Week 3 "Let the Swordplay Begin"
Welcome to another #8sunday post. This week returning to my WIP, ATNS, and making the selection for today's 8 sentences using the random scrolling method, I've landed fairly early in the story. Our heroine, Rissa (in her dream world), has just learned that she must learn how to fight with a sword. Cuylrh gathered the entire group, the existing Guard members, along with Jia and Rissa, and made the announcement that Rissa would have to first learn how to fight, and then qualify for admission into the Kings' Guard by besting an opponent. At the same time, Rissa's new found friend and ally, Jia, has been offered the same deal, to best an opponent within the Guard to qualify for admission. Jia has fought with swords all of her life, and this is her opportunity to show she's as good as any man-- by becoming a King's Guard in the patriarchal and often misogynistic Rialtan Empire. Dhurstan is Cuylrh's best friend, a he-whoring troublemaker, arrogant, and despises Rissa-- along with Cuylrh's obvious affection for her.
This snippet is in Rissa's POV.
"Senseless and dumb, she looked down at her feet, at her
sturdy shoes from Earth, from home, from a place with rules where no one lived
and died by the sword. She’d only forced her hiker-clad feet to take two steps through dust and ashes, away
from the fire when Jia shouted behind her.
Rissa turned and stared, still numb from the shock of impending
swordplay she now knew she must endure. Jia’s
voice sang with confidence, and commanded with authority when she pulled her sword from its sheath and let loose words into the frighteningly
still air, “Dhurstan of Rialt, I challenge you.”
The fight was loud and violent, a prolonged audible assault
that lasted until Jia, with a spinning move, flung his sword out of his hand. Her
advance was a fluid motion, part ballerina, part warrior as she planted her
foot into his stomach sending him sprawling on his back. It all came to a stop where Dhurstan lay disarmed, humiliation painted across his face, with Jia’s foot pressed against his chest and her sword tip biting at the
underside of his chin."
That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad. I'd love to hear it. Thank you so much for visiting!
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Well done Jia! Does she finish him off? Rissa must be so nervous and I feel for her. Great suspense, Teresa. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Debbie. Nah, he's a central character, and the main character of the second book in the series. lol--I wish I had known how to write when I wrote them. Rewriting is a tough business. ;-)
DeleteA visual action sequence, and a very well-written one! Great 8! :) Oh boy, Dhurstan will not take it well..
ReplyDeleteDhurstan is such a rotten person. Dang--he was so much fun to redeem. Thanks, Dana :-)
DeleteWe are women, hear us roar. . .and you wrote a roaring Jia! Super eight, Teresa.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charmaine! ~roaring~ :-)
DeleteI'm liking how this is progressing! I love that Jia challenged Dhurstan himself.
ReplyDeleteOne little bump for me: and you might've left it out because of the word limit: I'd really like to see some details of Jia's fight. The way it would be described from Rissa's POV would be very enlightening - what does she think about the fight, knowing she has to learn to do that? Can she imagine herself making the same moves?
What a fun story. You've got obviously different character personalities here and that adds richness :)
Thanks, Owly. :-) Lots of food for thought here today. I'm not sure what to make of it-- she does learn how to fight with a sword, and in depth lessons are fed along with the story, to the reader and Rissa. Right now, it is all the unknown to her,. And I probably should convey at least that much. ~sigh~ more rewriting. lol. I've got another WIP going. Yikes. I've got to get it organized. I need to find a life by summer. :-)
DeleteMostly I feel for poor Rissa, who is clearly in a no win situation! I also enjoyed the description of the fight. Excellent excerpt!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica! Right now she's too numb to be terrified. :-)
DeleteTeresa, the visuals in this scene are fantastic. It's a beautifully choreographed snippet. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess! :-)
DeleteNice use of detail to paint the scene Teresa, I like it!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven! :-)
DeleteYour descriptions are wonderful--I love "Her advance was a fluid motion, part ballerina, part warrior..." Wow! Totally saw it! One small thing, you might want to watch your "ly" adverbs--try to find verbs that do the job--i.e., "dramatically" and "frighteningly" in one sentence. Actually, that sentence works very well if you just take out "dramatically"--if she's pulling a sword out its sheath as she shouts, it's dramatic--you don't have tell us that. What do you think? Make sense?
