Weekend Writing
Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 to 10 sentences of
their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday,
and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment,
critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart
good.
Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
This
is Chapter 4 from my SFR WIP, Across The Night Sky .
The protagonists have just defended against a second onslaught by the
predators. Kuylrh is alert now, and Rissa is doctoring him. Last week's snippet ended with this sentence: "At least semi-darkness and absolute fatigue cloaked the moment." Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
Creative punctuation alert.
We continue from there :
“She pressed against him while she worked the fabric--which turned out to be a scarf, around his back. He leaned his face into her at just about bra level, his warm breath making her acutely aware of how cold she was. Then he jerked, catching his breath, and moaned.
“You’ll
be okay.” She finished drawing the fabric
around him, then leaned back to even the ends. She watched him purposelessly—and
shamelessly give her a survey starting at her neck, down to her breasts,
lingering, and on down to her navel. “What a surprise. Knocking on death’s
door, and yet…" She shook her head at him, feigning a scold. "The award for best portrayal of a typical man goes to my
golden-eyed friend…”
.That's it. What works? What doesn't? I'm so very grateful for any comment or criticism you leave. :-)
Loving it Teresa! He is going to be interesting company 😊
ReplyDeleteYou mention the scarf in the first line, and then again as' fabric that turned out to be a scarf'- maybe the first reference should be more generic so the impact of the second is clear?
Good catch, Paula! I've tweaked it some. Probably not done with it yet. It's clunky. :-) Thanks for your encouraging words!
DeleteThis might be the most entertaining snippet of yours that I've read. Believable and humorous.
ReplyDeleteWhew. I wasn't sure. It can be so cliche, or worse, going in that direction in fiction. I'm glad it's well received, Ed. I trust your opinion. Thank you!
DeleteHe could be on death's door and of course he'd notice her in a very male way. lol Enjoyed the snippet.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Karen! :-)
DeleteHe may be severely injured but he ain't dead yet, lol. Great line "The award for best portrayal of a typical man".
ReplyDeleteHa! Thanks, Chelle! :-)
DeleteI loved the line "What a surprise. Knocking on death's door, yet..."
ReplyDeleteThat so humanizes them, Teresa. I liked the emotion in this snippet.
Thanks, Paula. I'm glad the emotion came through! :-)
DeleteI love the tone of this excerpt: sensuous yet playful, serious but at the same time with enough fun dialogue to keep it from getting too heavy. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven. She's really sort of punch-drunk at this point. An inch away from hysterical at any given moment. :-)
DeleteHe notices her while he's wounded, but if he's a typical man, he'll think he's dying when he gets a cold.
ReplyDeleteHaha! So true, Cara. Thanks for visiting.
DeleteLove the last line! Who's gonna win that award? Great descriptions in the snippet. It's great to see your snippets again!
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you back! Thanks, Frank! :-)
DeleteLOL! So alien and yet so human. But is it really what she thinks? Looking forward to more of this.
ReplyDeleteNah, she's so confused right now. She flip-flops back and forth. And way worse things are to come... Thanks for visiting!
DeleteTime to read one of your snippets, soon. :-)
Elevator eyes, even in life's last moments. :-) Great snippet!
ReplyDeleteHaha!
DeleteElevator eyes..." Nice!
Thanks, Christina!
Love her sarcasm. This is a great snippet!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lashell! :-)
DeleteLOL, I love her last line. Great humor and unexpected comment. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Michelle!
DeleteHe grows more intriguing each week.
ReplyDeleteOh gosh. I hope he continues to do so. Thanks, Aurora!
DeleteI love her final line in the snippet! Excellent, can't wait for more of the story.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica! Encouragement much appreciated. :-)
DeleteMarvelous snippet. The dialogue is witty and her remarks are so today.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charmaine! :-) Good things to read about this snippet. :-)
DeleteHa! Love her gentle care for him to her sarcasm at the end. :)
ReplyDeleteYeppers, lol. It's a fine line, Lorien--isn't it? Having the character capable of sarcasm--and also vulnerable at times. I hope she comes across as very real to the readers. Thanks for visiting. :-)
DeleteThis is great. Tender and sexy, with a touch of humor. *happy sigh*
ReplyDeleteTouche, Eleri! Your comment makes me happy. Thank you!
DeleteLOL, I love that last line! A nicely written visual image of the scene. As always, a great snippet. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rose! The MC has really evolved from the first draft. It still amazes --the whole writing process. :-)
DeleteNice, yeah that's a typical man for you! Very hot!!! I can totally visualize this scene! Great job!
ReplyDeleteWoohoo! Thanks for all the encouraging words, Neva. :-)
DeleteYep, typical. I liked the interaction between them. I could visualize the scene clearly.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Elaine! :-)
DeleteEven a dying man would probably look, and he doesn't seem quite that injured. Not that she seems to really mind.
ReplyDelete:-) Just a tiny flicker starting--even in the worst of times and the worst of places. Instinct drives existence... Thanks for visiting!
DeleteLOL Of course he would look, and I'm sure he placed his head there on purpose. *grin* She doesn't seem too upset so... Great snippet, Teresa!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Elyzabeth :-)
DeleteChemistry at work here! Love it!
ReplyDelete:-) Thanks, Dani!
DeleteTeresa: thanks for stopping by!! Regarding above, I agree with Kim M that the reference to the scarf could be generic in the beginning and then specific as the reader reads further.... Other than that its perfectly entertaining!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Marjaan! It's good to see you :-)
Delete