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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: September 29, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: September 29, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors
      
Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. Happy last morning of summer! :-)

Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.




This from a WIP, a fantasy story. Working title is: "Taydan: Child Denied"
The ruler, Deamante, is about to become a father. He's been waiting for quite some time outside of the birthing room, listening to his mate's cries of agony.  Finally, allowed inside, he's faced with a surreal time.
Creative punctuation in use. :-)

    
      Never had a day been so wonderful, so perfect, and so gut-wrenching.

    After scrubbing his hands vigorously as instructed, he stretched his arms in front of him toward a waiting aide. The jittery helper slid a gown onto him then fumbled at his neck--tying the knee-length cover closed.  

     Deamante took a deep breath and fought to relax the worry furrows knitted on his brow. Apprehension filtered through him, from the top of his head to his toes. When he finally willed his feet to move, his cat-steps were soundless as he approached the bed where she lay. A lump formed in his throat when he looked down into a face that seemed foreign, almost deformed by the agony.  Desperate eyes blinked up at him while a low moan, little more than a whimper, escaped her.

That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.  Thank you so much for visiting!

49 comments:

  1. I guess in this world the mates don't assist with birthing? I like the way you described her face.

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  2. I'm left with a curiosity to know what happens next!
    Roberta B

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    1. Thanks, Roberta. I'll be posting from this for a while. :-)

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  3. You pulled me in with every hushed word. I found myself in the scene as a watcher. Beautiful writing, Teresa.

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  4. Yup, emotional and tense, as fits the scene. I hope you post more of this because now I'm definitely interested not just in how the birth goes, but in what the relationship between mother and father is like :D I'm glad you've had time to post this month.

    (BTW, you want "aide" in this context. And of course that's something spell check wouldn't catch!)

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    1. Good catch, Marcia! Thank you--I changed it.

      Have you considered freelancing as an editor? Seriously. :-)

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  5. Very involving. You have a terrific ability to pull the reader right into the scene and make them feel like they're a part of the action -- well done!

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    1. Thanks, Steven! Coming from a master of descriptive writing, I'm humbled. :-)

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  6. Well, I'm definitely not willing to trade places with her! lol. My sympathies to your character. Great, well-described 8, Teresa! :)

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    1. Yeppers, Evelyn! And the birth isn't the worst of it. :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  7. Oh, the moment is close...I can feel her pain, and his apprehension! Excellent eight!

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    1. Thanks, Millie. Moms get that part right away, I think. :-)

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  8. I really was left feeling sorry for his mate, sounds like she's been through quite the ordeal. Very intriguing. Glad we're going to hear more from this story... Excellent excerpt!

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  9. the tension leading up to this scene makes me think things might not end well for her

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    1. You are extremely perceptive, Michelle! :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  10. I'm a birth junkie, and I love reading and writing birth scenes. The scene really came alive with all the descriptions.

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    1. Neat! I wrote one for another story. When I get back to that one, I'll have to put it in an 8sunday post. I'm never sure of very tense scenes like birth scenes, :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  11. The poor guy. They do feel helpless during this time don't they. You've conveyed that really well. Nice snippet.

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    1. They do, but he's so arrogant, it's tough to feel pity for him when you read the whole chapter. This event turns him into a cold bastard. :-) Thanks for visiting!

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  12. Sounds like they have germ theory but not anesthetics. beautiful writing, but I wonder about the background.

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    1. They do have quite evolved technology in many areas, Sue Ann, including medicine. But, it's a cultural thing, to endure the suffering. Thanks for visiting. :-) And thanks for your insight. :-)

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  13. You've done a wonderful job capturing his emotions in this snippet. It's a compelling snippet.

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  14. Sucked me right in. I want to know what happens next. Very well done!

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  15. Really engaging tension!

    The only thing that caught my attention is this sentence: "Apprehension filtered through him, from the top of his head to his toes."
    I'm not sure it's necessary. We already know he's worried and the stress build up as he had to go through several steps before being able to walk in. The delay caused by this sentence doesn't seem to bring much to the table.

    Not a tension-breaker, but something to ponder. ;)

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    1. Thanks, Aheila, I'll definitely do some pondering. :-)

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  16. I remember personally experiencing that agony---I guess I'm lucky there weren't any cameras in the delivery room!

    You're really keeping up the tension!

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    1. Yep, we do remember it, but isn't it in a diffused sort of way? I remember thinking after labor started with my second child--that it all came back, but if we had near perfect recall of the intensity of the pain, none of us would ever have a second child. lol. Thanks for visiting!

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  17. His anxiety is catching. :) Great descriptions!

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  18. Love the way the great and I take it powerful ruler becomes a bundle of nerves as he goes in to see his mate - not sure from this excerpt if she has already given birth or is still in the process.

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    1. Thanks, Chelle. Baby's on the way, soon. :-)

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  19. Teresa,
    this is just gutwrenching in a good way! I'm so in the moment and feeling the anxiety and worry. Great job! I'll be tuning in next week to see if the baby arrives!

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    1. Thanks, Lauren. I'll be pulling from this one for a bit. :-)

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  20. Love how you've shown the tension on both sides. I wanted to read slow and soak it in, but the tension pushed me forward. Well done.

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  21. Wow, this is heart-rending, Teresa! So tough for the character and the reader. Great eight.

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  22. I feel so sorry for his love. Great invoking of empathy here, and I love the way you describe things so entirely, yet so succinctly. Well done eight!

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    1. Thanks, Nora. Seems like I'm feeling my way in the dark...

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  23. Staying outside might have been so frustrating, I like the emotion you put at the end of the snippet.

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