ReplyDeleteYes, Nan, it makes absolute sense! I really do get blind to my own words, lol. Thanks so much for an excellent observation :-)
DeleteI agree with nan. You don't need dramatically or frighteningly. Your description is dome very well, you made me see and feel it without those two words. Good writing.
ReplyDeleteThanks, History Sleuth! :-)
DeleteI agree with Owllady; I'd really like to see you expand this action. I'm already feeling Rissa's distress, but seeing more of what she's facing (and not at all prepared for) will heighten my concern even more. Besides, you write action scenes so well! :D
ReplyDeleteAdvice much appreciated and taken to heart. Owly and you never steer me wrong. :-) Thanks, Monica. :-)
DeleteLol @ "random scrolling method"...
ReplyDeleteI love how this piece ends. My first thoughts: he's not going to take this very well... No man likes to be humiliated, especially not by a girl...
Great job :)
lol, yep, you're right, Keeley! Both of our snippets involved that today :-) Thank you :-)
DeleteOh, I should add that I learned the "random scrolling method" from kate Warren (a couple of comments away from you.) :-)
DeleteSounds like Dhurstan (love that name!) deserved exactly what he got. Wonder if he'll retaliate?
ReplyDeleteHa! Indeed. Retaliate he does--in spades. But his day will come. :-) Thanks, Sarah :-)
DeleteGo Jia! He needs to be taken down a peg (or five). Awesome eight, Teresa!
ReplyDeleteGo Jia, lol. Yes, Kate, his day will come. The depths of despair. Thanks!
DeleteKick his ass, Jia! What a great snippet. I'd love it if you extended the fight scene a little more, ramp up the energy, but I really liked how Jia took him down. Nicely done, Teresa. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the critting, Siobhan. Noted and will be working on a rewrite this week. :-) lol--and I love how the ladies on these comments are all about "kick his ass!" lol...
DeleteGreat snippet, but I agree with the others that more details about the fight would give it more visual impact for the reader.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Paula! Noted and will work on it. :-)
DeleteLovely language, Teresa. It's a lot of fun, very dynamic. Some show as well as well as tell would make it perfect. Do a Jia and kick that WIP's butt!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your advice, Kylie. Still learning :-) I appreciate all shared wisdom. :-)
DeleteI personally am not into fight scenes, but I agree this one could use more detail not only of the fight scene itself, but of Rissa's emotions watching it.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sue. Noted and assimilating :-)
DeleteIt's poetically beautiful, but I don't feel that anticipation of something epic getting ready to happen. Honestly, your writing is so beautiful I got lost in the imagery and only after the fact did I realize... hey... where's the tension of the fight?
ReplyDeleteThen again this is a snippet, so you could already have it there. :D Still, loved it. I love how you write. :)
And I totally spaced on uploading my 8 today! Shoot, next week. :p
I missed your name yesterday, Marie, but I don't want to people to feel like I'm heckling them to sign up. There were times when I forgot to sign up on the SixSunday site, and I went ahead and did the post, and then I went to the list and visited people. Most made a return visit. I hope you remember next week!
DeleteThanks for your critting. I have some work to do on it. I swear, rewriting is like dirty dishes--never done ;-)
I like the fact that Jia is Rissa's new found friend. You have proved Jia's ability to us, hopefully she will become Rissa's mentor. To someone inexperienced, just the weight of the sword is one thing to manage. Rissa needs a skilled teacher.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carol :-) Good point about the weight of the sword. :-)
DeleteThe fight is beautifully fluid, but I must admit I like a blow by blow account for a little bit of a fight. But that's just me. Gorgeous writing.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jenna. I reworked it yesterday. Twice as long, but much better.
DeleteI liked all the emotional details and don't really miss the fight description too much. I usually hate blow-by-blow descriptions and subscribe to the less-is-more philosophy in this are. Enjoyed the snippet.
ReplyDelete~Joyce Scarbrough
Thank you Joyce! It was good hearing your opinion. When I rewrote it, I discovered that I had a difficult time straying from emotions while infusing action. I guess I'll always be more a character driven writer than a plot driven writer That might not work with fantasy :-)
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