Weekend Writing Warriors August 25, 2013
A dream--right, this is a dream.
Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
Set up: Marissa has spent the last year homeless and delusional. In this week's post, I've backed up to very early in the story. We're in a dream, or maybe it's reality? She's been abducted, but still hasn't figured that out. There's an injured man she's caring for as best she can, and predators are on the loose, attacking when it's time for a meal.
*note You might encounter creative punctuation :-)
Sitting motionless in air that was thick with fear and not much
else, she concentrated on calming herself, but as is often the case when pushed beyond reason, the harder she tried, the more she felt
a surge of panic just under the surface. Keep it together. Her golden-eyed companion slumped, helpless, half against the wall and half
against her, vacillating between mumbling and moaning.
A
thought gnawed at the back of her mind. Predators--that was it; they'd
return, and she'd have to fight to survive ...again. Then it all came
back as seamlessly as if she'd never left her dream. A dream--right, this is a dream. She just had to wake up.
One little special announcement before I wrap it up. Wewriwa.com is offering, at no charge, 4 promo slots on our sidebar for regular participants. How does a writer become a regular participant? Sign up and post at least 8 out of 10 Sundays in a row. The spots will be changed once a month, Details here: Weekend Writing Warriors free book promo
That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom. Thank you so much for visiting! It might take me several days to return visits, but I will. Have a great week, all!
Hey Teresa! So good. This snippet goes to show how adept you are with suspense. Rich in detail, yet it still moves the story forward quite nicely!
ReplyDeleteOne thing jumps out at me in the first sentence: "..but as is often the case when pushed beyond reason.." I think this part rather takes away from the moment.
I'm not sure how well one can generalize expertise in dealing with fear, and this is such a unique situation, it seems impossible to compare it to anything else. I don't think you need that part.
P.S. I'm very much in love with your cover picture. :)
Thanks dearie. I hold your opinions dear, and will take it into consideration before this chapter goes to the editor. :-) Thanks so much <3
DeleteI'm not sure if she needs to wake up, or wake up to the fact that she's not dreaming--and I'm enjoying my own uncertainty about it!
ReplyDeleteCool! Thanks, Sarah! :-)
DeleteWhat a great snippet! My favorite sentence was, "Then it all came back as seamlessly as if she'd never left her dream." I think this sentence says so much with so few words. You've completely drawn me into her panic and confusion. I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteNeat! Big smile here, Denise! Thank you :-)
DeleteWow! I love the air 'thick with fear'. You've done a great job with conveying her confusion and terror, whether it's a dream or not.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Karen! :-)
DeleteVery vivid snippet! I too love the ending--the part where she remembers she's in a dream. It makes me wonder if she really is...or just wishing she was. Terrific snippet!
ReplyDeleteThe burning question from beginning till end, Joanne :-) Thank you!
DeleteI agree with Dana re: as is often, etc and also would take out 'that was' leaving 'air thick with fear'. Beautiful eight, writing excellent. Where would we be without us to point out stuff?
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charmaine. I'll remove them. Odd how blind we become to our own work. :-) !
DeleteWith "dreams" like this, is really Marissa delusional or is it everyone around her who are out of reality? Waking up still seems like a good idea if that is possible.
ReplyDeleteThat is the question, Linda! Thank you! :-)
DeleteI enjoyed that moment of fear and anxiety she felt. When I say I enjoyed it, I mean that I almost felt as if I were her, which was a good read. I like the overall descriptions of this scene. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteWoooot! Thanks, Frank. You made my day!! :-)
DeleteYikes! predators. It sounds like things are getting ready to really involve trouble.
ReplyDelete~Decadent
My Blog
Yeppers. Bad things ahead!:-) :-)
DeleteTense, visual and gripping, painted with some terrific prose. Not to speak too plainly, Teresa, but this snippet kicks butt!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven! :-)
DeleteYup, great snippet as usual, hon. I especially like "thick with fear and not much else"--really gives a sense of how she's so scared she's barely breathing.
ReplyDeleteNeato :D
Thanks, Marcia! I lol'd when I read "Neato" My kids tease me about using that word. lol.
DeleteThis story has me absolutely wrapped in knots with all the twists and turns and I LOVE it. Terrific snippet!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica! :-)
DeleteExcellent hook at the end. you did a fantastic job tugging me about as a reader with multiple emotions expressed in just 8 sentences. :)
ReplyDelete:-) Thanks so much, Lauren! :-)
DeleteWow. It's terrifying and intriguing. Love how the last line leaves us hanging. Well done. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, S.J. ! :-)
DeleteTeresa, such an excellent eight. I hope she can wake herself up...
ReplyDeleteThanks, Millie. Life is a chore, for sure. :-)
Delete"Sitting motionless in air that was thick with fear and not much else..." This puts me right in the scene. Simple yet specific and urging me to read on. Terrific tension and you know I'm a sucker for unreliable narrators. Can't wait to read this one, Teresa! :D
ReplyDeleteHaha! Yes indeed, you do like the unreliable narrator. ATNS is your dynasty. :-) ! Thanks for visiting, Monica :-)
DeleteOh my, how scary is that! Not to know if you are in reality or a dream. You did this very well. I can sense her confusion and fear. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHistory Sleuth's Milk Carton Murders
(PS. Thanks for a spot in the sidebar :))
Neat! Thanks, Cindy! And you are so welcome :-)
DeleteScary moment, is it a dream or should I get the pillow to hide behind!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gemma! Please don't hide. This isn't even close to the worst ;-)
DeleteSometimes dreams can be just as real as "real" life... I'm really enjoying Marissa's story and I hope she will come to a place where the "terror just below the surface" is confronted and left behind... she deserves a good life! You've done such a great job with this story!
ReplyDeleteThanks, those are some wonderful words to read! :-)
DeleteI'll bet it's not that simple. Great snippet!
ReplyDeleteThanks, A.S. :-)
DeleteI love the juxtaposition of the two "realities." Nicely done, Teresa. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Siobhan! :-)
DeleteWonder what her dreams are trying to tell her.
ReplyDeleteAnd that, dear Sue, is the burning question! Thanks for visiting. :-)
DeleteI really love the language you use to create this feeling of terror and uncertainty. I hope she's able to find some inner-peace eventually and get past this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carrie-Anne :-) Inner peace is a long way from where she is. :-)
DeleteHave to agree with everyone here - this is a great eight! Really felt her anxiety and fear. The hint of what's to come, with her vague memories of a predator, is a great tease. And I liked that we're not sure whether it's a dream or reality.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Monica :-) !
Delete