Welcome, warriors! And welcome to SnipSuns and anyone else who wanders in. Here we are, July sliding on the downside!
Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly blog-hop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at Weekend Writing Warriors, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between 12:00 noon Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other, read, comment, critique, encourage--all those great things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
Set up: Marissa has spent the last year homeless and delusional. In this week's post, she's moving into a small house owned by a church. The pastor (Pastor Zaylor) and Rayanne, her volunteer counselor, are helping her take this step from the homeless shelter to her new "home". Izzy runs the shelter
*note You might encounter creative punctuation :-)
"Rayanne's eyes squinted
and Pastor Zaylor's cheeks dimpled, extending their smiles far beyond their lips. Both had helped
her, making a point of talking about how
moving day wasn’t moving from point A to point B, “You’re walking through two new doorways: one physical, a shelter, a home, and the other— a new world, a new life.”
With only a backpack to carry, calling it a moving day was the queen of overstatements. She'd said her few goodbyes at the shelter when she collected her bag. Only a couple of weeks staying there had been enough for her to form bonds. It had been her first step off the streets and even though Izzy had not allowed Marissa past her steel exterior, the gruff woman had treated her with dignity, and right now she needed that more than she needed a friend. Still, she'd miss her."
What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom. Thank you so much for visiting! Sundays are extra busy for me right now, so it might take me several days to return visits, but I will. Have a great week, all!
Another terrific character portrait, Teresa. Detailed, moving, and intriguing, I love it!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven! :-)
DeleteI like the pastor's and Rayanne's allegory (if that's the right word?!) for the psychological aspect of her moving. It's so true. Izzy is such a well-developed, strong character. The last sentence is a bit tangled up, and since you mentioned it, I know what Blogger formatting is "capable" of. Sometimes it's like playing a game of scrabble. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Dana. Allegory fits. :-) Blogger is downright naughty today! :-)
DeleteI love the pastor and Rayanne! So much goodness (I hope anyway) conveyed in their expressions and their words.
ReplyDeleteyep, legitimately good. :-) Thanks, Lila! :-)
DeleteThis really draws me in to her character - a very intriguing snippet.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Karen! :-)
DeleteI'm really enjoying reading about Marissa's journey. It's a great story! :-) Hope you don't mind a couple of suggestions:
ReplyDelete"two new doorways: one physical, a shelter, a home, and the other—INTO a new world"
would read smoother if you dropped "into|"
"first step off OF the streets" would also read smoother, without the "OF".
Looking forward to the next step in Marissa's new life!
I never mind suggestions, Debbie! Just like everyone else, I'm blind to my own work. :-) Thank you! :-)
DeleteI hope she finds success in her new life, however hard the adjustment might be.
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence should probably read "She'd miss her," not "She'd miss the her."
Thanks, Carrie Anne. I think I owe every reader an apology for a serious lack of editing today! I don't know what got into me. :-)
DeleteNice snippet--we're getting a real feel for Marissa's journey and how changes are setting up her new life. Agree with Debbie's suggestions. Also, "all of" almost never needs the "of"--read it aloud and see if it works to delete it. Actually reading your text out loud is great way to discern flow. I always read my stuff aloud.
ReplyDeleteGood advice, Nan! Thank you :-)
DeleteThis life journey she's on feels so real to me, as if I know your character. "Queen of overstatement" was a good one! Terrific snippet! (Might want to change blooger to blogger LOL.)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica! I'm so psyched that you relate to her! And yikes! I did a horrible job of editing this snippet, lol. "blooger" ~blush~ :-)
DeleteLots of good comments, all constructive, from the gang. Good eight and thanks again for saving me, Teresa.
ReplyDelete7/28/13 WEWRIWA wp.me/p2froP-15g via
Thanks, Charmaine! Anything I can do to help, I'm happy to. Thank you for signing up. I look forward to your posts!
DeleteYour url: http://authorcharmainegordon.wordpress.com/
I agree with the suggestions, and I also love "queen of overstatements" :-D
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you really know Marissa, and what makes her tick, makes your snippets so strong. You always get a lot into the excerpts but it doesn't feel forced.
You know I've had my own troubles with Blogger; last night included, in fact!
It's still misbehaving for me! Dang thing...
DeleteThanks, Marcia! :-)
Great 8! I sense her apprehension. I can really see and feel her character.
ReplyDeleteI think you can yank out the word "the" in this sentence "She'd miss the her" but at this point I might be afraid to touch it! I hate when blogger does that and I have to go in and tweak html.
History Sleuth's Milk Carton Murders
Thanks for the crits, Cindy! :-) Done!
Delete...queen of overstatements <-- loved this, especially after reading the paragraph before. It's such a big and little thing. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, S.J. ! :-)
DeleteAgree with S. J. that is a marvelous line. The entire snippet is good and I have my fingers crossed for her. [Just a nudge - think there is an extra word in the last line.]
ReplyDeleteHaha! Yes, I did a terrible job of polishing this snippet! Yikes! Leaving in extra words... :-)
DeleteThanks, Susan! :-)
Ack - the anonymous above is me.
ReplyDeleteSo intrigued by her character, brave but fragile. Great snippet.
ReplyDelete"brave but fragile" Nice! Thanks, Eleri :-)
DeleteI feel for Marissa... the pain of moving, living behind steel walls. She must be rather numb from the trauma, but yet there's hope for her, amongst these caring people. I'd love to hear more!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Susan. You're picking up all the right vibes about Marissa! :-)
DeleteGreat job! I like I feel both an external emotion on a large scale for people in her situation and an intimate one for her as a specific character in this situation. Beautifully done!
ReplyDeleteAwesome, Lauren! Your external emotion on a large scale says a lot about you--and it's all good. :-) Thanks! :-)
DeletePoor Marissa. I'm glad she's making progress. Nice 8.
ReplyDeleteShe does make progress, and then she backslides, over and over... Thanks, Elaine! :-)
DeleteLet's hope everything moves as well as it can for Marissa. You described her situation very well.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gemma! :-)
DeletePoor girl. A new start sounds good.
ReplyDeleteThanks, A.S. ! :-)
DeleteShe needed dignity more than a friend...that about broke my pea pickin' heart! I loved it Teresa, typo's and all : )
ReplyDeleteThanks, Millie! :-)
DeleteI think we all use creative punctuation. :D
ReplyDeleteI like your observations about moving day. It's always been an emotional experience for me, and I liked seeing that reflected in the narration.
Thanks, Ana. :-) Yeppers, moving day...I've only done it a couple of times, but it is emotional :-)
DeleteI like this snippet, Teresa, and how she still has humor in the face of a big change. Nicely done. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Siobhan! :-)
DeleteI get some weird blogger stuff happening to my text sometimes too, so no worries. As for the writing itself, it's quite excellent. I'm intrigued to know more about each of these characters so you've done a great job building interest! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jules! Sometimes Blogger is half the battle ;-) And thanks for your kind words :-)
DeleteThanks, Monica! I'm glad the emotions come through :-)
ReplyDeleteTotally understand Blogger's craziness! lol
ReplyDeleteGreat snippet. Definitely felt the emotion here. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, Karen! Glad the emotions come through! :-)
ReplyDelete