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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: March 17, 2013


Week 7: "A chade fight..."
Welcome gr8ters! Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly blog-hop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at Weekend Writing Warriors, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between 12:00 noon Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST.  Then we visit each other, read, comment, critique, encourage--all those great things that do a solitary writer's heart good.

Give it a try--we're a pretty nice bunch of people.  :-)

This week, returning to my WIP, ATNS, and immediately following last week's 8 sentence post (if you want to read it first, it's HERE ) this takes place about half way through the story.

Rissa has been training with the sword for well over a month, day in and day out. Eat, sleep, drink, breathe, sword.  The method the group is using to teach her is simple and brutal. Any of them can (and do) draw on her anytime, anyplace, on any given day-- with very few  exceptions. They have all been warned not to draw blood on her. All have complied, but Dhurstan has come as close as possible without earning punishment from Cuylrh.

Rissa is exhausted, thin as a rail, and has been pushed to her limit by Dhurstan's  incessant tormenting. The ultimate in waking on the wrong side of the bed-furs has occurred- finally giving Rissa the moxie to do what she must. To best one of the group with her sword.

*Note "chade" is a Rialtan word, rough translation into Earth  English is, "bitch".

  And Norstar, one of the young King's guards, has been impressed by Rissa's tenacity and effort throughout the training.

Today's snippet:  

Black tears streaked down his ash covered face as Dhurstan spun the whole way around, squinting then blinking over and over, no doubt searching for his weapon.

In her opponent's weak moment, Rissa  tackled him-- dropping her sword as she launched herself.  No holds barred, she bit, she scratched, kicked, slapped and she even pulled his hair, then, after toppling him to the ground, she leaned out, grabbed her sword, and laid it across his throat. Through clenched teeth, a fierce voice came from someplace deep within her, someplace that had never seen the light of day, resonating steel no less hair-raising than the song of the executioner's sword.  Her breaths were deep and fast, and stinging sweat ran into her eyes as she warned, “Do you yield?  I mean it Dhurstan--you yield, or I swear to the Giver above, you won’t live to torment me another day!”



More tears of ash irritation, or possibly from hot embarrassment ran from his eyes as he scanned the crowd  of astonished onlookers, finally coming to rest on Cuylrh, then he blurted, “She... she cheated--it  was a chade fight!”



Amid snickers that followed Dhurstan's whining, Norstar quipped, “You say it was a chade fight, yet by all appearances, you are the one who must yield?” 
  

That's it.  What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom..  Thank you so much for visiting! 


Note* If you are launching a book, offering one for free promotion, or  have a blogpost you'd like shared, tweet me @Teresa_Willow and I will retweet it for you. :-)


60 comments:

  1. "Through clenched teeth, a fierce voice came from someplace deep within her, someplace that had never seen the light of day, resonating steel no less hair-raising than the executioner's song sung by a sword." Amazing what jumps out at you at a moment of extreme emotion! She has achieved the impossible and here it is!

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    1. Thanks, Carol. yeah...she does achieve what she believed to be impossible. :-)

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  2. I agree with Red Wing Citizen. That is one powerful piece of writing. Kudos, Teresa!

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  3. Those eight sentences certainly captured and held my attention :-) Very nice tension throughout.I do like the sentence commented upon by the previous two posters. Good job. [Blogger won't accept my OpenID so I had to post as anonymous - thank you for your comments on my WeWriWa Susan Stuckey from http://wp.me/p37cEC-6G]

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    1. Thanks, Susan, and it was my pleasure reading your posts!

      I wish the blog platforms could all reach some sort of truce on the comment wars. ;-)

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  4. Good thing he has the ash to excuse those tears!

    I like the reminder that she has a personal grudge against this particular opponent. Excellent!

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    1. Thanks, Sarah! Stand up to a bully. Sometimes it changes everything--even if it takes some time.

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  5. You had me at "black tears."
    Your narration worked.
    Sometimes I prefer to see the characters just do it, rather than be told about it, but you did fine here.

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    1. Hi Chip. It's an internal struggle for me...short snappy sentences to drive the action, or stay in voice to describe it all. It'll change another half dozen times (at least) before it's published. ;-)

      Thanks for visiting.

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  6. Excellent fight scene! She bested him for sure, the whiner. Take your lumps!

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    1. lol, yes, the whiner taking his lumps!

      Thanks for visiting, HS!

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  7. That was intense! Great eight. I need to read more. The explanation of the word chade helped the understanding of the excerpt. I loved the scene.

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    1. So nice to see you, Denise! :-) Thank you :-)

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  8. Dynamite, Teresa. Chade, indeed. You poured everything into this eight including her voice.

