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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: Sept 22, 2103

Weekend Writing Warriors: September 22, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors
      



Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. Happy last morning of summer! :-)

Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.


I have a major changeup in excerpt source. ATNS is all a muddle. Until I work it out, I'll be pulling from another WIP, a fantasy story. working title is: "Taydan: Child Denied"

The ruler, Deamante, is about to become a father. He's been waiting for quite some time outside of the birthing room, listening to his mate's cries of agony. 

Creative punctuation is use. :-) 


     The door flew open and the old healer burst into the hallway, halting the soon-to-be father mid-step. 
     Motionless for the first time in what seemed like days, Deamante's unspoken questions and looming demands weighted the air, rendering the moment breathless.   
    After dropping his gaze momentarily--a show of respect--or fear, the old man lifted his eyes to meet Deamante’s. Then, without waiting for the ruler's unspoken thoughts to find voice, he said, "It’s nearly time. If it is your wish, your Sir-ness, please come inside."     

    Deamante hurried behind the old, gowned man, almost stepping on his heels; he’d follow him anywhere.  Today, in his eyes, the old man was just shy of being a god. He was, after all, the man who would soon oversee his son's passage from beyond the sacred veil, where every man has seen but none remember, to this side of the Divine mystery.
    

That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.  Thank you so much for visiting!

46 comments:

  1. Deamante's father-to-be tension is palpable! :)

    Just a suggestion, and most likely an unnecessary one, but I wonder if the flow (which is good) would be even better if the last two sentences were switched?

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    1. Thanks, Sarah. I'll give it some thought. It has a long way to go before I'm finished changing things. :-)

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  2. I loved the language in this excerpt (and the tension). "Your Sir-ness" threw me out of the flow for a moment though....but an excellent snippet!

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  3. I kind of like the order of the last 2 sentences

    I love the soft side of this great ruler showing i his nervousness about his child being born.

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  4. That last sentence is downright wonderful.

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  5. I really like the language and cadence of this piece. Nice excerpt!

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  6. I really like the tension in here. It's very palpable and relatable (though I'm not a mom, much less a dad).

    Two things stood out for me. "Sir-ness", like Veronica mentioned and also "where every man has seen but none remember". It made me feel like "what" every man has seen is missing. Did you mean "which every man has seen" or "where every man has seen Truth but none remember" (or whatever thing you want them to see)?

    Maybe that last one just bugs me 'cause English is my second language, though.

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    1. Thanks for the insight, Emilie! I'd have never guessed that you're a non-native speaker! :-)

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  7. I particularly like paragraph #2; full of emotion and the "rendering the moment breathless" does not seem forced here. It just fits as the narrator's observation. Excellent way to put it, too. :D

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    1. Thanks, Marcia. It all seems forced to me. I think I've played with it too much. :-)

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  8. Lovely description and detail. The father-to-be's anxiousness is almost touchable. Sir-ness sounds off but I don't know the culture and perhaps that is part of it.

    Switching the last 2 sentences as suggested above would, I think, increase the impact of both. Great 8.

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    1. Thanks, Susan. Yeppers, Going to take a look at the syntax the whole way around. :-)

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  9. You captured his tension about the birth wonderfully. I like the imagery of where every man has seen but none remember. how true. I do agree that you can play with the wording a bit for a more natural flow and meaning.

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    1. Thanks, Michelle. Noted and will be playing with the wording. :-)

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  10. Teresa, You grabbed me and didn't let go with excitement, anxiety and a sense of amusement. Your Sir-ness is funny and why not? Never cut funny. And who said it's a boy? No one. Only his expectation and pride. He went behind the veil-into her body, planted a seed and what happens next? Marvelous eight.

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    1. Thanks, Charmaine! I hope other readers see what you've seen in the words. :-)

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  11. Loving the show of respect he has for the old healer. Exciting snippet for sure.

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  12. Great description! I can really sense his nerves and tension.

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    1. It's been foretold--so if you believe the sooths... ;-)

      Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  14. Wow, this feels like part of a really intense snippet. I always love the names you choose for your characters.

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    1. Thanks, Jess! Neat--about the names. Thanks for the smile!

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  15. Nicely done, Teresa. I like his worry. :)

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  16. Great setup.
    If readers learn the secret that no one remembers (from beyond the sacred veil), you've got a story.
    If we don't, you've got an even better story!

    Kudos!

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    1. Thanks, Chip. Interesting way to look at it! :-)

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  17. Teresa, I really loved this. And, I like the last two sentences as is...I say read it aloud, and see what sounds good.

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    1. Thanks, Millie. Good advice! :-) Thank you.

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  18. I love the prose in this, particularly the highly spiritual images suggested in the last sentence.

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  19. I could feel his anxiousness and reverence, great job!

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  20. Nice job capturing a new father's angst with the waiting. And the whole Sacred veil had me thinking, what is that about. I didn't expect it. So a bit of mystery here at the end of the snippet to make the reader keep reading. Well done, Teresa!

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