Welcome to my world and beyond...

A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: Sunday May 19th






Week 16: Why a Sword?



 Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly blog-hop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at Weekend Writing Warriors, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between 12:00 noon Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST.  Then we visit each other, read, comment, critique, encourage--all those great things that do a solitary writer's heart good.


Set up  This scene takes place in the  first one third of the book. Rissa is on a world that contains an all female colony led by a woman named Shaynda. Rissa and Jia have been given refuge here from Daekartha.. On this world, Amun, no men are allowed.  The residents are considered outlaws in the Rialtan Empire.  This is Rissa's earliest exposure to how to use a sword, and she's not taking it seriously at all. I'll pull from this for several weeks, continuous.




"The mighty daystar at its zenith, scorched the world around her as she wiped sweat from her face then nodded a greeting to Shaynda.

As seemed to be her way, Shaynda minced no words, “You have caught Cuylrh of Medoch’s favor, no?”

Relieved for the interruption of another half-hearted attempt to learn, she rested her sword tip on the ground, giving Shaynda her full attention.  “I 've spent some time with him, but I wouldn't don't think there is favor involved.”

“Traders and smugglers are making a nice bonus telling a tale of otherwise.” The leader’s eyes followed Rissa’s arm, down across the sword to the ground. “Sheath your sword, or hold it off the ground.” Her tone was matter of fact, “Tip down when bowing to a superior opponent is one thing, but all other times, it’s disrespectful to allow it to rest on the sand like that.”

That's it.  What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom..  Thank you so much for visiting! 


49 comments:

  1. Very nice. I like this Shaynda. Why listen to gossip when you can confront the source in question.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Consider breaking the first sentence into 2. and in the last para: eyes=gaze and perhaps instead of down across use just down or down along the sword.

    Nice snippet -intriguing. I like Shaynda's directions about the sword and think perhaps Rissa has just a tad bit to learn.Good #8Sentence

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for all of the good advice, Susan :-)

      Delete
  3. Poor Rissa... Is this what has become of the human race with our advanced technology - not knowing how to use swords and at a gross disadvantage without sunscreen? Not gonna lie.. Was hoping (just a little tiny bit!) that Shaynda was a bit harsher with her directions, lol.

    Great snippet, Teresa. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shaynda becomes a more central character in book 3. And she can be quite harsh, snippy, bordering mean. But the reader is given the reasons why she's that way. :-) Thanks, Keeley! :-)

      Delete
  4. Very interesting. I'll look forward to reading more. Good job!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I like the contrast between the question about catching Cuylrh's favor and the more practical aspect of what to do with the sword to avoid offending people.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I like Shaynda, so matter of fact. It'll be interesting to see how this develops - terrific snippet!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Veronica. She is a no bs kind of person. :-)

      Delete
  7. I love little cultural details like this. Great interaction, and nice work!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I really like Rissa's response in this snippet. Another great snippet, Teresa.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yeah, this interaction feels very natural. The details definitely help with making the whole thing seem real.

    Something's been bugging me in the back of my mind & today I figured it out: you have several names that end in A. That might not bother anybody else, but it might help add a touch more realism to change up some of them. Maybe. Hey, what do I know! :D :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oy! lol. It's intentional. It's a cultural thing. Hmmm... lol, you've given me food for thought (again) . Thanks, Owly!

      Delete
  10. It takes me a while to become comfortable in a new world so I'll read more before a comment. But yes the names bothered me also, not so much for the ending but one I could not pronounce. It's prob just me

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, it's not just you, Sue. And I'm mulling it over. :-) Thanks for your comment! :-)

      Delete
  11. Rissa sounds like a transported New Yorker, or maybe like my five year old granddaughter with a lot to learn. But she will listen and learn under the amazing Shaynda. Thanks for another peek in your imagination and your story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Charmaine. It's my pleasure! :-) You visitors make it all worthwhile. :-)

      Delete
  12. Oh yeah, word gets around! Great snippet. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No matter the world, the culture, the creature, word does get around, lol. Thanks. Rose!

      Delete
  13. This is the first of your snippets that I've read, but you've got some nice world building going on here. The dialogue seems a little stilted, but I wouldn't stop reading for that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Penny. Looking back over it, the two "haves" without a contraction is a bit off-putting. :-)

      Delete
  14. I like both of them straight off, Shaynda particularly - she seems very down to earth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Karen! :-) And dang good to see you again! :-)

      Delete
  15. I like the details you considered in your world building. I can tell by your snippets each week that you put a lot of thought into every aspect of it. The sword touching the ground being a sign of disrespect adds insight into their culture. Very well done Teresa.



    History Sleuth's Writing mysteries

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Cindy. Thanks! You've probably come across many such cultural tidbits in your quest into history. :-)

      Delete
  16. Great eight. There is a lot going on the first sentence, however. Nice bit of world building here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Kylie. First sentence, noted. :-)

      Delete
  17. Interesting little tidbit about the sword etiquette. Makes it all seem quite real. I also think the first sentence would read smoother as two, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Debbie. I might be guilty of creative punctuation to make it all fit in. :-) Ha! ;-)

      Delete
  18. I really liked this snippet, Teresa. I'd change "the sun was scorching the world" to "the sun scorched the world" but that's it. Nicely done. I really liked the reminder to treat the sword with respect, too. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Siobhan. Always such good advice! Thank you (again). :-)

      Delete
  19. Interesting. You gave such a feel for the characters in just this little snippet. Well done.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I like the juxtaposition of personal questions and instruction. Nicely done.

    ReplyDelete
  21. You've captured a unique voice in Shaynda - I wouldn't want to cross swords with her!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Shaynda is awesome. I like strong women. She doesn't seem to be the type to let anyone bother her.

    Rissa seems rather lazy but the sword must be so heavy, I feel for her.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Who needs Facebook to spread rumors when you've got smugglers and traders? ;-) Great snippet!

    ~Joyce Scarbrough

    ReplyDelete
  24. I can relate to a half-hearted sword drill - that would be me, especially if it's mid-day and that much sun! You did a great job describing the scene with just a few words; however, the first sentence is a little bit confusing - perhaps a little long-ish?

    ReplyDelete