Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns, and anyone else who wanders in.
Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
Tayden is an "albayne"--a race distinguished from Jumans by appearance. The morning after. They've survived, and are ready to start walking to the dock, to the boat that will take them upriver into the Firce Mountains. Creative punctuation in use.
Rise-and-shine came early for them, just before dawn, and before curious eyes attached to wagging tongues would be snooping about. Standing in the small kitchen, Kad gave Tayden a once over before they headed out the door. He pulled the albayne's hood forward, deepening the shadow hiding his face. "There we are, my friend. It'd do none of us good to have someone see a row of scales where they're expecting to see hairy eyebrows, right?"
Drave's face remained impassive, but his voice was smiling when he chimed in, "Scales... and those crazy eyes of yours-- Mr. Night Vision with the vertical pupils."
Kad winked at Tayden. "With brushrows for eyebrows like Drave's, how could he be jealous of your scales--but it sure sounds like he is."
That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad? I'd love to hear it. Thank you so, so much for reading this.
LOL--Teresa you've got these personalities nailed! I really enjoy your characters, they're vibrant and real.
ReplyDeleteMy only nitpick is that you have morning coming before dawn. I know, early draft of the story :) I do funny stuff too!
Oh! I took the 'rise-and-shine' not as when the sun rose but as a descriptor for when they were up and ready to move.
DeleteYeah...I'm still tweaking that line! Karysa, that is how I meant it. I started out with "Morning came early"...meaning exactly as I mean "rise and shine". Not actual morning (dawn) but a reference to the beginning of their day. I didn't want to write, "They woke up" ;-) Choices...choices... :-)
DeleteLove the little hints of his appearance - just enough to tell us what we need to know worked naturally into the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Botanist. Every now and again I get it right--the blind pig and the acorn kind of thing. ;-) Thanks for visiting.
DeleteVery descriptive and entertaining snippet!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gemma... :-)
DeleteLove this...makes me think of E.T. A bit : ). Last paragraph, first line...I'd red pencil past the comma, and then attach that first bit to the next sentence. You don't need to tell us what he's doing, you just showed us in a delightful way : )
ReplyDeleteOh...must I kill the darling??? :-) Referring to Stephen King "On Writing" :-) Thanks for the crit, Millie!
DeleteThat. Is. AWESOME, Teresa!
ReplyDeleteYou've just changed my entire visual of Tayden---though not my protective feelings about him. Clerly his friends think the same. :)
This is just so good!
Whew! That's so good to read, Sarah. He has to be incredibly different, but I don't want the reader to not like him because of his looks. Thanks!
DeleteI really enjoyed the way you worked in the description of Tayden, giving us some of their personalities as well. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Alexis! :-)
DeleteGood to have the description. But the earlier bits suggested that he's at least half Juman. (I still suspect a rare recessive carried by both parents)
ReplyDeleteYes. You are correct, Sue Ann. :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)
DeleteLove the start of the paragraph, the description of how early it is. Very visual and captivating. Great exchange between the friends. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tina. :-)
DeleteI had trouble deciding on my favorite line. I liked this one a lot, "He pulled the albayne's hood forward, deepening the shadow hiding his face." It sounds nice and mysterious, and gives the reader a great picture of the characters :) That's really important when the setting takes place in another world. The reader only knows what you tell them about it. I also liked this line a lot, "Drave's face remained impassive, but his voice was smiling when he chimed in, "Scales... and those crazy eyes of yours-- Mr. Night Vision with the vertical pupils." It explains their relationship, which appears to be friendly and jocular. It's cute :3
ReplyDeleteI haven't read the other snippets, but it seems like the albaynes are in conflict with the Jumans. Tayden seems like a nice guy (do they have male and female genders?) but the Jumans don't like the albaynes for some reason. My guess would be a war?
I'm ambivalent about this phrase, "Rise-and-shine came early for them. . ." 'Rise-and-shine' is a colloquial phrase used in English. Your story is fantasy and set in another world, so that phrase kind of pulled me out of the story a bit. I think that is what bothered me about it. It's fine grammatically, but I think it pulls me out of the story? I don't know, what do you think?
Thanks for your wonderful and thoughtful comment, TPB. I'm still weighing the "rise and shine". I think it will most depend on my target audience--scifi or romance. At this point, it might be a hard call. But I've left it highlighted in my WIP, so I can rethink it when I'm not so immersed in this scene. I'll do a more of a shoot from the hip type decision. :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)
DeleteVery descriptive writing, projecting the characters off the page and into my imagination. Well done!
ReplyDeleteGREAT words to read. Thanks, Gem!
DeleteLove these characters! The exchange between them gives a glimpse into their unique appearances and personalities. Love this line: "curious eyes attached to wagging tongues would be awake and snooping about." Great snippet :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Victoria! I'm still tweaking that sentence too. I'm really glad you like it. :-)
DeleteFascinating, Teresa. Brushrows or scales? I think I'd choose scales. Sexier. ;-)
ReplyDeleteBrushrows are a bit of a turnoff, huh? ;-) Thanks for visiting, Karysa. :-)
DeleteHe's the son, the baby born and the father rejected him from the early part of the story. Am I correct? The father claimed the mother must have slept with another to have created this inhuman infant. We agonized over this. Scales? Hmm. I'm on the fence about such a deformity. But the friendship and love is beautifully conceived in your writing.
ReplyDeleteYes. He's the baby. That part isn't meant to be a mystery. Although, Tayden doesn't know, but the reader does. The mystery is of what happened to his mother, Rella. Thanks for visiting, Charmaine. <3
DeleteLovely description! And great character development as well. I love the chemistry between the three.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jenna :-) !
DeleteI really like the line ""There we are, my friend. It'd do none of us good to have someone see a row of scales where they're expecting to see hairy eyebrows, right?"" It says so much not just about his appearance, but also about the protectiveness of his friend. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Chelle! :-)
DeleteI really liked your snippet. Your dialogue sounded interesting, and I liked the action of snooping. Snooping can help solve mysteries or get characters into trouble. I'm looking forward to your next installment.
ReplyDeleteKeep smiling,
Yawatta
Thanks, yhosby! I hope this week is bring you smiles. :-)
DeleteLove how you worked his description into their interaction. This only makes me like Tayden more.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Eleri! :-) I am so glad. I was worried about the scales, if the reader would have trouble empathizing with him.
DeleteLoved the description and great character development.
ReplyDeleteThank you for visiting and for your kind words, EAW! :-)
Delete