Welcome to my world and beyond...

A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: June 23rd, 2013



Happy Summer!

Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly blog-hop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at Weekend Writing Warriors, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between 12:00 noon Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST.  Then we visit each other, read, comment, critique, encourage--all those great things that do a solitary writer's heart good.


Set up:  This scene takes place in the  first one third of the book and continues immediately after last week's post. Rissa and her Rialtan protector Jia, are on a world called Amun populated by an all female colony led by a woman named Shaynda. They've been given refuge here from Daekartha.  The residents are considered outlaws in the Rialtan Empire.  This is Rissa's earliest exposure on how to use a sword, and she's not taking it seriously at all. A master swordstress (yeah, I know--I'm making up words ) has just begun to school her.

I'll pull from this for several weeks, continuous. *note   Creative punctuation ahead :-)

Rissa could handle Shaynda's impersonal, detached way of teaching, but her tutor's heavy hand  had her completely rattled--the way the powerful woman jerked her shoulders back or slapped her stomach while ordering her to breathe. A focused kick to the inside of Rissa's foot while Shaynda instructed her on proper stance sent her stumbling to the sand. Beneath her, the gritty, little grains burned as they clung to her damp skin.

Rissa squinted until a shadow came between her and the glaring sunlight. A groan escaped her lips as she clasped the hand extended toward her. Shaynda pulled her back to standing, then swiped back dark, sweaty locks of hair, fully  revealing gold eyes, the intensity of which was unnerving. 

Shaynda's voice finally betrayed emotion--scolding emotion, "I don’t think you understand the seriousness of your jeopardy, Rissa. You stand to gain much, but there are those who would just as soon see you lose it all, thus, defense will be part of your life whether  you like it or not, whether it bores you or not, whether a guard stands at your side, or not. Do you understand?” 

That's it.  What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.  Thank you so much for visiting!  Sundays are extra busy for me right now, so it might take me several days to return visits, but I will. Have a great week, all!



32 comments:

  1. Another great snippet! I'm exhausted just reading it. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, J Rose. Sometimes I get exhausted writing them, lol! :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)

      Delete
  2. When I read "slapped her stomach" so good is your writing I actual sucked in my own and sat straighter just now. Super eight+

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Woot! That made me smile, Charmaine. Thank you! :-)

      Delete
  3. Talk about "tough love"! Great excerpt Teresa and I especially enjoyed the term "scolding emotion".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Deb. I love that you picked out that tiny detail. :-)

      Delete
  4. Only crit/nit is the repeat of "revealing" in the last sentence of the 2nd para. Very nicely done tension and I do think Rissa best pay attention or "slaps on her stomach" will not be the worst she experiences. Nicely done appeal to senses throughout.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cool. Thanks so much, Susan! And I think there is NOTHING boring about you, by the way! ;-)

      Delete
  5. This part--"her tutor's heavy hand had her completely rattled--the way the powerful woman jerked her shoulders back or slapped her stomach while ordering her to breathe"--I love that. 'had her completely rattled' could be accused of being Telling but it works because you then give us specifics that help us feel her unease.

    Saying that Shaynda's gaze was unnerving, well that kind of falls flat for me. You might be working with the sentence constraints there but in the full scene, I'd rather find out *how* that gaze was unnerving.

    Wow, somebody's pontificating today! I love what you're doing with this story, and how real your fictional characters are :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Marcia. I respect your opinion very much! ;-)

      Delete
  6. I think Rissa needs that dose of cold reality from Shaynda. Really enjoying the story, excellent excerpt! The "gritty, little grains burning..." was a great phrase BTW.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh, thanks for liking that detail, Veronica. I'm never sure :-)

      Delete
  7. Terrific details throughout, Teresa, another great excerpt!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Spoken by the master of visual! Thank you, Steven!

      Delete
  8. Excellent snippet! I really LOVE the way it feels so visual, like I was watching a movie instead of reading it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Lauren! A movie? <-- BIG smile! :-)

      Delete
  9. Such a great visual Teresa! You have a way with words that puts me right in the scene. Like tough love Shaynda's really trying to get her point across of be prepared or prepare to die. I can just feel Rissa toss her all over the place.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Cindy! "...be prepared or prepare to die..." You have such a way with words! :-)

      Delete
  10. Great snippet, Teresa. I noticed a repeat of the word "revealing" and changed the last sentence a bit of the second paragraph to strengthen the writing by taking out "of which was". "Shaynda pulled her back to standing, then swiped back dark, sweaty locks of hair, fully revealing gold eyes, their intensity unnerving."

    And I'd make the sentences at the end more staccato to increase the intensity of delivery.

    "You stand to gain much, but there are those who would just as soon see you lose it all, thus, defense will be part of your life whether you like it or not. Whether it bores you or not. Whether a guard stands at your side, or not. Do you understand?”

    This story really has a lot of intensity. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Siobhan! More great suggestions. :-)

      Delete
  11. I agree with Siobhan about the intensity of the story. The physical details, that are so sharp and consistent, coupled with the dialogue is fantastically tense.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lovely description. I'm glad I'm not the one trying to learn. The teacher is tough, but I know she has to be.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Elaine. Yep, and Rissa is lucky to have her.

      Delete
  13. Nice snippet. You really focus on the sensory details. Pulls us right into the scene. To streamline a bit, I'd change the end of that first line: "but the way the powerful woman jerked her shoulders back or slapped her stomach while ordering her to breathe had her completely rattled." That way you're not repeating the idea of the heavy hand - the first time telling us she had a heavy hand, the second time showing us. We'll know she had a heavy hand from what she's doing. Keep the showing, delete the telling.
    Great eight!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the great suggestions, Monica! :-) And thanks for visiting. :-)

      Delete
  14. The interaction between these two is so incredible. I feel bad for Rissa but at the same time, if someone like Shaynda was trying to give me tools to protect my own life, no matter if I was ever going to need them, I think I would cooperate.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Lovely description. A very intriguing 8! Enjoyed! :D

    ReplyDelete
  16. I like the way Shaynda gives her a hand to help her up after the tough learning experience. It demonstrates to me that she does care that learning occurs. She is not out to defeat her but to make certain that she learns.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks, Carol. Shaynda is not from Earth, so she is a bit different, but some gestures surely cross all boundaries. :-)

    ReplyDelete