Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns, and anyone else who wanders in If you live in the USA, I hope you're having a good holiday weekend. Mine involved hot dogs over a wood fire, s'mores,
Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
The morning after--picking up from where last week ended. They've survived, and are ready to start walking to the dock, to the boat that will take them upriver into the Firce Mountains. Creative punctuation in use.
Putting an end to their friendly jibes, the woman of the house shoved a sack in each of their directions. Unlike most things from
the Dominion, Dom-Cen coins were much desired among off-worlders; they'd
paid not only for a roof over their heads for the night, but for the breakfast and lunch each sack contained. It had been an easy purchase; no doubt these friends of Fode wanted nothing more than to be rid of the hooded man hiding in their home. And eating breakfast along the way helped move him along--and took the threat with him.
The coins jingled in the woman's apron pocket as she waddled away, vanishing into the unlit house that was silent but for creaking floorboards.
The coins jingled in the woman's apron pocket as she waddled away, vanishing into the unlit house that was silent but for creaking floorboards.
When they stepped outside, Kad shivered--as much from a sense of unease as from the cold. He looked at the black velvet sky pinpricked with starlight. In the darkness of the off-world predawn, once again the
weight of the journey settled on him, on all three of them.
With hearts heavier than just yesterday, they started for the boat.
With hearts heavier than just yesterday, they started for the boat.
That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad? I'd love to hear it. Thank you so, so much for reading this.
I love all the little details you weaved in effortlessly, like the way she walked, the coins jangling, and the floorboards creaking under her feet :D The reader can glean from that first paragraph that the woman is older and has probably lived in the same house her whole life. At least that is what I got from it. I hope I'm right XD Those little details can be hard to write. I tend to gloss over any minor character, but I'm trying to pay more attention to them.
ReplyDeleteI liked the last paragraph a lot because it sets the mood, somber and dark. And the dark night is a parallel for the the way they feel and the next part of their journey. It adds another layer to the scene. Also, I love landscape descriptions :D
I think the way pitch is used here isn't right? By itself pitch is a viscoelastic substance and dark black. It's often synonymous with tar, rosin, asphalt. To say the night is little more than pitch is like saying the night is little more than asphalt (or tar or rosin). One way to reword it, "They stepped out of the house, the night nearly dark as pitch, illuminated by starlight." Although then the next sentence has darkness in it. So perhaps, "They stepped out of the house, the night nearly black as pitch, illuminated by starlight." I think it's an awesome sentence. I love landscape descriptions. I just got a bit hung-up on the pitch part :$
Looking forward to what happens next ^^
Excellent crit, Paper Butterfly! I will be rewording it top of the morning, 2:00 AM here. Time for some sleep. Thank you much! :-)
ReplyDeleteInteresting excerpt Teresa, except I also found the word "pitch" on its own a bit awkward. I would change this line: "It had paid not only for a roof over their heads for the night, but for a breakfast and lunch for each of them as well." ("For" and "a" were used twice each and "for each of them" seems superfluous. ) Something like: "It had paid not only for a roof over their heads overnight, but for breakfast and lunch as well. Just my opinion. ☺ Love the image of the woman waddling away, coins jingling.
ReplyDelete:-) I was editing while you commented. Some weeks, my snippet looks almost like a different snippet than the one I posted on Saturday night. I think this is one of those weeks. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your great suggestions, Debbie. Noted and much appreciated :-)
Really liked the sentence about stepping outside and looking at the starlight. I think what I liked about it is that it showed the character: they're starting out, it's a fresh day, the world is massive and dark and beautiful... I've stepped outside in the early morning and looked up at the sky before heading off, so I know the feeling. I think the other lines could be just as strong if they "showed" us a character's thoughts through their actions in this same way. The woman could let us know how valued those particular coins are by coveting them, grasping, biting them to check for counterfeits, asking the protagonists how they came by the rare coinage, etc.
