Welcome to my world and beyond...

A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Weekend Writing Warriors February 14, 2016

 
Hello all. Dang, it's cold here! Hope if you're in this bitter arctic air, that you're staying warm.  Punxsatawney Phil is a liar. :-)   
Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop.  Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 to 10 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, on their own blog to go live between noon, Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good. 
              Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE



I'm excerpting from  my 2014 Nano WIP, Scifi/Dystopian. Working title: Dai Klavven. This is a major gutting and rewrite--now at 40K. Shooting for 80K. I know where the story is going. Finding time to write is a challenge.

Setup:  After an explosion, and a wall collapsed on her comrades, the MC is the last survivor in a group protecting a hidden bunker full of children and two old women. In desperation she lobs a grenade at the advancing enemy (aliens), then runs, leading them away from the bunker. They are in pursuit.  She's been joined by her dog, Jobe (Jobo) and they've now reached her street. The last line was:  "One street over and she’d be in what was left of her home, of her whole world. "


Jobo stayed beside her, mere inches separating them. She turned the corner at the end of her street and dared a glance over her shoulder. Nothing. She knew better. No one had said it, but she guessed that these aliens had better noses than Jobe did. She might not see them, but they were on her trail.

The splintered and broken walls of her house sagged where the collapsed roof pushed at odd angles against them. Crouching, she worked her way into what was left of the utility room, quietly coaxing the dog to stay close.  The ironing board pressed against the front of the washer, its long metal legs bent every which way, forcing her to squeeze past it.  Panic simmered just under the surface now that she was this close to her hiding spot.
    

That's it. Maybe they'll stay undetected...maybe they won't. Thank you for reading it. I learn from your feedback--and I'm so grateful for any insight you share. Have a great week!

46 comments:

  1. What utter devastation!
    I really like how you have sustained the pace and tension through all the pieces of this story, Teresa.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh wow, this is so tense. I was worrying as she was running, worried that she wold lose the dog, worried at what she would see in her home, and now scared that she's just leading into an inescapable corner... Kim is right, you have managed to keep he tension going. Great job.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Chelle! A couple more weeks and then we'll know.

      Delete
  3. The visual of what is left of her home is so clear in my mind, and I can feel her anxiety. Makes me want to know more.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm biting my nails here, Teresa! The few remains of her house, aliens sniffing her out, and her hide out just inches away. I hope she makes it and nothing happens to either her or the dog. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :-) Nail-biting tension is good. :-) Thanks, Elyzabeth!

      Delete
  5. That's always the way of it: danger seems greatest when you're closest to safety (or perceived safety). Great suspense you've got going here Teresa!

    ReplyDelete
  6. The little details - like the ironing board - make it so real. Great job.
    Tweeted.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Victoria! And thanks for the tweet. :-)

      Delete
  7. A great piece. The tension and suspense can be felt.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You do have a way of bringing the reader right into the scene. Scary. I could hear a soundtrack somewhere warning of yet more danger to come.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wow! You paint a vivid scene, Teresa!

    ReplyDelete
  10. The image of her wrecked home makes this especially poignant. And that panic at the end--so close but with scent sniffing aliens on her trail--yikes!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I can't add anything to what's already been said, except that I hope you pick up from here next week! I can tell that you're fully immersed in this world as you write, not just spitting something out to a formula. Cool beans!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Marcia. I am immersed. Sometiems it's hard with my writing desk in grand central...I mean in the living room. :-)

      Delete
  12. I love the little details like the ironing board.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Aurora! Makes it all worthwhile. :-)

      Delete
  13. Love how you're stretching out the tension, and the detail about the ironing board in her poor, wrecked house.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Wow, how may weeks in a row can I stay on the edge of my seat worrying??? Loving the story and the intensity of her trying to escape before the aliens lower the boom. Terrific excerpt!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope several more. lol. The opening chapter is pretty much tension the whole way through. It's 6 1/2 Word pages, double-spaced. Thanks for your encouragement, Veronica!

      Delete
  15. Every week, I'm on the edge of my seat with your snippets. This week is no different. I hope the hiding spot works. Best of luck with the gutting and rewrite! I look forward to reading the entire story when it's done. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is getting more tense by the sentence! Great job with that. It's been a chilly weekend here in Cincinnati, so I guess we're sharing in the Pittsburgh chill.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope you're sharing on Pgh's warmth this weekend. :-)

      Thanks, Frank!

      Delete
  17. Gak! Is that place going to stay in one piece while she makes her way? Will she get caught? Such tension in these snippets, really loving it.

    Is the dog "Jobo" or "Jobe"? Cute name, either way.

    In my newsletter I was just commenting that it's 85 degrees out here...bizarre for mid-February. Maybe if we averaged out our temps we'd both be just right.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jobe, but his nickname is Jobo. Mayne I should eliminate one. :-) Thanks, Rose!

      Delete
  18. Such tension! I can't wait to see if see makes it.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Nice selection of details, Teresa. BTW, I forgot to sign up this week, but my snippet is here. Effing has something to ask you!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Of course, she has no idea what technology they might have to track her--how can she know if she's safe?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oooo, please tell me she makes it! To come through all this only to be captured would be frustrating! Though, it would make for a great story. Also, was it Jobo or Jobe? I had a second where I wasn't sure who you were talking about. :S Great snippet either way!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You must be a mind reader, Amy. Thanks for visiting. :-)

      Delete
  22. Ahhh! Running, jumping, hiding, ahhhhh!

    I frighten easily when it comes to running from things....Lol...Hope she's alright!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Uh oh. It gets a lot more frightening, Amalie. :-)

      Thanks for visiting. :-)

      Delete
  23. I love how the spectre of being sniffed out by the aliens hangs over the whole scene and makes the tension palpable. Fantastic snippet!

    ~Joyce Scarbrough

    ReplyDelete