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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Weekend Writing Warriors: February 9, 2014



 


Weekend Writing Warriors

Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns, and anyone else who wanders in.

The week of sweethearts. I was going to shift to another part of the book so I could quote from a sweet scene, but was afraid I might disappoint you guys. So from last week.
 
Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
 
This is from a WIP, a fantasy story. Working title is: "Taydan: Child Denied"The ruler, Deamante, has just become a father.  The unthinkable has happened--the child was born unacceptable, and Deamante believes this is because the new mother, his mate Rella, cheated on him. The healer asked Deamante if he wants to do away with it. "It" being the newborn. He said yes, but wants to wait to make it public.  He left, along with the healer and the aides, leaving the two women alone in the birth  room. Crinda is Rella's sister. Crinda just told Rella that they have to go (to safety). Now.  Rella speaks first. This is now in Crinda's POV.  To see a compilation of snippets previously posted from this chapter, click HERE. 


"Rella shook her head while she said, “He won’t hurt me, Crinda. He loves me, but the baby isn’t safe.”



She didn't know how to get through to her sister. The cold bastard wasn't going to limit his execution to just the child; he was going to kill Rella too. There  were precious few moments to make an escape. Still, she had to try to make Rella understand a grave truth of life; when people kill for the sake of love, sometimes it's the very person they love who ends up dead. With only inches separating their faces, Crinda insisted, “He will do more than hurt you, Rella.  You have to leave now.”

That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad, I'd love to hear. And I'm truly grateful for every bit of criticism; I do learn from it. Have a great week, everyone, and if you are in colder climes, stay warm. :-)



40 comments:

  1. Oh boy, Crinda is so right!

    In my humble opinion, the phrase much worse than hurt you sounds clumsy to me...I want her to be more forceful, more direct.

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    1. Taken under advisement--and acted upon. :-) Thanks, Millie! :-)

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  2. She has to leave definitely and protect her baby but I wonder if she isn't right about him not hurting her.

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    1. It is rather up in the air right now, but with his state of mind, and he's not likely to cool down anytime soon... I'd run. :-) Thanks for visiting, Linda :-)

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  3. Man, what a harsh situation, with some great dramatic potential. Nicely done, Teresa!

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    1. Thanks, Steven. It is harsh. And it happened so fast, it's shocking to everyone involved. ;-)

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  4. Fraught with tension! I agree with Millie about that last sentence. I would say maybe "He will do much worse than just hurt you..." Or? Can't wait to read what happens next! :)

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    1. Debbie, that was an excellent suggestion for the rewording! Thanks :-)

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  5. Crindas got quite a job there convincing Rella, let's hope she listens.

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    1. Yep. She has her hands full. Thanks, Gemma!

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  6. I agree with Millie, and also, I think you could drop "from side to side" where you say Rella shook her head. I'm sure most people would picture that the way you describe without the need for quite so much detail.

    But that's nitpicky. You've got continuing tension here, and even fear building. Poor Rella is in denial, Crinda's trying not to be mean to her sister who's just been through a terrible shock, how are we going to get the baby and Rella out without being caught?? You must know we think about this story during the week :)

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    1. Good catch, Marcia. Overwriting is my oft-committed writing sin. :-) Thank you :-)

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  7. Run like hell is chasing you. That's what it's all about and where oh where can she go with this unacceptable newborn. What happens next, fearless leader?

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    1. :-) It could go a couple of different ways, but young love is setting the wheels in motion that will cause a sadness to haunt a lifetime. :-) Thanks for visiting, Charmaine. I appreciate your encouragement. :-)

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  8. I wouldn't take any chances, if he's this angry about the alleged infidelity. She can't know for sure he won't hurt her too.

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    1. Oy--it's like watching one of those scary movies. You know what's going to happen, but the characters refuse to listen to you. :-) Thanks for visiting, Carrie-Anne :-)

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  9. Again, very powerful. I feel for both of these women.

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  10. Of course she's in danger, if he thinks she's been unfaithful. Too bad they don't have DNA testing. I'll bet it's a recessive they're both carrying.

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    1. It is a recessive gene issue, Sue Ann. :-)

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  11. Listen to your sister Rella! Every time you post a snippet from this I'm so frustrated that I can't keep reading to find out what happens!

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    1. Thanks, Eleri! It's presented as a first chapter, but it might work better as a prologue. The story picks up 20 years later.

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  12. Loved these 8, Teresa.

    I agree with the last sentence being a bit awkward.

    I'm intrigued and must go read the compilation of snippets.

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    1. Thanks, Keira. I did a bit rewriting on that last one. :-)

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  13. I'm with Crinda, Rella is kidding herself and in grave danger. This story is so powerful, can't wait for more! Excellent excerpt...

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  14. I keep hoping that Deamante will show some softness but I think Crinda might be right. I hope Rella listens to her.

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    1. Yep. Crinda is a soothsayer. She's right about a lot of things. Thanks for visiting, Chelle. ;-)

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    1. :-) Oh, if it were only that easy. But fast enough and far enough aren't in the cards. Thanks for visiting, Elaine. :-)

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  16. Poor Rella, blinded by love, so she doesn't see the danger! Nicely believable.

    His jumping to 'you cheated!' immediately makes me think he might hurt Rella--after all, she betrayed him. o.O

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  17. Yep, she's young and easily fooled into believing that love will keep her safe. Thanks for visiting, Caitlin. :-)

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  18. I do hope she can convince her to leave with the baby. :)

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    1. I'm glad this is pulling in the readers! Thanks, Karen :-)

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  19. Hi there - is that spam I see?

    Both of those sisters are very stubborn. I hope they manage to escape I agree he will kill her - great line about those that are loved end up dead

    by the way, do you do book reviews? or do you know anyone who does? If you can message me that would be great

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    1. Yep, it was spam...and now gone. :-) I don't like asking readers to use the captcha-codes.

      Thanks for the read, and your encouraging words. :-)

      I left a message on your blog about reviews. :-)

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  20. Eep!! Get out of there!! Such tension. Great job!!

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