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Sunday, June 2, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors June 2, 2013


Week 18: "Why a Sword?" continued



Happy June!

Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly blog-hop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at Weekend Writing Warriors, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between 12:00 noon Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST.  Then we visit each other, read, comment, critique, encourage--all those great things that do a solitary writer's heart good.


Set up  This scene takes place in the  first one third of the book and continues immediately after last week's post. Rissa and her Rialtan protector Jia, are on a world called Amun populated by an all female colony led by a woman named Shaynda. They've been given refuge here from Daekartha.  The residents are considered outlaws in the Rialtan Empire.  This is Rissa's earliest exposure on how to use a sword, and she's not taking it seriously at all. A mster swordstress (yeah, I know--I'm making up words ) has just begun to school her.

I'll pull from this for several weeks, continuous.

"Rissa was dumbstruck. If her expression conveyed any questions, it didn't matter, because Shaynda was done answering them. 

Stepping around her, the swordstress grabbed her from behind, her hard muscles pressed snug against Rissa's back.  Powerful hands slid from Rissa's narrow shoulders down her sweaty arms to her wrists, then over her hands, forming them into a  two-handed hold around the sword's pommel. "Keep your grip fluid, not too tight, not too loose, just like that. Good." Over and over, Shaynda guided her through correct motions of combat moves. There was no mercy, no let up."

I'll continue in this scene, next week. :-) 

That's it.  What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.  Thank you so much for visiting!

46 comments:

  1. Shaynda has lost her patience with this one for sure. I could see how powerful she is by your descriptive writing. She is going to wear Rissa out. :) Well done!
    History Sleuth's Milk Carton Murders

    (And HA! I got you first this week. :)

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    1. The early bird gets...the first comment! lol. Thanks for visiting. Cindy!

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  2. I wonder if Rissa will surprise her. Nice snippet.

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    1. Not yet. In Book 1, Shaynda is a minor character. She's large in book 3. Thanks for visiting. :-) !

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  3. This is a great start to showing how Rissa learns! I just want to see a few more details *after* this excerpt, because for me that would help build a sense that time is passing while she learns this. And I'd love to see how her relationship with Shaynda changes. Really nice snippet.

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    1. Thanks, Marcia! Great way to show passing time. :-)

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  4. Cindy is absolutely correct. You've done a great job using this snippet to show Shaynda's strength and skill.

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  5. I hope she starts to take in the tips. She's lucky to have this personal attention. I want to know what she does next.

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  6. When you HAVE to learn something, it's great to have such a skilled teacher! This will be an interesting string of excerpts...today's snippet really conveyed the work involved in mastering the required techniques.

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    1. So true, Veronica! Now to continue with that level of accuracy...
      Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  7. How can she concentrate with his hard muscles pressed to her back? Sorry, got lost in that imagery LOL.

    Another great snippet! (Oh, there's an extra " at the end of the passage I'm not sure you wanted there.)

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    1. Yea, lol. She's having a hard time concentrating anyway. Her mind is elsewhere with a certain man. :-)

      Thanks, Rose! :-)

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  8. Consider using 'finished' instead of 'done'. Less common. Powerful eight, Teresa.

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    1. Thanks for the advice, Charmaine :-)

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  9. You can certainly feel Shaynda's power and command! I was sweating with Rissa. :) Great 8!

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  10. You can see the determination in Shaynda's actions -- Rissa will pay attention and she will learn.

    This is also a very physical description -- it doesn't have to mean anything other than a muscle-memory teaching method, but if you wanted Rissa and Shaynda to have a different relationship later, you could use that.

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    1. Excellent point, Sarah! Thank you. :-)

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  11. Great descriptions. Nicely handed tension.

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  12. Very descriptive. Shaynda's power is immediately evident. I can't wait to read more of Rissa's response.

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  13. I'm coming in here right in the middle of the sword/word play, but I get the jest of the lesson very well. I'd say you are right on track with showing strength and determination of both characters. Well done.

    Sue CollectInTexasGal~Today's Post~
    Here Comes The Stinking Bride

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    1. Well, thanks, Sue! And it's nice to see you! :-)

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  14. Great snippet, Teresa. I'd change this last bit "Over and over, Shaynda guided her through correct motions of combat moves. There was no mercy, no let up." to "Over and over, Shaynda guided her through the correction motions of combat, unyielding, relentless until Rissa could barely feel her arms." Something to bring us back to what's going on with Rissa. :)

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    1. Thanks, Siobhan--more great advice :-) !

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  15. Nice snippet, very physical, gives a sense of movement and power. And as someone said, the strong physical descriptions hint there could be something else going on in the future.

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    1. There could be. :-) Thanks for reading and commenting, Monica! :-)

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  16. Love the physicality on display here. Great snippet, Teresa.

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  17. Very nice snippet - lovely description of movement and reveal of each character's stubbornness. Great #8

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    1. Thanks, Susan. I think you are the master of writing sword fights. :-)

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  18. There's no way a pupil can ignore the instructions when the instructor is so commanding, and demanding. I know I'd pay attention.

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  19. I wonder if she'll take a liking to it or be surprisingly good at it. Great way to show both character's attitude towards the sword.

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  20. Rissa is possibly going to learn something. Enough talk, time for action. I have the feeling that Shaynda is not going to go easy on her.

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    1. She will, Linda. But she's being quite foolish, right now. :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)

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