Welcome to my world and beyond...

A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: Why a sword? continued.





Week 17: "Why a Sword?" continued



Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly blog-hop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at Weekend Writing Warriors, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between 12:00 noon Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST.  Then we visit each other, read, comment, critique, encourage--all those great things that do a solitary writer's heart good.


Set up  This scene takes place in the  first one third of the book and continues immediately after last week's post which is HERE. Rissa and her Rialtan protector Jia, are on a world called Amun populated by an all female colony led by a woman named Shaynda. They've been given refuge here from Daekartha.  The residents are considered outlaws in the Rialtan Empire.  This is Rissa's earliest exposure on how to use a sword, and she's not taking it seriously at all. I'll pull from this for several weeks, continuous.

And because people have asked, Cuylrh is pronounced hard C, long I, Ler with the R and H blending into a throaty sound. That is how I imagine it pronounced in their language. I am considering changing the spelling to make it less confusing to the reader. Not sure yet.


*creative punctuation alert--to complete the thought.

                                                                * * *


Rissa lifted her weapon as instructed and clumsily returned it to its thick leather sheath.



“It’s not an ornament, and being in your position, it’s critical that you understand that.”



Heat, more from embarrassment than sunburn she was sure, stung Rissa's cheeks when she said, “I’m sorry. I meant no disrespect.”  She tried to read the woman’s expression, but this one was tough.  With muscular shoulders and a trim waist, had it not been for generous cleavage, her body could have been a man's.  Yet her face was feminine and pretty—in spite of the scar extending from just above the corner of her full lips to where it vanished into a head full of curly black hair. "In my position--what do you mean by that?"

Shaynda's voice was unchanged but her brows arched slightly when she answered, "There are unavoidable threats included with catching the eye of Cuylrh of Medoch, and your inability to sense that doubles the chances of harm finding you."


That's it.  What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.  Thank you so much for visiting! 

53 comments:

  1. Scars are always so intriguing. Where did it come from? How long has she had it? Does she get mad every time she looks in the mirror and sees it?

    I guess I'll have to come back next week to find out...

    Great snippet!

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    1. Thanks, Violet. Please do come back! :-)

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  2. Nice #8Sunday and definitely a push for the reader to continue on. Me thinks Rissa's problems are just beginning. Shaynda is also intriguing - the scar, her knowledge etc.
    Very nicely done.

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    1. Thanks, Susan! Yes. Many problems lie ahead for this girl. :-)

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  3. It's really interesting world you're building here, Teresa. Nice work.

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  4. Another interesting snippet. Gonna tell us about that scar? :)

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    1. Thanks, Rose. Oh my...the scar. lol, not for a while. Maybe I need to rethink that. :-)

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  5. It will take me forever to finish reading. I am not good with remembering fiction. However I love your style.

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    1. Thanks, Munir. I'm just touched that you visit and read any of it. I know fiction isn't your thing. :-)

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  6. I like that you convey the dynamics between the women in such a short excerpt. The scar is also very intriging.

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  7. Great snippet! I really enjoyed the tension you created here in such a short piece and really explored the dynamics between the characters! :)

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  8. Rissa's in deep trouble here. You've painted a good scene of do or die so beware. I like you style of writing and am dazzled by your imagination so different from mine grounded in reality.

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    1. I like that comment, Charmaine. I wonder what's behind the characters that we write? Interesting. :-) Thanks so much for visiting.

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  9. Fantastic character details. I'm definitely intrigued!

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  10. Shaynda's character is so much more intriguing with that scar! Great snippet, Teresa. IMO, Cuylrh is a wonderfully creative name and I wouldn't change the spelling.

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    1. Thanks, Debbie. My doubts about the name are starting to crumble after reading your comment, and reading Marcia's. :-)

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  11. I like the difference in these two women. Very interesting 8.

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    1. Thanks, A.S. They are quite different. :-)

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  12. Not knowing that you are in danger is a pretty scary thing.
    I wonder where Shaynda's scar is coming from.

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    1. It is a scary thing, Linda. The scar? In time :-)

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  13. Another cool excerpt :) What I like about Shaynda is her directness; she's not rude to Rissa but she tells it like it is. I bet Rissa's now having some secret doubts about whether or not she still wants to be associated with Cuylrh!

