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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: May 12, 2013






Happy Mother's Day to all those moms out there--whether you gave birth to a little human, or you mother the child of someone else, or your child has four legs and fur.  :-)

Week 15: "A barroom brawl..."
 


  Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly blog-hop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at Weekend Writing Warriors, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between 12:00 noon Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST.  Then we visit each other, read, comment, critique, encourage--all those great things that do a solitary writer's heart good.

Give it a try--we're a pretty nice bunch of people.  :-)


This week, returning to my WIP, ATNS. This takes place about a third of the way through the story. Rissa, the MC, a woman abducted from Earth, has been left under the care and protection of Jia, a childhood friend of Cuylrh. The goal is to lay low, stay out of trouble, and give Daekartha no opportunity to discover her whereabouts. She's on a space station, still doesn't have much of a grasp on the Rialtan language, and is now facing what seems to her to be abandonment. She's just indulged in some very potent drink at a space station version of a club. Jia encouraged this without realizing beforehand the effects on the Earth woman.




     Music began to play, loud and fast, much too loud for the tiny room full of tables, stools, and intoxicated creatures. 
     Rissa took Jia by the arm, tugging until--  amid protests, the tall, dark woman stood on a black and white patterned dance floor. Well, Rissa thought it was a dance floor. And any problem the lack of space could have caused was avoided by a  complete lack of other dancers.
     Then, good judgement dashed by too many good drinks, her missing inhibitions had been replaced with a total lack of self-awareness; she was now oblivious to the public spectacle she'd become.  
     She was a goddess, a dancing queen, and her moves were smooth and polished.  Her feet had never been so perfectly synchronized with her arms which had become wings, flapping, gliding, flapping, and her body was so fluid, so in control. She was a dove, no...she was a tap-dancer, wait…she was a belly dancer.



I think the girls are about to encounter some trouble.
That's it.  What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom..  Thank you so much for visiting! 


Note* If you are launching a book, offering one for free promotion, or  have a blogpost you'd like shared, tweet me @Teresa_Willow and I'll retweet it for you. :-)

54 comments:

  1. I've never heard of the weekend warriors before, but I could get a grasp of the intensity of the moment by these sentences.
    There is a school of thought that says too many adverbs are like too much spice in a recipe. They did stand out to me (completely, mightily, rapidly, perfectly). Perhaps using a few is fine, but not so close together? I don't know your entire story, so you may have earned them in this passage.
    Overall, I can feel the plot being moved forward in just this small section. Good work!

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    1. Yikes! Good comment, Karen. :-) Thank you. I did some work on it. I hope you'll join us sometime for wewriwa. :-)

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  2. You paint a vivid picture. I can see Rissa's flapping dance moves...oh boy...this takes me back.. :D I just hope it's not some kind of fight floor, where her dancing would be considered a challenge. There is so much detail in this snippet!

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    1. Great imagination, Dana! I'd never considered that! :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  3. You've captured Rissa's intoxication so well! The use of the word "flapping" though, conjures up a less than graceful image. Perhaps that was the idea? :-)

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    1. Yes, less than graceful was intentional. :-) Right now, she's a dancing legend in her own mind. :-) Thanks, Deb!

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  4. Oh my. You got that right. I can just picture the embarrassing moment that you don't realize until morning. Well done!



    History Sleuth's Writing mysteries

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    1. Oh, she hasd several of them, Cindy. :-) Thanks!

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  5. Adorable snippet. We've all been there. LOL

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    1. Oy! lol, yes indeed. Been there, done that. Pitched the Tee-shirt. No evidence needed. ;-) Thanks, A.S. ;-)

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  6. *laff* This is a fun snippet. I do think that the 3rd paragraph is 'telling' where 'showing' would have much more impact--as in the 4th paragraph. You perfectly 'show' us there and I think it's way better than the 3rd paragraph; anyway, that 3rd one reads to me like a narrator while the rest reads like it's from Rissa's POV.

    I have so got to find out what happens next! :-D

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    1. Toyed with the POV. Good eye, Marcia :-) Thanks!

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  7. I'm having a difficult time wrapping my mind around the idea of Rissa dancing but it's nice that's willing to let go of everything she's been through once in awhile! It's a great snippet!

