How cheap is the rent, really?
Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
Set up: Marissa has spent the last year homeless and delusional. In this week's post, she's moving into a small house owned by a church. The pastor (Pastor Zaylor) and Rayanne, her volunteer counselor, are helping her take this step from the homeless shelter to her new "home".
Rayanne and the Pastor are leaving now, and she's exploring her new digs.
*note You might encounter creative punctuation :-)
Not unlike a puppy that has no idea what to do with itself, Marissa trailed after them when they walked out the door. Another round of hugs where the sidewalk met parking lot, and they were gone. Watching them leave, a weird feeling hit her. This was really her home, and the rules to stay here were pretty simple: clean the church on Mondays, and help with the soup line. Well, call it the community soup gathering, or anything you want, but the truth of it was that it was a soup line and a soup line was charity.
She had those two chores, and she had to keep her nose clean and never stop trying. The rent seemed cheap enough, but Marissa knew all too well that there would be nothing easy or cheap about never giving up. She'd known defeat from the tippy-top of her head to the soles of her feet, and a big chunk of it had lodged in her heart--waiting there to remind her that sometimes giving up was a survival strategy too.
That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom. Thank you so much for visiting! It might take me several days to return visits, but I will. Have a great week, all!
Poor Marissa seems to be dealing with a lot of anxiety.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Linda! ;-)
DeleteI misread and thought Marissa was actually a puppy! So you did a great job with the symbolism and picking out traits that are puppy-like. The misread was my own fault, not yours :)
ReplyDeleteNoticed your progress on the reading challenge, I'm trying to read 50 this year but falling behind!
Thanks, Nikki! You should give this a try! :-)
DeleteIs there a character with whom she could share this in dialog as opposed to the reader hearing it from the narrator?
ReplyDeleteNice 8 though. Interesting story. She sounds like she might be a bit conflicted.
Thanks, Frank. I'll play with it a bit, but not sure I'd change it. I'll keep an open mind. :-) Yes. she's definitely conflicted! :-)
DeleteI really liked this. There's a simplicity to the internal monologue that delivers the information to through her to the reader cleanly and clearly yet it reveals her thoughts on whether she will be able to get through it and establishes conflict. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lauren!! :-) Makes my day :-)
DeleteI love the directness of the writing here. A thoroughly engaging character portrait. Great stuff as ever, Teresa!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven. Things really do happen int his story, lol. It's not all character development. ;-)
DeleteThis line is a beauty>>>She'd known defeat from the tippy-top of her head to the soles of her feet, and a big chunk of it had lodged in her heart--waiting there to remind her that sometimes giving up was a survival strategy too.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Eleri! :-) It came out during the polishing :-)
DeleteTeresa, BINGO! You hit the mark with this gorgeous eight. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charmaine! :-)
DeleteI thought this was well written. The conflict was clear yet it suggested an air of optimism and hope.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Elaine! ;-)
DeleteYou nailed it with that last line! Wonderful 8, Teresa. You've really gotten not just into her head, but the core of what makes her tick. Superb. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Marcia. I'm so worried about not staying true to who she is. I wrote this in 2005. I was a different person then, writing from a different perspective, a different stage of my life. Sometimes it seems I can't relate to this fictional girl. lolol.
DeleteI loved this snippet and found it very emotive, especially the last line. Well done it's beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gemma! :-) ~happy~
DeleteI love her internal monologue. It really shows how much she's been through and how difficult her coming task of reforming her life is.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carrie-Anne. She has a long and tough road ahead of her. :-)
DeleteThat's one of the saddest things I've ever heard.
ReplyDeleteWow~ Thanks, A.S. I'm glade it emoted. :-)
DeleteBeautiful writing. I love that last line, "She'd known defeat from the tippy-top of her head to the soles of her feet, and a big chunk of it had lodged in her heart--waiting there to remind her that sometimes giving up was a survival strategy too." Gave me goose-bumps in its accuracy.
ReplyDelete:-) <--- Humongous smile! Thanks, Karysa :-)
Delete"Sometimes giving up was a survival strategy too". Profound; as is the entire excerpt! I can feel her internal conflict and sense this will not be an easy road for Marissa. Great snippet, Teresa. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Debbie! ~blushing~ ;-)
DeleteSpoken like a true survivor, "sometimes giving up was a survival strategy too". As a survivor, I can relate to that! I'm so glad Marissa is being treated with kindness - I hope it lasts for her!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Susan. That means so much, coming from you :-)
DeleteI suspect keeping her nose clean and never stop trying are going to be the hard part.
ReplyDeleteYep, you're right, Sue Ann. She has a trouble-making, obsessive ex-husband. Thanks for visiting. :-)
DeleteAnother great excerpt from this story. She seems like such a real person, feel as if I know her and am pulling for her. Terrific snippet!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica! :-)
DeleteEach week, I find myself hoping more and more that she can pull through her personal struggles and come out on top. Loved the forlorn puppy imagery...just made me smile. Thanks for a lovely snippet!
ReplyDeleteVoice is good here. I also think the concept is awesome. A new start? It makes me wonder if she'll be able to keep up with the rules or not.
ReplyDelete