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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: November 10, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors
      
Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. Happy second Sunday in November. Yikes!  Almost time to bake pumpkin pies!  :-)

For all of you taking the NaNoWriMo plunge--Here's a BIG "You can do it! GO WARRIORS!" :-)

Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.



The Snippet Sunday group can be found HERE


This is from a WIP, a fantasy story. Working title is: "Taydan: Child Denied" I've skipped a few sentences to move it along.The ruler, Deamante, is about to become a father. His mate's sister, Crinda, has come and she's unwelcome. This week's eight is a dose of heavy foreshadowing, and a storm's blown in: Creative punctuation in use. :-)
 
Undaunted, Deamante fired back, “And look where it has brought us, Rella and me.  Look at the good coming for the Dominion, a son born this day.”



Brilliant flashes of lightning came amid resounding rumbles— a harbinger of doom. Deamante could see it— the wisdom tree standing so close to the house it was witness to this birth. Its mighty trunk, a lesson in naked strength, gave way to twisted and weak, broken and gnarled branches.  The wind roared through it, shouting to the ruler, but pride numbed his ears. He didn't hear it say, “From the mighty sometimes come the weak, a willow in the shadow of an oak."



Crinda turned away from Rella's face, and with a voice that carried more sadness now than anger, said, " I've been looking, Deamante, and  don't see good coming; I see sorrow. And most of tomorrow's sorrows were sown a long time before today.”


That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.  Thank you so much for visiting!

40 comments:

  1. I love the voice in this piece, very epic! =D

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  2. Dammit, Blogger ate my post :-(

    I like this a lot, I just tripped a bit on the repetition of "look" in Crinda's ending dialogue. She says to him "you keep looking" as if that's a bad thing, but admits to "looking" herself, so that seems contradictory. Maybe her point should be that he's looking in the wrong place?

    I like what you're doing with the story. The way you reveal things slowly has pulled me right in :-)

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    1. Good catch on the "look" tripping up the reader. I didn't read it out loud. I did some rework, but am sure this isn't the end of the rewriting it. ~sigh~ It's never quite good enough. :-) Thanks, Marcia!

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  3. Oh wow, I am so worried about this mom and baby now. Pride sure can keep us from seeing truth. I love the visual of the wisdom tree!

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  4. The magnificent storm, nature in all her fury. Very Shakesperean.
    Crinda's speech might be edited removing look as a key word. She looks and sees the past and future. The great Deamante can be forced to see what he has wrought with with other words.
    I love this.

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    1. Good observation on the word "look". And I thank you much for that! :-)

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  5. Oh, excellent writing Teresa. You painted that scene beautifully with your words. And what does all this mean for mother and child I wonder? You certainly are building trouble to come. Well done!
    History Sleuth's Milk Carton Murders

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    1. Thanks, Cindy! I'm following through with this opening chapter nearly in its entirety. :-)

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  6. Impending doom, indeed! You really made this scene come to life and I love the idea of a "Wisdom Tree".

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  7. Beautifully written. I love how your prose makes this piece so strong! Well done!

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  8. The part about the tree made me shiver, it was SO good, and seems to foreshadow things becoming very difficult if not tragic. Really an excellent excerpt!

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    1. Tragic...perhaps. :-) Thanks, Veronica! :-)

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  9. I can see several places this foreshadowing could lead. Well done.

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    1. There are several :-) Thanks Sue Ann :-)

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  10. Oh my, that does sound like an ominous bit of foreshadowing. Poor baby willow.

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  11. Wonderful imagery and beautiful writing!

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  12. Oh, wow. That gave me shivers. "From the mighty sometimes come the weak..." That part really got me. So ominous. I'm salivating here - more please!

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    1. Thanks, Nora. More coming up on Sunday :-)

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  13. I love the powerful imagery in this, and the crackling tension between the characters.

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  14. "A lesson in naked strength" such beautiful imagery with the tree. Charmaine said it so well, the way you're foreshadowing the elements of a tragedy in a very classical sense. Clever. I love it.

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    1. Thanks, Dana. Wish I could say I was trying for classic tragedy. ~sigh~ Sometimes happenstance works, though. ;-)

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  15. Wow, what awesome imagery/analogy involving the tree! Well done. ::biting nails for the child now::

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    1. Thanks, Rose :-) ! The child is in harm's way. :-)

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  16. It sounds like she's not there to make trouble, but to warn them?

    Very mysterious!

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  17. Descriptive and flows wonderfully! A very pleasant read.
    R

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  18. Interesting. This is to wet my palate, right? So when do I get to read more?

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    1. Thanks, Crystal! :-) Posting a little each week. I'm busy editing it. :-) There is NEVER enough time.

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