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    1. Lol, yes, there are many layers to Rissa. Alcohol brought this one right out. :-) Thanks, Jess!

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  8. I can just imagine how she's going to feel in the morning. Wonderful eight. Tweeted.

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    1. Thanks for the tweet, Ella! :-) And thanks for the visit! :-)

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  9. Very nice - consider the first sentence: Music began to play, loud and fast, much too loud for the tiny room full of tables, stools, and intoxicated creatures. -- consider showing me the loud and fast - cover her ears? bodies on the floor stumbling as they gyrated trying to keep up with the beat -- something? Definitely a fun read and a bit more light-hearted -- so I suspect bad things will happen next. Good job! Good #8Sentence!

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    1. Thanks, Susan. All things noted. This is still in a very rough draft. Thanks for your thoughts! :-)

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  10. Oh dear, I'm cringing for her, just THE best excerpt ever, laughing but that morning after is going to be a doozy.

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    1. Oh, they are never worth the night before :-) lol Thanks, Veronica! :-)

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  11. wait…she was a belly dancer <--LOL! I can see this scene. The poor thing, but so funny.

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    1. lol. Thanks for getting it, S.J. :-) And thanks for visiting.

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  12. I'm guessing she doesn't look nearly as graceful as she feels. So much for laying low. I wonder what the consequences will be.

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    1. Yes, there are always consequences. Welcome back!! Good to see you Kate. Thanks for stopping by. :-)

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  13. yep she's high alright :D

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  14. I love how you set up the scene! This is fantastic and so visual!

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  15. She's gonna regret that in the morning... Great imagery..x

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    1. Thanks, Rosalind. Morning will be a rough one. :-)

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  16. good and good in one sentence seems redundant and flapping/flapping; The second flapping not necessary. The description stands alone so well written you've taken this reader into the scene. Thanks, Teresa.

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    1. Thanks, Charmaine! I've noted your suggestions for the rewrite :-) Many thanks. :-)

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  17. An empty sport? Gotta be a reason for that.

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    1. A reason for everything ;-) Thanks for visiting, Sue Ann :-)

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  18. Oh my, I'm imagining Elaine Bennis from Seinfeld and her infamous dance "the kick and the pointing". LOL Her internal thoughts make it all the more amusing.

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    1. lol! Yep, that DOES make it funnier. Thanks Claire! :-)

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  19. Wow! That was fabulous! So visual and beautifully descriptive. Loved this: her missing inhibitions had been replaced by a total lack of awareness. Great 8! :D

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  20. Drinking has the same effect on me! LOL Great description in this snippet.

    ~Joyce Scarbrough

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    1. Me too. I sure can dance after a a drink or two. The older we get, the funnier I think it is. I mean the funnier I think we are. ;-) lol. :-) Thanks for visiting, Joyce. :-)

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  21. OMG...I'm laughing so hard. I've done this. Not on a space station but on a night of too many drinks and you become a ballerina. Fab 8!

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    1. Haha! Why does a little alcohol completely un-glue us flowers from the wall? ;-) lol. Thanks for visiting, India. :-)

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  22. This scene is so visual, I could see her dance and I can also feel the approaching troubles. Good snippet!

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  23. Seriously Teresa the scene just jumps off the page into my brain and I can imagine it as if it were happening!

    Well done!

    Plus..I think I did that one night myself after too many vodka drinks in close proximity to a juke box!

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    1. Haha! I think I might have one or two of those memories too, lol! Thanks for visiting, Jen! :-)

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  24. I have not seen any one get high in real life.

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    1. It's been a long time for me, Munir. But one never forgets, which as a writer is a fortuitous. A cache from which to pull. :-) Thanks for visiting.

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  25. Oh, man, I can so see this, Teresa. LOL she's in so much trouble. Some suggestions:
    "Good judgement dashed by too many drinks (removed the second "good"), her inhibitions had been replaced with a total lack of self-awareness. (she was now oblivious to the public spectacle she'd become. - If she's oblivious, how would she know she'd become a public spectacle?)

    Good snippet, Teresa. :)

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    1. Thanks, Siobhan--another round of good suggestions. :-) !

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  26. Ahaha... I love this post. What an excellent description. So much for laying low. Great job, Teresa :)

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