For all of you who took the NaNoWriMo plunge--Here's a BIG "GREAT JOB!" Whether you finished or enjoyed the attempt,, you are amazing! :-)
Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
The Snippet Sunday group can be found HERE
This is from a WIP, a fantasy story. Working
title is: "Taydan: Child Denied"The
ruler, Deamante, has just become a father after a long labor with lots
of tension in the birthing room. Heavy foreshadowing of bad things to
come were in the last several snippets. The new father gets a good look at the son he has anticipated for months :-)
That's it. What jumps out at you, good
or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am
truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.
Thank you so much for visiting!
Vacillating between
instinctive tenderness, and his sense of urgency, Deamante took the child from
the healer. Were the old man’s hands
trembling? Well, who wouldn’t tremble holding a miracle so tiny, so new? A
random thought grasped him as he cuddled his son; were babies really made of
flesh and blood, or did life begin of fragile spun-glass and magic?
He moved the blanket
away from the tiny face to get a good look just as lightning splintered the wisdom
tree; wood exploded against pink stone walls, shattering the window.
In that flash of
brilliant light, he saw the face of a savage in his arms, lightning doubling
the effect of the pale skin, colorless hair, and blue eyes ringed in violet.
He couldn’t breathe—as
if the air had been sucked out of his lungs. The child fell out of his arms,
dropping onto the bed beside its mother.
ohh! Way to do shock! That first paragraph accentuates the reveal-- love that ending paragraph. Great job, Rees. :D
ReplyDeleteThanks, Marcia. It's a lot of work, setting up a scene for a shocker, but so neat when it lets loose. :-) Thanks for visiting! :-)
DeleteWhoa! There was a twist I wasn't expecting. You did a great job lulling me into thinking this was a nice, organic snippet about a miraculous moment. Excellent job! I can't wait to read what happens next.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess! Just the beginning... The next few snippets aren't for the faint of heart... :-)
DeleteAh crap!! This is not what daddy was hoping for...good thing he was standing over the bed. Poor baby!
ReplyDeleteYeah, poor little guy. He sure didn't have a say in his existence or his DNA. Thanks for visiting, Millie!
DeleteWow! That was unexpected. This doesn't bode well for their father/son bonding...
ReplyDeleteNope, doesn't bode well at all. Thanks for visiting, Denise!
DeleteDramatic indeed and as always I just fall in love with your use of words...but a sad moment as well...I'm hooked. Excellent excerpt!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica! Yep, sad moment. Life has lots of them, but it's especially stinging when it involves a newborn. :-)
DeleteOh my, great visual Teresa! I so saw that in my mind. The contrast of the great ruler afraid of an infant right at the end there, adds to the "Holy Crap!" factor. Great 8!
ReplyDeleteHistory Sleuth's Milk Carton Murders
Cool-- you get it! Thanks, Cindy! :-)
DeleteIncredible emotion in this! I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteWoot! Thanks, PT! :-)
DeletePerfect and perfectly dreadful for the baby to be a savage. Oh Teresa! I'm shattered just like Deamante.
ReplyDeleteThe writing - a 10
the despair-infinity
Awe, thanks, Charmaine! I have so many good mentors in the writing world--and that includes you, my friend. :-)
Deletefab scene - spun glass and magic - love it - and then he sees the baby's face.... well done indeed
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sue! Glad they resonated with you. :-)
Deleteoh yikes! What should have been a tender scene was turned on its head! That's crazy good Teresa!
ReplyDeleteYikes, indeed! lol. Thanks for visiting,Lauren. :-)
DeleteSounds like the baby might be an albino, but what is the significance of that in this culture?
ReplyDeleteSomething along that line, but not quite. What the reader hasn't grasped yet is that this isn't Earth where this is happening, and not necessarily present day. I'm not sure if either of those things matter in the larger picture, though. Thanks for visiting, Sue Ann. :-)
Deletecertainly grabbed my attention
ReplyDeleteThanks, K :-) I'm happy that it did.
DeleteWow---the title makes sense now! What a terrible (well-written) moment!
ReplyDeleteHa! Yes, it does. I hadn't thought about it not making sense up until this point. :-)
DeleteThat really gave me a shock. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Elaine! :-)
DeleteAt least the baby only fell onto a soft bed, not the floor! I love all the descriptive imagery you use to set the scene.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carrie-Anne! :-)
DeleteWhat a incredible scene! Fantastic imagery! You took something wonderful and turned into a terrible revealing moment. I didn't expect it to go there. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Karen. I tried to lay in enough foreshadowing without overdoing it, to let the reader know that trouble was ahead. I don't want to ambush them. :-)
DeleteThat's intense and unexpected. Great descriptions.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Skye! :-)
DeleteOh my goodness, what a shocker!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love how you can take a moment and just THROTTLE it leaving the reader reeling!! Awesome snippet!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sara! :-)
DeleteWow! Thank goodness the bed was there! Great description.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Karen! :-) Couldn't have him fall on the floor. He's the story ;-)
DeleteWhat a shocking turn of events. I must admit, DID he really see the face that way or was that some kind of premonition? A really gripping scene, very well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Chelle! :-) It is what he saw :-)
Delete