world--you guys really are. :-)
Weekend Writing
Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 to 10 sentences of
their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday,
and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment,
critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart
good.
Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
This
is Chapter 4 from my SFR WIP, Across The Night Sky .
The protagonists have just defended against a second onslaught by the
predators. Kuylrh is alert now, and Rissa is doctoring him. There is now
a small group gathered where they are, banding together against the
man-eaters.Last week's snippet ended with this sentence: "A strange and incredibly ill-timed smirk settled
across his lips. Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
Creative punctuation alert.
We continue from there with Rissa speaking:
“I don’t know what you’re smiling about. Maybe you’ve lost enough blood that your brain’s deprived.” His smirk was contagious. Hysteria teased. She grinned back, barely holding in laughter--the kind that's so inappropriate and then becomes unstoppable. Just the weirdness of the situation, how it felt like she was trapped in a horror film or, God... she couldn’t make it right in her mind. Unbelievable. Sitting there, in her bra, among strangers and wild animals bent on eating them all, and in what building? Field dressing a big guy that—she wasn’t sure, but suspected she could've seen in the pages of National Geographic illustrating ancient warfare. At least semi-darkness and absolute fatigue cloaked the moment.
That's it. What works? What doesn't? I'm so very grateful for any comment or criticism you leave. :-)
I love how you've produced so much internal tension between opposites. Smiling despite blood loss. Laughter that's inappropriate. Trapped in a horror film that's reality. A guy that might, she isn't sure, be straight out of National Geographic. Excellent snippet.
ReplyDeleteThe only part that stopped me was "Sitting here in her bra among strangers and beasts..." Because of 'bra', I read that last word as 'breasts', and since that couldn't be right, I read it again. Same thing. It took three readings to get my filthy male mind out of the gutter.
lolol. Hmm, now that gives me pause, Ed. I'll toy with the wording. I never saw that word connection coming.
DeleteThanks for the feedback!
I agree with Ed (not about the breast thing lol!) wonderful writing, we all know that moment of disbelief that brings on uncontrollable laughter, very visual snippet!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gemma! :-)
DeleteExcellent piece as always,Teresa. I love the way it flows. It made me smile along.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kim!
DeleteI think we can all relate to fighting off the inappropriate yet hysterical laughter. The National Geographic reference created a pretty clear picture in my mind. Great snippet as always!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Christina! :-)
DeleteYour writing makes it easy to get caught up in the utter dichotomous strangeness of this moment, Christina. You always do a great job us dragging us into your character's worlds.
ReplyDeleteThanks Steven. It is a weird sort of juxtaposition I'm aiming for. :-)
DeleteYou've done it again, Teresa. We're captured by the snippet; your use of words-love the National Geographic imagery-and inappropriate laughter. Ed, behave or is that impossible?
ReplyDeleteWonderful snippet, Teresa.
Haha! That might be impossible! Thanks Charmaine. :-)
DeleteOh my goodness, Teresa, you have me grinning this morning! So easy to relate to this scene, and it's wonderfully written, of course! Awesome job! :D
ReplyDeleteThanks Evelyn!
DeleteThis is a great moment shared between two people. Really makes me connect to them. I liked the National Geographic image but was surprised by it. Didn't realize Rissa is an earthling (maybe I forgot from earlier snippets).
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you connected with them, Alexis. Thank you!
DeleteYeppers. Rissa is from Earth, and just about to begin coming to terms with the idea that she's been abducted by aliens. :-) I came up with the best plausible way I could in which the abduction happened--who did it and why. It's all central to the story arc and what happens at the end of the book. ~sigh~ I will get hate mail.
Oh, this snippet had me grinning - it's like their own mirth is jumping out at me. Great snippet, Teresa! Loved it!
ReplyDeleteHaha! And now your mirth is jumping out at me. Thanks for visiting!
DeleteThis piece is funny and horrific at the same time.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Aurora. It actually is--I think you're spot on. :-)
DeleteLove her inner thoughts as she tries to process everything. Love that his smirk is contagious. :) Made me smile.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it made you smile, Karen. Thanks!
DeleteI forget what made him smirk now but I don't think of smirk as genuine humor. Maybe I'm confusing it with snark! Anyway, I enjoyed her thoughts and especially the part about her trying to make the situation right in her mind. So, a terrific snippet!
ReplyDelete:-) <--- BIG smile. Thank you, Veronica! :-)
DeleteOh wow, Nat'l Geo still exists at this time/place? And I liked the ending line, how fatigue helps dampen her alarm at the current situation. Nice snippet (as always!!)
ReplyDeleteIt does, Rose. This all takes place in current time. The flashbacks are only two years old. :-) Thanks for the encouraging words!
DeleteI really like her voice. She's in a crazy situation, but you make it feel very relatable.
ReplyDeleteSo happy to read that, Eleri! :-)
DeleteThe National Geographic reference is inspired. We can all relate to it.
ReplyDeleteNeat! Thanks, Elaine!
DeleteShe's lucky she didn't give in to the laughter, it'd be almost impossible to stop. And I think the craziness has only just begun,
ReplyDeleteYes, indeed, Caitlin. Plenty of crazy to go around. Thanks!
DeleteI wonder if laughing along after taking the blue cloth seals a deal that she isn't remotely aware of?
ReplyDeleteI used to pore over my grandfather's National Geographics...and the idea of tending a big guy while in my bra....I'm glad she's a bit too tired and numb to really think about the circumstances!
I think you should ask a few other men to read this, and see if they read it the same way Ed did!
Well, Shan, you're on to something. There's some cultural practices at work here. I'm so glad you picked up on that. Thanks!
DeleteI like the last line!
ReplyDelete:-) Thanks, Chip. It means a lot. You're a tough customer. I mean that in the best of ways. :-)
DeleteGreat scene. Love the ending and the National Geographic reference. I can totally imagine this very intriguing situation. The beginning made me smile for some reason. I love her character, she is so very real!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Neva! :-) I'm so glad you think she seems real. :-)
DeleteThis deep POV is wonderful. I really get a sense of Rissa's personality in this snippet. Especially from phrases like she "suspected she could've seen in the pages of National Geographic illustrating ancient warfare."
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tamara! I like deep third, but it isn't without its challenges. I have concurrent story-lines running through the book, and one is first person. And there's an omniscient narrator (the wise-woman mythos) who has to chime in occasionally to defray possible confusion.
DeleteI'm just tickled that you liked this snippet! Thank you :-)