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Saturday, April 28, 2012

Six Sentence Sunday April 29, 2012






This week, immersing myself in editing Aaydan's Tale, I pulled out this snippet from the second chapter.  For this particular scene, I worked a local (fictional) dialect in.  Is it irritating? Distracting?  There is a full page of it in this scene, and a few other pages scattered throughout  the book. 

In this scene, the reader still has not been told that the tall man is Aaydan--the newborn from the first chapter.   And Aaydan is wearing a hood, pulled forward to hide his face.




"Stepping up to the bar, Kad ordered two sloshes, dark and strong, one for him and one for Drave.

The barkeep nodded the third man’s direction and said, “N’what’ll he have?” 

Kad noted the barkeep’s studious appraisal of the shadow hiding his tall friend’s face, “He'll have a shot'o the grain, and a chaser'o cherry brew for warshing it down.” 

Remaining stone-faced, Kad watched Drave smirk after turning his head away.  The accent was foreign, but was necessary to pass as local brogue.

It had worked.  The barkeep’s looks of suspicion faded as soon as Kad had ordered for the man without a face; hard alcohol removed certain possibilities."


Visit the complete list of  talented Six Sentence Sunday participants HERE

A quick plug for my critique partner,  Daniela, at Idiots and Earthquakes.  Daniela is new to the Six Sentence Sunday, and hopes people will visit her and comment. :-)



 

26 comments:

  1. What interests me about your bartenders dialogue is how quickly those couple of words caused me to paint a mental image of, not just the bar keeper, but also what I think the bar itself looks like.

    As for Kad's dialouge, I think it works nicely and seems to have a nice tempo.

    The only thing about your six that doesn't work for me is this bit,

    "looks of suspicion faded" which feels awkward to me and doesn't seem to match the rhythm of your writing. Maybe you should try something like the suspicion on the bartenders face faded, or the the bartenders smile and cheerful demeanor returned as he reached for a bottle, his suspicions laid to rest. Just a suggestion.

    Over all I think this was a very nice 6.

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    1. :-) Hi Jess. Now that you pointed it out, I see how awkward it does feel. Good suggestions for a fix. I'll work on it before moving on. Thank you! :-)

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  2. I like very much the idea, that blending in a cultural setting - not hiding from it - goes along with removing suspicion. Those guys are pros!
    Teresa, those are great, they feel like more than six lines information-content wise, and what a wonderful prelude to my Sunday they are!

    P.S. I am happy to have found a dictionary with a bit of urban tilt, it even covered the word chaser. It is quite self-explanatory, now that I think about it. :)

    P.P.S. Thank you so much for your support! You are my wingman!! Yes, I looked that up, too. :)

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    1. Hi Dana! Thanks! I love that you found your new dictionary! "Chaser" and "wingman"-- very cool that it includes those words. :-)

      I like having a wingman :-) Thanks for visiting. Now heading to check out your and Jess's posts. :-)

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  3. I think the local dialect adds to the setting beautifully. Well done, Teresa!

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  4. Hi! I particularly like your last sentence. Some dialect helps me feel like I really am somewhere else, not just a little unknown Earth town. If I may suggest, I think adding "to warsh it down" might not be needed, since by definition that's what a chaser is for. But you could leave out "chaser" to keep the bit of dialect. I'll be back next week :) ~Marcia/Owllady

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    1. Hi Marsha...yes, lol, now I see how redundant that is! I think "warsh it down" must go. There is enough additional dialectal language in this scene to carry it. Thank you for visiting, and pointing that out. :-)

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  5. I liked the dialect, works for me-- I also like how you did a little characterization with it, showing how adaptable and savvy Kad is...

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    1. Thanks for sharing your insight, Angela :-) Much appreciated!

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  6. Your barkeep is smart to keep his eye on all mysterious shadows lurking in his joint. Good six!

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    1. Thanks, Wildcat's wife! I thought so, too. :-)

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  7. Love the air of secrecy and the mood of the snippet. Great six!

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    1. Thanks, Karyn. I was trying for secrecy :-) ! Thanks for stopping :-)

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  8. I like that the barkeeper was reassured that the 'shadowed man' was drinking. Though I expect demons toss back a few as often as they can . . .

    The dialect isn't overpowering to me--and it helps to know that this isn't going to be the norm for the speaker (right?).

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    1. Cool that you noticed that, Sarah. It is a plot detail that identifies his kind. Their innate intolerance of alcohol :-) Thanks for visiting :-)

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  9. The faked dialect and the reassurance brought by drinking hard liquor- that was very entertaining. I fear the phrase 'warshing it down' should go, to keep the dialogue believable, but I enjoyed reading it. I wanted him to say 'varmint' too- so maybe it was a bit distracting, but not in a bad way! The secrecy angle was strong- not overplayed- made me curious :-)

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    1. haha! Lily...lolol...wrong bar scene. There are several in the book ,and each is steeped in local dialect mingled with drunken blathering :-) Thanks for giving this a read. One more A to Z post! :-)

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  10. No, I like the dialect. I thought you did it very well...

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  11. I like the dialect to add a bit of variety and atmosphere. That said, you are smart to use it sparingly. The last line had me intrigued and now I know why the alcohol is important (I read your other responses). :) Can't wait to see what happens next.

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    1. Hi Lorraine! Thanks you. I could only judge by how I would feel reading a book in a sort of backwoods dialect. I couldn't read a lot of it :-) Thanks for visiting :-) !

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  12. I like the dialect. Sounds very authentic.

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    1. Thank you, Elaine. Whew...I hoped that it didn't sound contrived :-)

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  13. The dialect is explained later in the six, so I think it all works nicely. :)

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    1. Thanks, Jessica. lol..that was unintentional. But...now that you mention it, it works! :-) Thanks for visiting :-)

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