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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors March 3, 2013


Week 5: "When abzions fly..."

Whew, March already! And in my neck of the woods, spring is not far away.  Never enough time...

Welcome gr8ters! Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly blog-hop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at Weekend Writing Warriors, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between 12:00 noon Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST.  Then we visit each other, read, comment, critique, encourage--all those great things that do a solitary writer's heart good.

Give it a try--we're a pretty nice bunch of people.  :-)

This week, returning to my WIP, ATNS, and using the random scrolling method (I give Kate Warren complete credit for coining the term for that method) I've landed about one quarter of the way through the story.

The young King, Rissa and his guard are visiting a world under Rialtan  Empire control. It's a mostly rural world with a few larger cities and many small villages. Cuylrh and group are in one of the small villages,  They all, with the exception of Abraxum, drank too much, and a few have displayed poor judgement. It's the middle of the night and Cuylrh has just been roused from his sleep by his first guard, Abraxum, and informed that Dhurstan, in a drunken state has just spent the better part of the night with the wife of a local.  Dhurstan is now standing in the street with sword drawn, ready to take on the husband over an affront to his honor.

*note: Abzions are  four legged, flightless predators.  Chade translated is roughly equivalent to Earth English "bitch"

Cuylrh, shirtless and barefoot in his haste, is now standing in the dirt street between  the two angry men:

"A corroborating onlooker barked, “She steal’t off and left the poor man and all the little ones at home, sound asleep. Took him hours to find her.”



In a tone meant to mollify, Cuylrh said, “The dishonor in this appears to be with your woman.  Perhaps my friend, here,” as he narrowed his eyes at Dhurstan, “didn’t even know she had a mate.”



“When abzions fly, he didn’t know!  With the Giver as my witness, we all sat together at our meal this day, and the cheating, stealing, chade-monger even asked us about our children!”



Kicking in serious diplomacy instilled by years of being groomed to rule, Cuylrh asked, “What is your name--  I didn’t catch it?” 



Foolishly flouting-- quite a risk even in this situation, the man sneered at the young King then gave a terse reply, “Bickmard.”  

That Dhurstan!  Endless trouble with that man. :-)  Aren't the bad boys fun to write ?

That's it.  What jumps out at you, good or bad. I'd love to hear it.  Thank you so much for visiting!

And please visit the other participants. :-)





60 comments:

  1. What jumps out at me immediately is the high fantasy aspect of this. Takes me back to my younger days when all I read was Robert Jordon or Piers Anthony, Mercedes Lackey, and the Queen Anne McCaffery. I loved this! But I think you already know I'm a huge fan. ;)

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    1. Thanks, Marie! Mercedes and Anne?? My hat won't ever fit again ;-) lol!

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  2. LOL! This is fun. I wonder if they'll talk themselves out of this, and what will be said behind closed doors afterwards :)

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    1. Thanks, Botanist! It was fun to write, fun to imagine, to picture it happening. :-)

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  3. Dhurstan is so much fun to explore. I wonder what happened to him that made him the way he is. Breaking the rules, yet insisting on his honor...a recipe for disaster. I can tell you enjoyed writing him. :)

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    1. He carries such a chip, and hides his insecurity behind arrogance. He is one of the two main characters in the second book. :-) Thanks, dearie :-)

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  4. So . . . Dhurstan commits adultery and thinks his honor has been besmirched?

    I want to hear his side of the story . . .

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    1. Oh, he has a story to tell. It might not be true, or at it might be seriously biased, but he has one. ;-) Thanks, Sarah :-)

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  5. I cracked up reading "when abzions fly" a precursor to every bad phrase uttered today. Too funny and the kin has his hand's full.

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    1. Yes, the young King does have his hands full. All learning and growing he needed to do. :-)

      Thanks! :-)

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  6. LOL. Yes, the bad boys are the most fun.

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  7. This is some terrific dialogue, I love it!

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  8. Dhurstan appears to be quite the cad! This is such a wonderfully imaginative story line.

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  9. Dhurstan an interesting character!

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    1. Thanks, Paula. He's is central to so much of the book without being one of the two MCs. :-)

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  10. Wonderful dialogue here. You drew me right into the story and left me wanting to know more. And...I love reading about bad boys. :)

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  11. Very imaginative. That Dhurstan needs a spanking...oh, wait, wrong genre. LOL.

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    1. lolol... Ann, yep, wrong genre, but it's probably what he'd like best! ;-)

      Thanks :-)

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  12. I enjoyed the excerpt, can't wait to find out what happens next! Dhurstan certainly appeals to ME LOL.

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    1. haha! I like that-- "Dhurstan certainly appeals to ME LOL." The man is without inhibitions. ;-) Thanks, Veronica :-)

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  13. Bad boys, oh you know it ;-)

    I get a sense of the tension everybody must be feeling; I bet it's even better in context! I need to read this whole story, seriously.

    Having read previous snippets, I seem to remember those were in Rissa's POV. This one really strikes me as being from an external narrator.I can deal with that if there's a smooth transition (which of course doesn't show when we're only posting excerpts) but I thought I'd mention it.

