Welcome to my world and beyond...

A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: September 8. 2013

The Introduction...

Weekend Writing Warriors
      



Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in.

Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
 
Set up:  Marissa has spent the last year homeless and delusional. In this week's post, I've backed up to very early in the story. We're in a dream, or maybe it's reality? She's been abducted, but still hasn't figured that out. There's an injured man she's caring for as best she can, and predators are on the loose, attacking when it's time for a meal. There's a lull in the action, and she has a minute, finally, to look him over.


*note   You might encounter creative punctuation :-)



     He must have sensed her appraisal; as if on cue, he raised his head and opened his eyes. What an incredible shade of gold.
     Struggling to sit up gained him little more than wincing at the effort. He touched her arm, put his fingertips to his forehead and with a voice full of exhaustion, said, "Cuylrh."
     Had the end of his name been him trying to clear his throat, or was it the  actual pronunciation?  His dark eyebrows went up accentuating thick wrinkles between his eyes. He brought his fingertips, gentle as a feather, to her forehead then nodded at her.
     "Marissa" 




That's it. Now they know each other. Ha!

What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.  Thank you so much for visiting!

 

61 comments:

  1. A very sensual eight. This seems to lead to something big, and I wonder what her reaction will be. Nice 8!

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  2. If this isn't a dream, the poor girl's in a tough place. At least the man she saved seems friendly.

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    1. Thanks, Elaine. :-) She has some sorting out to do...

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  3. Had the end of his name been him trying to clear his throat, or was it the actual pronunciation? -- Made me smile. Love that!

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  4. Sensual scene with the touching. Lovely yet a bit frightening.
    One thing-you write golden eyes and then 'between them thick wrinkles' consider saying again 'thick wrinkles ran between his eyes because I thought at first there were wrinkles between the characters. Hmm. Maybe it's me.

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    1. Thanks, Charmaine! Good catch. I rewrote it. :-)

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  5. Someone else said "sensuous." I agree! Very nice.

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  6. This part of Marissa's life is so totally different than the homeless girl finding a safe place to live, given a Bible by her pastor.

    I might be seeing the scenes through my own filter, but it makes me very suspicious of the church folks now... and I wonder if she's been drugged, perhaps... inducing these dreams... or the altered reality?

    I'm very intrigued by your story line - thanks for a great snippet, Teresa!

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    1. I just visited your blog, Susan, and I understand your comment about seeing scenes through your own filter. :-)

      The two storylines here are different. Marissa is somewhat different too. She's changed after what she's experienced upon waking in the desert. She stands to lose a lot if she doesn't get it together. :-)

      Thanks for visiting and for your kind words. :-)

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  7. Beautiful descriptions! And u really got me deep into the point of view. I'm loving the build up of where this going!! Great mystery!

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  8. Finally we seem to be rejoining the earlier part of the story! This has so many twists and turns that I am totally enthralled and wanting more. Excellent excerpt!

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    1. It winds around, Veronica. I'm currently working with an editor who has never before laid eyes on any of it. Right now one of the things we're gauging is the confusion factor. :-)Thanks for visiting--and for your kind words. :-)

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  9. Great descriptions here- I enjoyed your use of the senses.
    ~Summer
    My Blog

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  10. This is lovely--a touching encounter and yes, sensuous! Only suggestion might be (and it may be appear this way in the actual manuscript) to put your internal thoughts on separate lines. They stand out more as internal dialogue. Make sense?

    Great eight, Teresa--I want more!!

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    1. Thanks, Nan! That's a tip I didn't know before today! :-)

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  11. Nicely crafted scene. I think it works wonderfully! =D

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  12. I love this line!-Had the end of his name been him trying to clear his throat, or was it the actual pronunciation?-it's fantastic!

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    1. :-) Thanks! It's how I imagine it pronounced. :-)

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  13. So touching. Great descriptions. I want to know more.

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    1. Music to a writer's ears, "I want to know more." Thanks, Karen. :-)

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  14. Oh very nice. Visually strong, and I get the feeling Cuylrh is grateful to her. :-)

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    1. Thanks, Marcia. It's a such a fine line between too much and too little. I'm so grateful to have this sounding board on wewriwa. :-)

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  15. I love the description. Very moving. Nicely done.

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    1. Me too ;-) Maybe he can be both?? :-) Thanks for visiting, Michelle! :-)

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  17. I really like this bit: "Had the end of his name been him trying to clear his throat, or was it the actual pronunciation?"

    Intriguing 8. I definitely want to see what happens between these two.

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    1. Thanks, Beth! Very encouraging words. :-)

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  18. Lovely scene. I wonder if it's real or a dream...and how these two will develop.

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    1. Thanks, Sarah :-) They have a long way to go to get to the end of her dreams.

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  19. Intimate and deeply described. I just love this!

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  20. Sweet snippet full of lovely little details!

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  21. I agree with the others: there's tension between the characters, a hint at something bigger even though the interaction is oh so simple. I think her naive and endearing curiosity has a lot to do with that feeling of attraction.

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    1. Thanks, Emilie. I'm so glad you picked up on her naivete, and her curiosity. :-)

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  22. Surprised his finger isn't shaking, but as it's a dream...

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    1. It could be. This isn't final, Sue Ann. :-) Thanks!

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  23. Love the way you put this together. Flows so well and feels so real.

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    1. Thanks, Eleri--coming from you, that is awesome! :-)

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  24. Ha loved this line "Had the end of his name been him trying to clear his throat, or was it the actual pronunciation?" Great 8!

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    1. It gives a sort of audible impression. :-) Thanks, Elyzabeth :-)

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  25. There's a lot to take in here. Great snippet.

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    1. Thanks, A.S. ! It's early in the story. Trying for not too much, but enough to hold the reader's' interest. :-)

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  26. incredible share of gold - very nice!

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  27. I'm glad he seems to be friendly and well-meaning so far. I love all the descriptions you used.

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    1. Thanks, Carrie-Anne. He's a gentle giant with a few issues.

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  28. Well, that was a beautiful scene to witness.

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  29. I love first meeting scenes. This one has a particularly dreamy feel.

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    1. Awe, thanks for saying so, Johanna! :-) And thanks for the visit! :-)

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  30. Ah! Dream not dream, dream not dream.... I can't imagine living like that. Sooo was she nuts, or not all along? You have me wondering for sure. Nice 8 Teresa!
    History Sleuth's Milk Carton Murders

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  31. If that's a dream that's a really strange one, it can't be.
    I like his name, very creative.

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