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  9. Thrilling! Reminds me of a scene from Game of Thrones. :-)

    ~Joyce Scarbrough

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    1. Wow! Thank you Joyce! ~grinning like a fool~

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    1. Thanks, Ella! And thanks so much for the tweet! :-)

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  11. Terrific snippet! Love 'chade'
    Thank you for sharing.
    ~Summer
    My 8

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  12. Dhurstan -- that chade ;) I'm so glad he got what was coming to him. Hopefully he'll be getting more than just that...

    Crying on the battlefield *scoffs*

    Great job, Teresa.

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    1. Thanks, Keeley! You made me laugh!! "Crying on the battlefield *scoffs*" :-)

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  13. Nice action once again -- I really love that first line of detail!

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    1. Steven, I actually thought of your books when I wrote it! See how you've influenced other writers, :-)

      Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  14. A lot of description here that mostly works well to *show* not just the fight, but the characters' emotions. One suggestion: "dropping her sword to free both hands" I think you could drop 'to free both hands' because I think that's pretty clear.

    Ah one more thing--"executioner's song sung by a sword" I get tripped up by 'song sung' and then having another S right away with 'sword'. Usually you do really good prose; for me, it doesn't work quite as well for a spot right in the middle of a very physical fight.

    But I do like the snippet. I get a clear visual, and her anger comes across loud and clear at this dude who thinks he's 'all that'. :)

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    1. Thanks Marcia. I've adjusted the sentences to reflect your suggestions--and good suggestions they were! :-)

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  15. The rhythm of the character's voice really helps generate the momentum in this action snippet. Well done!

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    1. Thank you, Vivien! And thanks for visiting. :-)

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    1. Been a long time coming, lol. Thanks, Sue Ann. :-)

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  17. I could see the action clearly and I felt her emotions - my adrenalin is all up now too LOL. Glad she beat him! Excellent excerpt!

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  18. "It was a chade fight." Love that! Intense scene.

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    1. Lol...thanks, Carrie! Dhurstan is a troubled man. ;-)

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  19. It's about time he got what's coming to him. Did he think she'd let it go? Nicely done, Teresa. :)

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  20. Got what was coming to him, didn't he?

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  21. This is defeat! It made my blood boil in all kinds of good ways from beginning to end. :)

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    1. Haha! Yes, humbling defeat! Thanks, dearie. :-)

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  22. Intense scene, so glad she got the better of him!

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  23. Great fight scene! It all builds so nicely and that touch of humor at the end is just perfect.

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    1. Thanks, Eleri! I think the the whole universe thought it was funny, with the exception of Dhurstan.

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  24. Yay! for her. Love the " a fierce voice came from someplace deep within her, someplace that had never seen the light of day, resonating steel no less hair-raising than the song of the executioner's sword."

    Very, very nice

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  25. Love a fiesty woman who fights! Great snippet!

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    1. Thanks, Melinda. :-) I hope readers can relate to this side of her. ;-)

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  26. Great snippet - love the action here, and of course - that moment she'd been building up to, the tension coming to a breaking point - and make or break...she shows us what she's made of. Nice!

    I'd almost simplify the moment she bests him...just have her say "Do you yield?" Then maybe repeat that phrase once more...she doesn't need the extra threats, I think we all know how serious she is at the moment.

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    1. Thanks for the suggestion, Melonie. I'm weighing and measuring the difference right now. :-) !

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  27. I love it! Dhurstan finally gets his! It'll probably just make him hate her more, but I'm enjoying it anyway. :o)

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    1. Thanks, Kate. Bullies eventually get their comeuppance. :-)

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  28. You created a very nice visual effect with this snippet and the last bit made me smile. It's a very fluid and enjoyable snippet. Well done, Teresa!

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  29. I love the black tears on the ash streaked face. Gah, if I could only write description like you! Great job. :D

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    1. Thanks, Marie! :-) If you could write descriptions like me??? I know better! Ha!

      You know I'm a fan.

      btw. If you have something you'd like me to tweet--a free book promotion, a new book release, if you leave a message on my blog OR if you tweet what you'd like retweeted by me to my followers, add @teresa_willow to the tweet, I'll see it and RT it :-)

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    2. You are so awesome, and I'm so thankful to know such great writers like you. :) I tweeted you something. ;) I do have a new book release, A Moment and it's not getting much traction at the moment. I'm trying hard to find my audience with it, but it's a completely different genre than what I've been publishing, so it's like starting all over again.

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  30. Exciting excerpt! And I LOVE this: "a fierce voice came from someplace deep within her, someplace that had never seen the light of day" -- incredible!

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