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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: December 8, 2013 An imperfect child.

Weekend Writing Warriors
Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. Happy 2nd Sunday in December. Time to bake the fruitcake ;-) If you weathered some nasty ice, sleet, snow and rain, hope you stayed warm and dry. In the eastern USA we're getting ready for another round of it all again.

Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.


The Snippet Sunday group can be found HERE


This is from a WIP, a fantasy story. Working title is: "Taydan: Child Denied"The ruler, Deamante, has just become a father after a long labor with lots of tension in the birthing room. Crinda is the new mother's sister. The unthinkable has happened--the child was born unacceptable.  The air is thick with tension as the moments following the birth tick by.
Creative punctuation at work to stay within wewriwa's guidelines. :-)
 

Several long steps back from the bed, the healer fidgeted. His voice sounded tiny and frightened when he asked, “Your instructions, my Lord?”



Deamante was mum in the deafening silence of failure.



Without hesitation, Crinda picked up the child and placed him in his mother’s arms. Then she touched his face while clucking soothingly to the boy.



The baby looked up, his pale blue eyes seeming to search the world around him, and finally locking onto the face of his mother—all that stood between him and what the world deemed his fate.

She pulled him close and nuzzled him the way only a mother can when her heart has steeled to protect the new life in her arms. Even the imperfect ones are children of their mothers.

That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.  Thank you so much for visiting!

41 comments:

  1. It's a shame that Deamante considers his child a failure. I wonder if he will change his mind in time? A great, and heartwrenching, eight.

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    1. It is the question of the book. This first chapter is the birth of the main character. And Deamante is thrown emotionally into such a dark void that it changes the course of his people's lives.

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  2. Heartwrenching 8! I do hope Deamante will come around.

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    1. :-) Kind of, 90,000 words later. :-) Thanks, Karen!

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  3. Beautiful, emotional, powerful. This is great stuff, Teresa.

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  4. The final line is a killer, Teresa. Tugged at this mother's heart.

    Consider this about the baby. You've given him a POV. Maybe: eyes squinted seeming to search. . .and locked onto the warmth from the mother.

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    1. Thanks, Charmaine, and good catch on the POV. I tweaked it a bit, but still mulling it over. Might need more work. :-)

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  5. Very emotional snippet. I'm worried for the baby. *bites nails.*

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    1. Bad times ahead for this baby. :-) Thanks, A.S.

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  6. aww heck, you keep upping the tension with these people! I keep telling people how great it is that they've been able to pack so much emotion and strong visuals into a short space, but it's true, and this is another fab example!

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  7. Such a powerful scene. You've done a marvelous job showing the emotion here. The last line is particularly poignant. Well done, Teresa! :)

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    1. Thanks, Evelyn. I hoped that line would resonate. I know several mothers who are facing it alone after having children with challenges. :-)

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  8. You had best let me know when this is coming out...I'll be first in line to pick up my copy! This is epic!

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    1. Oh my, my New Year's resolution is to publish one of my stories. I think th8is is the one. It needs the least work to get it up to snuff. Maybe by next Christmas. Thanks, Millie. You can't imagine how encouraging it is to read those words. :-)

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    2. I agree - and I guess Millie and I will be first and second in line. :)

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  9. Nice 8, Teresa! Your description of the baby finding his mother was touching and really well done! I'm in! Good job!!

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  10. I can see this child's whole future unfurling from this sad beginning and I'm highly intrigued. Powerful snippet, glad his mother is set to protect him.

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    1. Thanks, Veronica. She does what she can, which is very little. But Crinda steps up. :-)

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  11. Powerful snippet, but how about a hint on what makes the baby unacceptable?

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    1. A few hints coming. This is the opening chapter, Sue Ann. I'm trying to walk that thin line between making them wonder, and telling them too much. :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  12. Wow. I love this line -> Deamante was mum in the deafening silence of failure. The last line too. Very powerful snippet.

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    1. Thanks S.J. ! Sometimes silence can be the most deafening thing of all...

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  13. What a terrific line "Even the imperfect ones are children of their mothers", very emotional. My hopes are for the baby and that Deamante opens his heart.

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    1. Thanks, Chelle! :-) I hope that the reader is rooting for this child and sensing his perilous situation by now.

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  14. I am so curious as to what makes this baby unacceptable/imperfect, and I wonder what his fate will be. You hooked me!

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    1. Woot! You gave me a big smile, Cara. Thanks! :-)

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  15. One thing I noticed in this snippet is the mother is "the mother" and has no personality beyond wrapping up her child. Only her sister and the king have any real essence. If she's protective and is the king's woman, surely she'd have more of a role than "the mother". I think it would bring it more powerfully to the reader if the woman stood up to everyone in the room even after having given birth, and it would make the reader cheer for the child even more. Good snippet, Teresa. :)

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    1. I hear what you're saying, Siobhan. ~Sigh~ The limitations of short snippets. :-) The mother is about to exit the story, stage left. She is large in this first chapter, but that's it. She's mentioned several times through out the book, but it's in short flashbacks. And they are very limited. She is very young, and is for all intent and purposes, a victim of what has happened.

      Thanks for weighing in though. I do appreciate your suggestions,. In any other case, I'd no doubt be implementing changes to the snippet instead of responding why I'm not. :-)

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  16. Oh, at least the baby has his mother and the midwife on his side!

    The kings reaction (or non-reaction) is heartbreaking, Teresa---well-written, but heartbreaking . . .

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  17. Beautifully written! I hope the baby is going to be okay, and the mother is able to protect him! Great snippet. :)

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  18. Thanks, Karen :-) The baby has a long road before him... :-)

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  19. Deamante is a commanding character. It makes me anxious to see him challenged by deviations from the norm. Awesome writing, Teresa. :)

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  20. "Deamante was mum in the deafening silence of failure." This line and the last line are heartbreaking in their own ways and foresee a dark future for all involved in the birth. Great snippet, Teresa!

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  21. Deamante seemed so happy, he can't possibly be planning something bad, can he?

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    1. He was, Linda. Things change :-) Thanks for visiting.

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