unhappiness among locals about the notoriety that the infamous cemetery receives during the annual festival. http://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2014/05/14/possible-expansion-of-night-of-the-living-dead-festival-causing-controversy/

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  18. Utterly fantastic, Teresa! Gripping!

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  19. Oh, I have been away from reading everyone's stories for far too long. This is delightful. Love it!

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  20. I love the last line which is in such contrast to all of the effort to save the guy.

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  21. What worked? ALL of it! Excellent snippet. I didn't read the 'hysteria' version, but this version absolutely evokes shock.

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    1. Thanks, Karysa! I'm stoked that the shock came through for you!

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  22. Things are definitely surreal for her, but she noticed his 'nice eyes'. Love it.

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  23. Sweet little moment in the midst of all the frightening stuff. I loved the way you change pace, let the readers and the characters 'just breathe' and the detail about the blue bow is priceless. A nice touch, great snippet!

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  24. A present with a pretty blue bow. Who could resist? (After he's healed up, of course.)

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  25. Teresa this is something we all can resonate with. Patient, anxious and being afraid waiting for "something".... I think this is a great snippet! Can't wait to read more of it!!

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    1. :-) Wonderful words, Marjaan. Thanks for the encouragement! :-)

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  26. Great snippet. I'm not sure I have the right word for her either though.

    And Gravity Hill is pretty neat! I've been there camping, live in Pittsburgh myself, too.

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    1. Cool! It's neat that you've been to gravity hill. Holy cow--our GPS malfunctioned. Cellphone navigation failed when we had no signal, lol. We were lost for quite a while!

      Thanks for visiting!

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