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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Weekend Writing Warriors: February 23, 2014

Weekend Writing Warriors

Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns, and anyone else who wanders in.

Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.

Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE 


This is from a WIP, a fantasy story. Working title is: "Taydan: Child Denied"The ruler, Deamante, has just become a father.  The unthinkable has happened--the child was born unacceptable, and Deamante believes this is because the new mother, his mate Rella, cheated on him. The healer asked Deamante if he wants to do away with it. "It" being the newborn. He said yes, but wants to wait to make it public.  He left, along with the healer and the aides, leaving the two women alone in the birth  room. Crinda, Rella's sister, just told Rella that they have to go (to safety NOW). Rella is in denial that her mate will harm her, but accepts that he would kill the newborn. This is now in Crinda's POV.  To see a compilation of snippets previously posted from this chapter, click HERE. 

Creative punctuation warning. 

One more week after today, and the first chapter is finished. Thank you all so much for reading  it and sharing ideas and encouragement. :-) 






It took all the will that Crinda could muster to let go of Rella and focus on the urgency of the situation.

Rella's long lashes glinted wet from the tears she tried to blink back. "Please take care of him, and keep him away from his father." She kissed his pale-pink, baby cheek and said, "I love you Tayden." 

Crinda took The baby out of his mother's arms and said, “I have to go; Deamante's henchman will be here any minute.”  Wrapping him in folds of her shawl, she turned away from the bed, away from the look on Rella’s face—a jumbled mixture of determination, resignation, and loss. Crinda couldn't afford any distraction; her sole purpose now was saving her tiny nephew. Willing away fear and grief, she grasped at stoicism, the best she could hope for; she’d need it to walk away from her little sister, sure she’d never see her again.




That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad, I'd love to hear. And I'm truly grateful for every bit of criticism; I do learn from it. Have a great week, everyone, and if you are in colder climes, stay warm. :-)

55 comments:

  1. Whoops! Not the most promising start in life :) Great sense of threat and urgency here.

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    1. Thanks, Ian. That's great to read, you having come in cold to read this snippet! :-)

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  2. I like the line "grasped at stoicism". You get the feeling it might slip through her fingers. Uncertainty abounds at that point.

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    1. Yes, exactly as intended! Thanks, Pete! :-)

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  3. You do a nice job of capturing the tangle of emotions in this scene. Nice work, Teresa!

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  4. Love the detail of the tear soaked eyelashes. I imagine this has been a tough chapter to write, it's so emotional, but you've done an excellent job. Every snippet has been very compelling.

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    1. Thanks, Jess. Now I'm not sure if that's a POV break away from Crinda? That she "tried" to blink them back. Could Crinda have seen that Rella was "trying" to blink them back??

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    1. I'm glad the reader gets that. Thanks, Karen! :-)

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  6. Poignant scene. With every word, you've captured this reader who has experienced so much loss in real life. We move on as Crinda does in this remarkable story of power, revenge, love and loss.
    Thank you, Teresa.

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    1. Thank you, Charmaine. I'd not given thought to how much more deeply this affects some people. Hope you have a good week. :-)

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  7. Tangled emotions, a very real threat from a disgruntled father, allegations and recriminations...this kid has a lot stacked against them right from the start. Should be an interesting life, if they survive long enough to grow up...

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    1. Thanks, Garrison! I hope his life is interesting to the readers. :-)

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  8. great descriptions- really pulled me into the story and such a sad moment.

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    1. It is. Thanks for visiting, Decadent :-)

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  9. Still so sad for Crinda...and oddly for Deamante too, even those he's made such a horrible, tragic decision.

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    1. :-) Smiling! I'd hoped that readers would empathize with Deamante at least a small bit, even while deciding they don't like him, if you know what I mean. Thanks, Eleri. :-)

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  10. Crinda and Rella's relationship shows beautifully as well as realistic in this snippet. Such a tough situation and it's painful for Crinda, but she has to go on. Great snippet, and you handled the creative punctuation well!

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    1. Haha! I'm getting to be an expert on creative punctuation. ;-) Thanks for all the kind words, Frank!

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  11. So sad! I feel for Rella and a mother's pain and for Crinda for the loss of her sister. So much happening in just eight sentences ~ great snippet!

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    1. Thanks, Cynthia. Yep, there's a lot going on right now. :-)

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  12. You really brought the sense of tension and danger to life. I hope Crinda can find a wetnurse for the baby if she gets him to safety.

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    1. You raise a good concern about the wet nurse. I'll be gauging reactions when I do a chapter shift. Thanks for giving it a read, Carrie-Anne. :-)

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  13. Such a heart rending situation. I have to agree with Crinda that the baby needs to be the focus here but a very wrenching parting from her sister. Excellent excerpt.

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  14. Excellent snippet. Very emotional. I don't think you broke POV with the tears. Think about it a minute. You can usually tell when some one is about to cry and is holding it back, the tears forming. The description adds to the emotional upheaval Crinda sees in her sister. It's all good. :)

    The Murders of Polly Frisch

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    1. Whew! Thanks, Cindy. POV is my Achilles heel. :-)

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  15. Very sad. You portrayed it well. Will mother and child ever be reuinited?
    I wonder if I can post on WWW for the Bench... would be tricky - what do you think?

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    1. I am so glad to read that question. I'd hoped that readers would wonder that... It's hard to write tough stuff--to send someone to their death, especially when it's so unfair. But I'm a firm believer that stories where there is serious heartache, there is the biggest impact to the reader.

      I sent you an email about your book. We'd love to have you share some sentences with us. :-)

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  16. Powerful and emotive snippet, you painted a vivid scene of turmoil, excellent!

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  17. I'm really afraid for Rella right now . . . I don't think she has any idea of the danger she's in from her husband...

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    1. No, and she'll pay dearly for that. Thanks for visiting, Sarah :-)

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  18. What a terrible decision Crinda has to make, to save her little nephew or try to save her beloved little sister. How sad. She tried to save both but Rella wouldn't budge and Crinda is left doing the only thing she can. Very tense and emotional. Very good 8.

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    1. Thanks, Chelle! Crinda plays a large role in Tayden's life. :-)

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  19. aww man, we are all sobbing now, you know! This story has so much promise. Sure hope we get more from this one. I'm wondering if that boy will grow up to hate his father and do something awful ... though it'd be understandable.

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    1. Oh, definitely awful things ahead... Tayden is, in spite of his rejection and loss, a beautiful person/creature. He's at odds with the part of him that is a savage.

      Thanks for visiting, Marcia! :-)

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  20. I can really feel the emotion in this scene. Great job.

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  21. So heart-wrenching! I'm really curious about what's wrong with the baby, since there's so little description.

    You have an accidental capital in "Crinda took The baby," I think.

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    1. Thanks for the catch, Caitlin! :-) And thanks for visiting.

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  22. I'm glad Crinda is taking the baby and getting the heck outta there. One word pulled me out of the story...henchmen. If he's the village ruler, wouldn't they be his guards? Henchmen seems a little over the top to me. Calling them Deamante's men is a bit more subtle, and we all know what they'll be there for. That's just my humble little opinion. I wish she could get her sister to listen to reason, but alas...

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    1. Thanks for the advice, Millie. Will take it into consideration, possibly remove it. He's the "henchman" later in the story and I was trying to draw a correlation. But perhaps this isn't the place to do it. :-)

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  23. Wonderful expression of emotions. I was right there with a lump in my throat. Well done!

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  24. I feel that they will need again, somehow.

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  25. Nice building of the tension up to the last line. Very emotional scene. Great job!

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