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    1. Email coming soon to pick your very wise writing brain :-) Thanks, Marcia! :-)

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  14. This reminded me of an old West (earth) standoff, where the sheriff is trying to cool hot heads. Very nice!

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    1. Ya know, even while I was writing this scene, it sort of felt that way! Cool that you got that! :-) Thanks, Virginia :-)

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  15. One thing to do when you can't sleep. I never thought of that. I loved, When abzions fly"! This also reminds me of our military. I remember visiting in Germany, when my son-in-law was called out to settle a relationship dispute of one of his men. Your names are interesting. I'm wondering if they have a deeper meaning.

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    1. "One thing to do when you can't sleep." haha! And lots of people get in trouble when they can't sleep--or when they should be sleeping. :-)

      Thank you for all your kind words, Carol! :-)

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  16. A corroborating onlooker...love that term! Geat 8 for this Sunday!

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  17. This is going to take some serious diplomacy. By the way, what is he flouting? Flout as an intransitive verb is archaic, and unless you are using archaic forms deliberately, it tends to bring the reader up short.

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    1. Yep, it does, Sue Ann. He is flouting the respect due and legally required be given to a member of the ruling family. :-)

      I usually turn to MW online for definitions--as I did this time:

      1flout
      verb \ˈflau̇t\
      Definition of FLOUT
      transitive verb
      : to treat with contemptuous disregard : scorn
      intransitive verb
      : to indulge in scornful behavior
      See Usage Discussion at flaunt
      — flout·er noun
      See flout defined for English-language learners »
      See flout defined for kids »
      Examples of FLOUT

      Despite repeated warnings, they have continued to flout the law.


      Still, your comment (along with Elin's) gives me pause about using this word. :-)

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  18. Love the dialogue. What stands out to me is the detailed world building. I will need to read previous snippets so I can be completely immersed in the world.

    Loved the standoff. I want to see how they'll get out of it.

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    1. Thanks, Cindy! Your comment made me smile!

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  19. Amazing how in all civilizations we have the same problems again and again. :) Great world building.

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    1. Excellent observation, Gem. Good subject for a blog post. :-) Thanks for your visit!

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  20. I agree with India. corroborating onlooker is a wonderful choice in words. Another great snippet Teresa!

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    1. Thanks, Jess! :-) And thank you for all of the help! :-)

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  21. What an unfortunate name. The king is going to have a hard time keeping everything civil. Nicely done. Dhurstan is trouble, definitely. :)

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    1. Thanks, Siobhan! Speaking of names, I like yours!

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  22. Very nice bit of character building for Cuylrh [how would one pronounce that?].

    One thing did catch my eye. "Foolishly flouting" what? It's a verb like lift - and it begs the question "what is he flouting?" The only reason I mention it is because it stopped me in my tracks for a moment and that's a pity because it's a terrific read.

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    1. Thanks, Elin :-)

      Cuylrh rhymes with Tyler--a little more breathy when pronouncing the r sound at the end. :-)

      Flout: from MW Online Verb
      Openly disregard (a rule, law or convention): "these same companies still flout basic ethical practices".
      Synonyms
      mock - scoff - jeer - deride - gibe - scorn - taunt

      Although used correctly, I will likely change it since two writers just today mentioned it. I doubt it will work for readers if other writers are stopped in their tracks.

      Thank you!

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  23. Dhurstan sounds like a liability. Probably a fun one, but a liability no less. I can't see an easy way out of this unless it turns out that a drunken Bickmard rented his wife out and doesn't remember it.

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    1. Well, writing off-world characters allows greater latitude in such matters--up to a limit. And that limit is when a human being can relate to what happens. :-D

      Yes, Dhurstan is a liability. Fun to write, and fun to redeem later. :-)

      Thanks, Kate! :-)

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  24. I agree with the king. Wasn't it the woman's choice to jump into bed with another man? But yeah, if Dhurstan knew she was married and still had the affair, well, he deserves to be punched... at the very least. Can't wait to see what happens next.

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    1. Oh, the intrigue when sex gets involved! Thank, Mandy! :-)

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  25. Theresa, this is such a cool story! You are a wondrous world builder! I envy you that--I can do characters and dialogue and create a good story, and the editor in me can construct a fairly decent sentence, but I'm no world builder. Guess that's why I stick to contemporary romance!

    Suggestion from the editor for last sentence? Turn the first part around, "Serious diplomacy instilled by years of being groomed to rule kicked in..." What do you think? Flow a little smoother?

    Thanks for doing WeWriWa! Love participating--it's fun!

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    1. Wonderful suggestion, Nan. Thank you!

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  26. Wow, that Dhurstan is trouble all right! Lovely use of language here. "Chade-monger" is my new insult!

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  27. I'm with Kate, love the language! Can't wait to see what Dhurstan has up his sleeve next week!

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  28. Love the unobtrusive world building details and effortless dialogue. I'm not usually a fantasy fan, but this is great!

    ~Joyce Scarbrough

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  29. What a fun scene! Yes, I agree that bad boys are a LOT of fun to write. :)

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