Weekend Writing Warriors: September 22, 2013
Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. Happy last morning of summer! :-)
Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
I
have a major changeup in excerpt source. ATNS is all a muddle. Until I
work it out, I'll be pulling from another WIP, a fantasy story. working
title is: "Taydan: Child Denied"
The ruler, Deamante, is about to become a father. He's been waiting for quite some time outside of the birthing room, listening to his mate's cries of agony.
Creative punctuation is use. :-)
The ruler, Deamante, is about to become a father. He's been waiting for quite some time outside of the birthing room, listening to his mate's cries of agony.
Creative punctuation is use. :-)
The
door flew open and the old healer burst into the hallway, halting the soon-to-be father mid-step.
Motionless for the first time in what seemed like days, Deamante's unspoken questions and looming demands weighted the air, rendering
the moment breathless.
After dropping
his gaze momentarily--a show of respect--or fear, the old man lifted his eyes to meet Deamante’s. Then, without
waiting for the ruler's unspoken thoughts to find voice, he said, "It’s nearly time.
If it is your wish, your Sir-ness, please come inside."
Deamante
hurried behind the old, gowned man, almost stepping on his heels; he’d
follow him anywhere. Today, in his eyes, the old man was just shy of being a god. He was, after all, the man who would soon
oversee his son's passage from beyond the sacred veil, where every man has seen but none remember, to this side of the Divine mystery.
Deamante's father-to-be tension is palpable! :)
ReplyDeleteJust a suggestion, and most likely an unnecessary one, but I wonder if the flow (which is good) would be even better if the last two sentences were switched?
Thanks, Sarah. I'll give it some thought. It has a long way to go before I'm finished changing things. :-)
DeleteVery interesting. Beautiful pros...
ReplyDeleteThanks, A.S. :-) !
DeleteI loved the language in this excerpt (and the tension). "Your Sir-ness" threw me out of the flow for a moment though....but an excellent snippet!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica. Will consider it. :-)
DeleteI kind of like the order of the last 2 sentences
ReplyDeleteI love the soft side of this great ruler showing i his nervousness about his child being born.
Thanks, Chelle! :-)
DeleteThat last sentence is downright wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Elaine! :-)
DeleteI really like the language and cadence of this piece. Nice excerpt!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven :-)
DeleteI really like the tension in here. It's very palpable and relatable (though I'm not a mom, much less a dad).
ReplyDeleteTwo things stood out for me. "Sir-ness", like Veronica mentioned and also "where every man has seen but none remember". It made me feel like "what" every man has seen is missing. Did you mean "which every man has seen" or "where every man has seen Truth but none remember" (or whatever thing you want them to see)?
Maybe that last one just bugs me 'cause English is my second language, though.
Thanks for the insight, Emilie! I'd have never guessed that you're a non-native speaker! :-)
DeleteI particularly like paragraph #2; full of emotion and the "rendering the moment breathless" does not seem forced here. It just fits as the narrator's observation. Excellent way to put it, too. :D
ReplyDeleteThanks, Marcia. It all seems forced to me. I think I've played with it too much. :-)
DeleteLovely description and detail. The father-to-be's anxiousness is almost touchable. Sir-ness sounds off but I don't know the culture and perhaps that is part of it.
ReplyDeleteSwitching the last 2 sentences as suggested above would, I think, increase the impact of both. Great 8.
Thanks, Susan. Yeppers, Going to take a look at the syntax the whole way around. :-)
DeleteYou captured his tension about the birth wonderfully. I like the imagery of where every man has seen but none remember. how true. I do agree that you can play with the wording a bit for a more natural flow and meaning.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Michelle. Noted and will be playing with the wording. :-)
DeleteTeresa, You grabbed me and didn't let go with excitement, anxiety and a sense of amusement. Your Sir-ness is funny and why not? Never cut funny. And who said it's a boy? No one. Only his expectation and pride. He went behind the veil-into her body, planted a seed and what happens next? Marvelous eight.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charmaine! I hope other readers see what you've seen in the words. :-)
DeleteLoving the show of respect he has for the old healer. Exciting snippet for sure.
ReplyDeleteThanks, S.J. :-)
DeleteGreat description! I can really sense his nerves and tension.
ReplyDeleteNeat! Thanks, Elyzabeth :-)
DeleteWhat if it's a daughter?
ReplyDeleteIt's been foretold--so if you believe the sooths... ;-)
DeleteThanks for visiting. :-)
I love the descriptions. Very nice!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Danita :-)
DeleteWow, this feels like part of a really intense snippet. I always love the names you choose for your characters.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess! Neat--about the names. Thanks for the smile!
DeleteNicely done, Teresa. I like his worry. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Siobhan. :-)
DeleteGreat setup.
ReplyDeleteIf readers learn the secret that no one remembers (from beyond the sacred veil), you've got a story.
If we don't, you've got an even better story!
Kudos!
Thanks, Chip. Interesting way to look at it! :-)
DeleteTeresa, I really loved this. And, I like the last two sentences as is...I say read it aloud, and see what sounds good.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Millie. Good advice! :-) Thank you.
DeleteI love the prose in this, particularly the highly spiritual images suggested in the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carrie-Anne :-)
DeleteI could feel his anxiousness and reverence, great job!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Angela :-)
DeleteI love the speech. Beautifully done. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Karen! :-)
ReplyDeleteNice job capturing a new father's angst with the waiting. And the whole Sacred veil had me thinking, what is that about. I didn't expect it. So a bit of mystery here at the end of the snippet to make the reader keep reading. Well done, Teresa!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Cindy :-)
Delete