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This is from a WIP, a fantasy story. Working
title is: "Taydan: Child Denied"The
ruler, Deamante, has just become a father. The
unthinkable has happened--the child was born unacceptable. The air is
thick with tension as the moments following the birth tick by. The healer has just asked Deamante if we wants to do away with it. It being the newborn. To see a
compilation of snippets previously posted from this chapter, click HERE.
I apologize for going over 8. I wanted to (almost) complete the scene.
Remnants
of tears still glistened on Deamante’s face, but his voice was devoid of
emotion when he answered, “Yes.”
Rella
clutched the child against her and screamed,“No! You can’t! I don’t know why—I,
I don’t know what happened, but you can’t kill him!” She’d moved beyond
pleading; defiance burned in her eyes.
Time
felt suspended in the room that was now soundless except for splattering waves
of rain blowing against broken window shards. Standing in the
middle of shattered glass and shattered dreams, Deamante turned to look at her,
and with that same strange, controlled voice said, “Whore, you have betrayed me
and have no say in this.” Then he turned to the healer and said, “For now, leave
it be; it must be public. I’ll send someone to take care of it.” There was no
sign of anger, save for the clenched fists hanging at his sides.
That's it. What jumps out at you, good
or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am
truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.
Thank you so much for visiting!
Beautiful descriptions and raw emotion. Gripping, powerful stuff. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven ! :-)
DeleteIt used to be that I would be deeply effected by sadness in people's lives. Now I get excited when I see happy things, so now I can say that good jumps at me.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Munir :-) A good attitude!
DeleteExcellent snippet, so much emotion in so few words, I especially like this line, 'Standing in the middle of shattered glass and shattered dreams' brilliant!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gemma! Have you ever written something and then afterward, wondered from where it had come? :-)
DeleteWow, he is cold. At least there's time for someone to save the baby! Really an intense snippet...
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica! :-) Time...some. But it
Deletes slipping by in a hurry.
"Standing in the middle of shattered glass and shattered dreams."
ReplyDeleteNice line.
Great snippett.
Thanks, Chip! :-)
DeleteYou do such a beautiful job capturing intense emotions. This is a truly stunning snippet Teresa.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess! :-)
DeleteWhat intense emotions. Love this, even as dark and cold as it is...I can't wait to see what happens next.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sarah :-)
DeleteI wonder if he's blocking his feelings to do what he has to or if it will be easy to get rid of his son. tense 8
ReplyDeleteThanks, Michelle! :-)
DeleteSheesh, he's really been driven over the cliff by this. I wonder if Rella will try to smuggle the baby out somewhere safe, or stand up to him, or what? Am really curious where you're going with this.
ReplyDeleteThanks Marcia. I hope the reader is wondering by this point. I hope they're curious enough to keep reading. Not sure. This is the first chapter. Chapter two is nearly three decades later.
DeleteI just came in on the middle and I've already fall in love. The emotions are so raw and beautiful. I can't wait to see more next week.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Deven! You made me smile :-)
DeleteYou've painted a terrifying, emotionally heavy scene. I hope someone's able to save the baby.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to hear the readers connecting with the story via short snippets. :-) Thanks, Carrie-Anne! :-)
DeleteA child born unacceptable. Then you paint details of a setting amongst shattered glass and other things. It has made me want to read what came before and what comes next. Well played snippet.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Pete! :-)
DeleteThis is such a heartbreaking scene. Really enjoying this story, Teresa.
ReplyDeleteWoot! I'm so happy you're enjoying it. :-)Thanks, Eleri :-)
DeleteComplete wreckage is what you've painted so well in this scene. I'm in the room, ice cold with shattered dreams and nothing good ahead. Save me, Teresa.
ReplyDeleteComplete? That is downright wonderful! Thanks Charmaine!
DeleteOh! I believe her!! Don't do it, Deamante!! But of course, what else is he supposed to think?! Great work, Teresa.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rose! Lol--I like your comment! :-)
DeleteOh my. This is very powerful and well written. Wonderful snippet!
ReplyDeleteThanks, A.S. :-)
DeleteI'd still like to know the genetics of the condition. Deamante is automatically assuming a dominant, in which case he could not be the father. But most genetic conditions just don't work that way. Emotionally, he's not going to blame himself, though it's far more likely that both parents share a suite of recessives.
ReplyDeleteIt looks bad for Rella, but in this case, it is a recessive.
DeleteThanks for visiting, Sue Ann. :-)
The first thing I thought of was, "Move, woman! the minute he's gone, run!"
ReplyDeleteBut she's just given birth---how can she escape with her baby?
Yes, there are some very practical limitations to her ability to flee. Thanks for visiting. :-)
DeleteI'm guessing Deamante has shifted into shock mode and is getting to be pretty numb emotionally. He really shouldn't be making any decisions right now. The women won't let him kill the child though. I'm sure of it. And I'm wondering if Rella will offer her own life to save her son. Powerful eight, Teresa!
ReplyDeleteWow, you are a mind reader, Kate! Yeah, the women do what they must to save the baby. Next week and the week after. :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)
Deleteso the child will live but I doubt the father will allow him to have a good life...
ReplyDeleteYou are perceptive! Thank you for visiting :-)
DeleteSuch emotion! And such a heart-wrenching choice, but to blame his wife is dreadful. Run Rella run!
ReplyDeleteDreadful, indeed. This is a sad beginning for Tayden's life. Thanks for visiting, Elaine :-)
DeleteMy heart is braking for his loss for to turn one's heart to stone against a newborn is a loss - his son is born and he turns away, how sad. I am glad the mother stood up to him and hope she will find a way to save the child and herself.
ReplyDeleteThe opening chapter is an emotional rollercoaster. The reader doesn't know what happened to Rella until a few chapters into the book. Tayden (the baby), on the other hand, is the story. But his life is hell. Thanks for visiting, Chelle!
DeletePowerful stuff. Well done and very captivating.
ReplyDeleteThanks, A.S. !
ReplyDelete