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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: September 1, 2013


Weekend Writing Warriors
      



Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. Happy September!  Yeah, I'm not being a wise guy. September is such a beautiful month, clinging to summer but finally aquiescing to the calendar, and ushering in fall with its cooler weather.  C'mon. It's not winter yet. :-)

Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
 
Set up:  Marissa has spent the last year homeless and delusional. In this week's post, I've backed up to very early in the story. We're in a dream, or maybe it's reality? She's been abducted, but still hasn't figured that out. There's an injured man she's caring for as best she can, and predators are on the loose, attacking when it's time for a meal. There's a lull in the action, and she has a minute, finally, to look him over.


*note   You might encounter creative punctuation :-)









With no immediate threat looming, she leaned away from her wounded companion and gave him a once-over. 

"Even though he slouched, she could tell he was a big man, the biggest man she'd ever seen; probably seven feet tall, or close to."

The breadth of his shoulders was unmistakable in spite of being hidden under ancient battle dress—the kind they'd worn a long, long time ago. In reality, she had no idea when they wore such outfits, but it didn't take a history scholar to know they were archaic.



Her gaze continued upward past his massive shoulders and thick neck to his face. His skin was the color of cinnamon, and his hair—black as ebony, was in a braid that disappeared behind his back. Black as ebony? Why would she have ripped that description straight from a fairytale?

That's it. Tune in next week to "see" that face. What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.  Thank you so much for visiting!  We are going to my daughter's (an hour and a half north of us) for a picnic today. I probably won't get around to visit you all until tomorrow. I hope you have a good day. If you celebrate Labor Day, please do it safely, and enjoy the day! 

 


63 comments:

  1. I pictured him from your description and enjoyed how well you underscored the normalcy for a moment with her subtle doubt about everything.

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    1. Much juxtaposition going on in the book. Glad you enjoyed it, Gem. Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  2. I love this description -- she's observing it, and processing it with what she knows from her own experiences. And the last line is wonderful!

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    1. Haha! Thanks, Donna. There is fairytale like quality to much of the dream portion of the book. :-)

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  3. I love the way you continue to build the tension from last weeks snippet. Now we have an idea of what he looks like but we're still left wondering about everything

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    1. Thanks, Michelle! :-) I'll continue in this scene for a while yet. I want the Warriors to be able to picture him while I continue with snippets from this story. :-)

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  4. Great tension, and the accompanying imagery is well used. I agree that September is a nice month, but I'm looking forward to winter

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    1. Thanks, Frank :-) I do like winter. But the older I get, the more I like a short winter, lol!

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  5. Agreed, great visual. It's perfectly natural for her to study the guy a bit once she gets a minute to think.

    I'm wondering about the sentence that starts "Estimating his height..." To me, it reads less smoothly than the rest of the description. I played around with it and came up with something that combines the 2 sentences: "Even though he slouched, she could tell he was a big man, the biggest man she'd ever seen; probably seven feet tall, or close to."

    If what you have fits your character better, ignore me :D

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    1. I knew it felt awkward, but had rewritten it so many times, I could see the trees for the forest. :-) I like your suggestion. Thank you!! :-)

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  6. LOVE this eight except--here I jump in with a suggestion--consider deleting the word 'personally'
    Dream or reality, I'm captured. Thanks, Teresa.

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    1. Thanks for the suggestion, Charmaine. It's a good one! :-)

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  7. Beautiful description. And that last line made me laugh. =D

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  8. Lovely snippet AND really makes me wonder about all the snippets I've read from later in time. Think "personally" could be eliminated since that IS the only thing she could see. Great snippet - definitely want to find out more.

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    1. Thanks for the suggestion, Susan. I agree. I can't say if it's reality or dreams. :-) Down the road I'll be looking for Beta readers, though. :-)

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  9. That is a big man. Love the description and I'm wondering what she's gotten herself into.

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    1. Thanks, Eleri. I'm so glad it's making you guys wonder! :-)

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  10. I really like the way you approached the description; it's innocent, hesitant, and very clear, nonetheless. And it sparks a few questions too!

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    1. Thanks, Emilie! Sparking questions is good!

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  11. I love this story, today's snippet gives me hope maybe all the earlier events before the homeless revelation might have some reality??? But it's all good. Enjoy the picnic!

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    1. There's hope, Veronica. ;-) It's a long story. :-)

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  12. I love the way you described him from her perspective, but in a surreal way. I get the feeling that she's disoriented about him, but you give us just enough to pique interest. Who is he? I'd love to read more.

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    1. Thanks, Alex. I like what the snippet felt like to you. I'll be posting from this for quite a while. :-)

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  13. beautiful snippet, i love the pacing here and how you've described everything interspersed with action. :)

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  14. There's plenty of confusion to sink into here, but I love what she chooses to observe of him. Intriguing mix.

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  15. I like very much! I'm with everyone else on the height thing, only I think I'd do...Even though he slouched, she could tell he was the biggest man she’d ever seen. Something like that : )

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    1. And, I am intrigued by him and want to know who he is and how he got wounded.

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    2. Good suggestion, and I thank you for it, Millie. And thanks for visiting. :-)

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  16. He's huge, but definitely intriguing. I'm curious about his face and I loved the detail of the long braid.

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    1. Thanks, Elizabeth :-) More coming about his face :-)

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  17. A very compelling description! Intriguing.

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  18. Ebony hair--is she recognizing that she's in a dream?

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    1. At this point, she's starting to think that it really could be a dream, but if it's not, she's in deep trouble. Thanks for visiting, Sue Ann. :-)

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  19. Gorgeous imagery---if she's dreaming, she has a great subconscious.

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  20. How you are mixing a fantasy/dream storyline with Marissa's recovery story is particularly fascinating to me... is this a W.I.P. or is this story published? I'd love to read the whole story!

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    1. Thanks, Susan. This is a W.I.P but just about a month ago, I started working with an editor to get it whipped into shape. Maybe in the next 6 months. Huge task. :-)

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  21. Wow, he's quite big. The clothing is intriguing, especially since we don't know if it's real or a dream. Hmm...

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  22. I love the detailed description you give of him, and the last line. This really does read like it could be a dream sequence.

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  23. How horrible to not know if it is a dream or real. His clothes and build suggest a dream, but to her, so realistic. This is a great story and I like the split in her lives and her reality so we really don't know either which is which do we? Excellent 8!

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    1. Thanks, Cindy. It's another fine line for a writer to walk. How long to hold out the confusion, to keep the reader wondering along with the character. :-)

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  24. What an amazing situation to find yourself in. Nice snippet, Teresa. And he sounds really interesting. Nicely done. :)

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  25. I love a bit of 'creative punctuation'. A very intriguing 8, looking forward to finding out more.

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  26. Wow Teresa you paint a great picture! I can see him in front of me!

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  27. I am amazed by your writing. You description and details are that of a writer who makes people visualize scenes. I like the part where she could see that he is tall in spite of him slouching. Wow!

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  28. Attention-getting description.
    Well done!

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  29. Maybe it's not a dream, maybe she jumped in a fairy tale. That man seems attractive.

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    1. Thanks, Linda! Yes, there are different possibilities. :-)

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  30. Nice post, great blog, following :)

    Good Luck :)

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    1. Thanks, GTD. I couldn't find my way to your blog.

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