    I like his name too. Readers will pronounce it their own way which seems to add another layer of attachment; they feel a bit like they've named the character so they feel a bit more attached to him. That's my take on it anyway :D

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    1. Wow, Marcia. It's close. The doubts start very soon! Thanks for your opinion on the name. Still up in the air about it. :-)

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  14. You have created a fascinating piece of world building. I enjoyed the difference between the two women.
    I smiled when I read your MC's name. First time, I read it as Cyril.

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    1. :-) "Cyril". Well, perhaps I should change the spelling. I'm not getting heroic, manly-type vibes from Cyril. Thanks for that tidbit, Elaine. And thanks for visiting. :-)

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  15. Oh man, I really like that. I'm thinking Shaynda just got her attention, I hope.

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    1. Haha! Yeppers, S.J. Attention, indeed. :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  16. Wondering how Rissa caught Cuylrh's attention and why. Shaynda sounds like a good person to have on her side. Very intriguing eight.

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    1. I'm glad it makes you wonder! Thank you, Denise :-)

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  17. Wow, Rissa is in a precarious position. Eep. There's a few things I noticed in this snippet.

    “It’s not an ornament, and being in your position, it’s critical you understand that.” I removed the first "that"

    "Heat, more from embarrassment than sunburn, stung Rissa's cheeks. “I’m sorry. I meant no disrespect.” She tried to read the woman’s expression, but this one was tough. With muscular shoulders and a trim waist, had it not been for generous cleavage, her body could have been a man's. Yet Shaynda's face held pretty, feminine curves despite the scar extending from just above the corner of her full lips to where it vanished into a head full of curly black hair.

    "In my position--what do you mean by that?"

    Shaynda's voice never changed but her brows arched. "There are unavoidable threats included with catching the eye of Cuylrh of Medoch, and your inability to sense them doubles the chances of harm finding you."

    I just removed a few words to tighten up the narrative and deleted the speaking tags. It brings the action to the forefront. Trust your dialog to tell the reader how people are speaking. Good snippet, Teresa. :)

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    1. Once again, your editing skills shine! Polished. Thanks, Siobhan :-)

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  18. Rissa's about to get into hot water, isn't she?

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    1. Yes. Scalding. :-) Thanks for reading, Elaine. :-)

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  19. I too want to know about that scar. Not sure I believe that Rissa is as clueless about the dangers as Shaynda thinks she is. Great description of Shaynda, by the way.

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    1. The scar? Well, it doesn't get explored until the third book. Shaynda has a much larger role. :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  20. That scar makes Shaynda even more of an authority with experience to back it up.

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    1. Bingo! Good catch, Carol! :-) Thanks for visiting.

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  21. Excellent snippet--love the premise.

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  22. I like how her brow raises but her voice remains unchanged - this shows me some things about her character. (Nice show vs tell!)

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    1. Woot--glad you caught that, Melonie :-) ! Thank you :-)

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  23. Great snippet Teresa! I see both their personalities well. Great last line it reminds me of the saying, "The best offensive is a good defense." I like the added scar. It shows her battle experience and that she's tough and survived. Seasoned. Good job.

    History Sleuth's Milk Carton Murders

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    1. Thanks, Cindy, you completely get it! :-)

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  24. You've done a great job of describing the characters there, and adding the scar is a great touch. It gives the character history and begs the question how did she get that. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thanks for visiting and reading, Goran. It was my pleasure. :-)

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  25. I can relate to naivete and how the inability to sense when someone's motive are mixed... your description of both characters is great. I believe it's our ability to connect with the characters that makes for the best stories - great job!

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    1. Thanks, Susan! I agree--if we can get the reader to connect with the characters, we're over half way there. :-)

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  26. I get the impression Shaynda is someone to respect! Great characterization.

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  27. The first thing that popped into mind is what position has your main character really found herself in. She is a refugee in a strange place I can’t imagine there being many good positions she can acquire. Your character has an inability to sense, what does that exactly mean? I am thoroughly intrigued and cannot wait until next week’s posts. Keep up the good work.

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