Welcome to my world and beyond...

A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: December 22, 2013

Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. The big day is almost here.  Merry Christmas, everyone!

Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.


The Snippet Sunday group can be found HERE


This is from a WIP, a fantasy story. Working title is: "Taydan: Child Denied"The ruler, Deamante, has just become a father. Crinda is the new mother's sister. There is tendion between them. Rella is the new mother. The unthinkable has happened--the child was born unacceptable.  The air is thick with tension as the moments following the birth tick by.


Creative punctuation at work to stay within wewriwa's guidelines. :-)

 


Thoughts as endless as the stars shining in the heavens raced through Deamante’s mind. They all came back to this one: all that had been beautiful and wonderful in his world had simply vanished when the savage breathed its first breath. He desperately wanted to wake up from what had to be a horrible dream, and discover that the babe’s blood really wasn't tainted and unacceptable. With a growing detachment, he glanced at the wiggling bundle of new life in his mate’s arms. How could this animal have been born of her body? An Albayne! Revulsed, he pictured the stinger that was surely on the tip of its tongue. His eyes rose to meet Rella’s, and coldness swept into his heart.


That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.  Thank you so much for visiting!






I hope your Christmas is happy, and that you share it with someone you love. <3

28 comments:

  1. I felt that Crinda didn't like Deamante, I guess she was right. I wonder how his feeling can shift so fast.

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    1. Pride drives Deamante. And pride is about to drive him to do something he'll regret as long as he lives.

      Thanks for visiting, Linda!

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  2. Oh crap. Sh-t's gonna hit the fan. You have me all stressed out now! I can't wait till you get this published!!!!

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    1. It is, Millie, in a terrible way. Thanks for visiting! :-)

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  3. Wow, an intense scene, the peek into his thought process was chilling but very well done...excellent excerpt. Poor baby!

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    1. Thanks, Veronica! Yep, poor little guy...

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  4. You're gingerbread house is so cute!

    I love the lyrical nature of this snippet. It's fluid and easy to read. The one thing, and this is really nitpicky, that gave me pause was the use of the revulsed. I'm not sure why, in my head the word sounded harsh and interrupted the cadence of your writing. Like I said, nitpicky.

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    1. Thanks, Jess! I usually end up going with classic colors--red, white and green. :-) This is part of a small village we'll drop off at the local hospice unit.

      I wasn't sure about that word. I actually went to the synonym site after starting out with disgusted. No doubt I'll change it. I trust your knee jerk reaction to it.

      Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  5. Ooh tense snippet! Enjoyed seeing inside Deamante's troubled mind.

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  6. What the heck?! Wow, stuff just got even more real. LOL. Great snippet, really felt the oozing tension. Oh man, what's he going to do about this baby?!

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    1. He's an angry person, and reacts accordingly. Thanks for visiting, Rose ;-)

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  7. Ohh noo, you just know something awful is coming, the only question is how awful! Great build-up of tension throughout these excerpts Teresa.

    I'm not too sure about "revulsed" either, just because the more common word is "repulsed." Since they're so close in spelling and meaning, just one is more common, it sort of looks like a typo.

    Don't know why people don't use "revulsed", seems like it ought to work. You don't usually see any other form of "revulsion" do you? *shrug* Still, really good excerpt!

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    1. Thinking it over. I trust your judgement. I used the synonym site. :-) Thanks for visiting and for your input, Marcia! :-)

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  8. Oh Teresa, you punched me in the gut with this snippet. An Albayne? You have the dearest smile on your pretty face and you write such scary stories! Happy Holidays, my friend. See you next week.

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    1. Didn't mean to punch you, Charmaine! Have a happy New Year! :-)

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  9. I'm so stressed about this situation. It doesn't look like it's going to end well, at all. A father who hates his child, a mother who loves it, an innocent babe...Great snippet!

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    1. Bad things ahead. Thanks for visiting, Elyzabeth! :-)

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  10. Given my background in genetics, I want to know what an Albayne is! A different species? Is he suspecting the baby's paternity?

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    1. Yes, and yes. Thanks for visiting, Sue Ann! :-)

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  11. What's an Albayne, and how does one occur? Double recessives?

    Deamante better not do what I think he's going to do.

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  12. Oh, here we go! He has to blame someone, and it sure isn't going to be himself!

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    1. Proud, smug, jerks are so much fun to write...especially at redemption time. ;-)

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  13. This is sooo good. Don't want to stop reading. Favorite part? "His eyes rose to meet Rella’s, and coldness swept into his heart."

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    1. Thanks, Eleri! :-) I am so encouraged. :-)

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  14. Pride yes, but the mention of the supposed stinger also indicates he is scared of the baby, how sad.

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