Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. Happy August. Yep. August!
Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published ot unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
Set up: Marissa has spent the last year homeless and delusional. In this week's post, she's moving into a small house owned by a church. The pastor (Pastor Zaylor) and Rayanne, her volunteer counselor, are helping her take this step from the homeless shelter to her new "home", They've just arrived.
*note You might encounter creative punctuation :-)
Thunder boomed and wind drove the first heavy raindrops of a
late spring storm against the house, rattling the old single pane windows. Rayanne’s
face beamed when she set a box on the table, exposing tissue paper tufts in a
kaleidoscope of colors. “Whew! We just beat the rain!” Then, as if hearing Marissa’s
unasked question, she added, “This is for you.”
Marissa blushed, and her gray eyes brimmed, threatening to spill over for the umpteenth time today. Hiding her shame behind tears of gratitude
wasn’t going to work forever, but the gratitude was as real as the generosity
and kindness of these strangers that inspired it.
That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom. Thank you so much for visiting! Sundays are extra busy for me right now, so it might take me several days to return visits, but I will. Have a great week, all!
Another really nice excerpt, Teresa! You've got several layers of things going on here and I think it works beautifully. Poor Marissa, she's still got so much to deal with; her difficulties are not over yet.
ReplyDeleteI suspect "who inspired" would be correct, but I don't claim any expertise ;)
Thanks. It means a lot, Marcia! :-)
DeleteIndeed a lovely snippet with all of its layers. Makes my heart warm for Marissa. Nicely done - sorry definitely NOT a grammar geek here - but the way it currently reads who sounds better to my ear.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Susan! I sometimes think, barring egregious errors, we should go with what sounds better. lol.
DeleteVery visual and emotional. Great writing Teresa!
ReplyDeleteHistory Sleuth's Milk Carton Murders
Thanks, Cindy :-) !
DeleteWow, nice snippet!! Love it. And I do believe "who" would be the way to go rather than "that". :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, J Rose!
DeleteNice snippet! Since you're referring to people, who is correct since it's modifying strangers. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteThanks, KM :-) !
DeleteThis is very touching. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteThank you, A.S. :-) !
DeleteThe first paragraph really set the scene. I could almost hear the thunder. Second part shows nice emotion.
ReplyDeleteNeat--glad it set the scene! Thanks, Elaine :-)
DeleteBeautiful detail and rich with emotion. Fabulous 8, Teresa!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven! :-)
DeleteExcellent job. This is so full of emotion and it has excellent deep POV and it pulled me right into the story.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lauren! ;-)
DeleteLove this excerpt! Especially enjoyed the 'kaleidoscope' description. As far as your grammar question goes, I think it's good as is. It never gave me pause as I read it. If it was anything glaringly obvious, it would. So no worries! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Evelyn :-)
DeleteWOW! You've captured an incredible amount of emotion in a few sentences. Amazing snippet this week!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess ;-D <-- Big smile! :-)
DeleteI'm so happy for Marissa and the kind people surrounding her. She's incredibly fortunate and you did a great job describing how the sense of shame is still there, just below the surface, even in the face of joy and gratitude! I can't help but root for Marissa - she's loveable :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Susan! ;-) Yep, the shame is there, and showing it adds to it. :-)
DeleteYour snippet tugs at my heart strings.
ReplyDeleteAs for the grammar...I felt like you were referring to the generosity of the strangers, not the strangers themselves. Therefore it would be correct as is, if that is the situation. If you took the strangers out...the generosity would be what inspired it. I could definitely be wrong though ; )
Thanks, Millie. I must have done something right to tug at heart strings :-)
Delete(Not a grammar geek AT all so leaving the question alone LOL) Loved the excerpt, sad, between the rain and her tears, but loved the pop of kaleidoscope color. Excellent excerpt!
ReplyDeleteThanks for picking up on subtle things, Veronica--and for visiting! :-)
DeleteI love the beautiful details in the first paragraph. It really brings the scene to life. This is a very emotional snippet.
ReplyDeleteI would say "strangers who inspired," since who refers to people, while that refers to abstract concepts or inanimate objects.
Thanks, Carrie-Anne :-)
DeleteI like how you used the thunder outside to make the inside feel more warm and intimate. I think readers need those small breaks of contentment.
ReplyDelete:-) Thanks, Zigzee! :-)
DeleteEarlier today I told you "who." I'm re-thinking and it seems to me that "that" makes more sense. "That" refers back to "kindness and generosity." When I get stuck in a grammar hole, I usually just re-write the whole sentence so that I don't have to deal with my uncertainty. But as someone else said, even if "that" is wrong, it's not distracting.
ReplyDeleteI think I need to take your advice and rewrite the sentence. lol. A decision like this shouldn't be so hard. It takes the fun out of writing :-)
DeleteIt's so heartbreaking when a character is so unused to simple acts of kindness . . . Then again, we tend to take those too much for granted.
ReplyDeleteTrue, Sarah. We take so much for granted :-) Thanks for visiting :-)
DeleteLoved your snippet and I think either works, who or that. I probably would have written 'that' the same as you. Love your first line.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gemma! :-)
DeleteWonderful snippet. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Joanne! :-)
DeleteWHO. Definitely. Wonderful scene, so poignant with a storm outside and kindness inside. Thank you for touching my heart.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charmaine!
DeleteGreat 8, Teresa. I'd have to go with who, since strangers are people.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ann! ;-)
DeleteI'm intrigued by the "shame". What is she ashamed of at this moment? Nicely done, Teresa. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Siobhan!
DeleteI wondered about the shame as well, but the emotions here are so clear. Excellent details!
ReplyDeleteThanks, J.M.! :-)
Delete