ReplyDeleteAll in all, liking where this is going. I always love a journey story (reading the Hobbit to my wife's bump at the moment... Gotta start on the classics young!). Keep up the good writing! :)
Thanks for your comments, D.R. I'm not sure about changing the coin description. There is an inherent problem with an 8 sentence limitation :-) With the "coins" I'm drawing a comparison to American greenbacks--and how the world-over, historically they've more often than not been accepted as a sure payment. :-) It's difficult to show that in such a short piece, and I try to feed information in tiny portions. It's just my writing voice, I guess. I do so appreciate your comments, though. I think I've changed this snippet 6 times since I posted it--and that was with consideration to your comments as well. :-) Thanks again. :-)
DeleteAgree with drsylverster. Reminds me of something Mark Twain said.
ReplyDeleteAlso, as you know, I'm not a big fan of "ing" words.
Thanks, Chip. :-) I do consider the advice of every comment I get. :-)
DeleteI like the dark and ominous start to the journey. I'll put a slightly different thought out from what drsylvester said. I have no problems with telling rather than feeling you have to "show" everything if it keeps the story moving. However I think a bit more internal sensation might help here. I remember how setting off in the small hours darkness feels - cold and empty inside. The body is at a low ebb no matter how alert and awake you might be.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ian. I did a bit of rewriting with your comment in mind. Thank you so very much for your crit. :-)
DeleteI loved all the details and the overall ominous tone. I can't wait to get on the river.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Alexis. :-)
DeleteNot much more I can add to what previous commenters have said. I love the ominous tone before the start of a new adventure. Great snippet, Teresa!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Elyzabeth! :-)
DeleteDark and somber scene and I love the way you painted it with your words. Wonderful visual!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Karen! :-)
DeleteExcellent snippet Teresa, you painted a tense scene with some excellent visuals! Your writing flows beautifully.
ReplyDeleteAwe, thanks. Gemma! :-)
DeleteI always love the details, like her apron. The foreboding is so heavy here, can't wait to find out more about what your hero is up to. Must be high stakes indeed!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica! :-)
DeleteI wonder what makes them feel more worried than yesterday.
ReplyDeleteThe dread as the reality of why they're here is approaching. Thanks for visiting, Sue Ann.
DeleteThe comment's expressed it all and then some. All I can say is YUM to atmosphere covered so perfectly, I got trapped in the creaking house and followed the hooded figure into the darkness.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charmaine! :-)
DeletePinpricked with starlight. Such a strong expression, yet not unrealistic.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Munir! Nice to see you. :-)
DeleteNicely detailed. Lovely writing.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Cara. :-)
DeleteYour description is wonderful from the creaking floor board to the star-studded sky. The darkness parallels the heaviness of their hearts. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Elaine! :-)
DeleteI love this excerpt. Gripping, epic in scope and breadth. Terrific stuff!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven. :-)
DeleteI feel the weight of their quest, and I don't know what it is, yet. You've built quite a sense of danger, here!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sarah! :-)
DeleteOMINOUS, that's the word that came to my mind. Their quest is before them and so is danger. Fantastic snippet!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gem! :-)
DeleteWonderful description and I love how you foreshadow the danger they are about to meet. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tina :-)
DeleteYikes, you have my heart pounding. I don't want them to be in danger...wait, yes I do...I want that tension. But not really. Ah! You have drawn me in, and it kills me to wait week to week!
ReplyDeleteSorry no one would sing with you...tell 'em to get with the program!
Delete:-) Thanks, Millie. lol
DeleteI might do some skipping ahead. :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)
DeleteI like the image of the woman shoving them on their way like they're a hot potato. The tone and pace is wonderful. Matches their heavy hearts.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Eleri! :-)
DeleteMy mind immediately wonders about the woman hurrying back into the house. Will she betray them? Is she a threat - maybe that's part of the trepidation Kad feels. These 8 really made me feel a part of their journey.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Amy!
DeleteI don't think you need the word "just" in the last sentence, but I can feel the weight of the change they're facing. Good snippet, Teresa.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Siobhan. "Just" my Achilles heel showing. :-)
DeleteThere's such weight to your writing, such an epic sense of tragedy. This is beautiful, haunting stuff, Teresa.
ReplyDelete"He looked at the black velvet sky pinpricked with starlight. In the darkness of the off-world predawn, once again the weight of the journey settled on him, on all three of them.
With hearts heavier than just yesterday, they started for the boat."
MAN! That's good stuff!
Coming from the master of descriptions...that is quite the pat on my back. Thanks, Steven! :-)
Delete