Weekend Writing Warriors: September 29, 2013
Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. Happy last morning of summer! :-)
Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
This from a WIP, a fantasy story. Working
title is: "Taydan: Child Denied"
The ruler, Deamante, is about to become a father. He's been waiting for quite some time outside of the birthing room, listening to his mate's cries of agony. Finally, allowed inside, he's faced with a surreal time.
Creative punctuation in use. :-)
The ruler, Deamante, is about to become a father. He's been waiting for quite some time outside of the birthing room, listening to his mate's cries of agony. Finally, allowed inside, he's faced with a surreal time.
Creative punctuation in use. :-)
Never had a day been so
wonderful, so perfect, and so gut-wrenching.
After scrubbing his hands vigorously
as instructed, he stretched his arms in front of him toward a waiting aide. The
jittery helper slid
a gown onto him then fumbled at his neck--tying the knee-length cover closed.
Deamante took a deep breath and fought
to relax the worry furrows knitted on his brow. Apprehension filtered through him, from
the top of his head to his toes. When he finally willed his feet to move, his cat-steps
were soundless as he approached the bed where she lay. A lump formed in his
throat when he looked down into a face that seemed foreign, almost deformed
by the agony. Desperate eyes blinked up at him while a low moan, little
more than a whimper, escaped her.
I guess in this world the mates don't assist with birthing? I like the way you described her face.
ReplyDeleteNot this mate. :-) Thanks, Cara. :-)
DeleteI'm left with a curiosity to know what happens next!
ReplyDeleteRoberta B
Thanks, Roberta. I'll be posting from this for a while. :-)
DeleteYou pulled me in with every hushed word. I found myself in the scene as a watcher. Beautiful writing, Teresa.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charmaine! :-)
DeleteYup, emotional and tense, as fits the scene. I hope you post more of this because now I'm definitely interested not just in how the birth goes, but in what the relationship between mother and father is like :D I'm glad you've had time to post this month.
ReplyDelete(BTW, you want "aide" in this context. And of course that's something spell check wouldn't catch!)
Good catch, Marcia! Thank you--I changed it.
DeleteHave you considered freelancing as an editor? Seriously. :-)
Very involving. You have a terrific ability to pull the reader right into the scene and make them feel like they're a part of the action -- well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven! Coming from a master of descriptive writing, I'm humbled. :-)
DeleteWell, I'm definitely not willing to trade places with her! lol. My sympathies to your character. Great, well-described 8, Teresa! :)
ReplyDeleteYeppers, Evelyn! And the birth isn't the worst of it. :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)
DeleteOh, the moment is close...I can feel her pain, and his apprehension! Excellent eight!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Millie. Moms get that part right away, I think. :-)
DeleteI really was left feeling sorry for his mate, sounds like she's been through quite the ordeal. Very intriguing. Glad we're going to hear more from this story... Excellent excerpt!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica! :-)
Deletethe tension leading up to this scene makes me think things might not end well for her
ReplyDeleteYou are extremely perceptive, Michelle! :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)
DeleteI'm a birth junkie, and I love reading and writing birth scenes. The scene really came alive with all the descriptions.
ReplyDeleteNeat! I wrote one for another story. When I get back to that one, I'll have to put it in an 8sunday post. I'm never sure of very tense scenes like birth scenes, :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)
DeleteThe poor guy. They do feel helpless during this time don't they. You've conveyed that really well. Nice snippet.
ReplyDeleteThey do, but he's so arrogant, it's tough to feel pity for him when you read the whole chapter. This event turns him into a cold bastard. :-) Thanks for visiting!
DeleteSounds like they have germ theory but not anesthetics. beautiful writing, but I wonder about the background.
ReplyDeleteThey do have quite evolved technology in many areas, Sue Ann, including medicine. But, it's a cultural thing, to endure the suffering. Thanks for visiting. :-) And thanks for your insight. :-)
DeleteYou've done a wonderful job capturing his emotions in this snippet. It's a compelling snippet.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess! :-)
DeleteSucked me right in. I want to know what happens next. Very well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks, AS! :-)
DeleteAww, poor guy. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting, Sandra! :-)
DeleteWhat an evocative eight! Well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks, JA! :-)
DeleteReally engaging tension!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that caught my attention is this sentence: "Apprehension filtered through him, from the top of his head to his toes."
I'm not sure it's necessary. We already know he's worried and the stress build up as he had to go through several steps before being able to walk in. The delay caused by this sentence doesn't seem to bring much to the table.
Not a tension-breaker, but something to ponder. ;)
Thanks, Aheila, I'll definitely do some pondering. :-)
DeleteI remember personally experiencing that agony---I guess I'm lucky there weren't any cameras in the delivery room!
ReplyDeleteYou're really keeping up the tension!
Yep, we do remember it, but isn't it in a diffused sort of way? I remember thinking after labor started with my second child--that it all came back, but if we had near perfect recall of the intensity of the pain, none of us would ever have a second child. lol. Thanks for visiting!
DeleteHis anxiety is catching. :) Great descriptions!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Danita! :-)
DeleteLove the way the great and I take it powerful ruler becomes a bundle of nerves as he goes in to see his mate - not sure from this excerpt if she has already given birth or is still in the process.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Chelle. Baby's on the way, soon. :-)
DeleteTeresa,
ReplyDeletethis is just gutwrenching in a good way! I'm so in the moment and feeling the anxiety and worry. Great job! I'll be tuning in next week to see if the baby arrives!
Thanks, Lauren. I'll be pulling from this one for a bit. :-)
DeleteLove how you've shown the tension on both sides. I wanted to read slow and soak it in, but the tension pushed me forward. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, SJ. :-)
DeleteWow, this is heart-rending, Teresa! So tough for the character and the reader. Great eight.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kate! :-)
DeleteI feel so sorry for his love. Great invoking of empathy here, and I love the way you describe things so entirely, yet so succinctly. Well done eight!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nora. Seems like I'm feeling my way in the dark...
DeleteStaying outside might have been so frustrating, I like the emotion you put at the end of the snippet.
ReplyDelete