Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns, and anyone else who wanders in.
March...the month of mud. Mud might actually be preferable to what's coming. Another round of snow and cold. If you are in the path of winter storm Titan, be safe!
Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
This is from a WIP, a fantasy story. Working title is: "Taydan: Child Denied"The ruler, Deamante, has just become a father. The unthinkable has happened--the child was born unacceptable, and Deamante believes this is because the new mother, his mate Rella, cheated on him. The healer then asked Deamante if he wants to do away with it. "It" being the newborn. He said yes, but wants to wait to make it public. He left, along with the healer and the aides, leaving Rella and her sister, Crinda, alone in the birth room. Rella believes she'll be safe if she remains, that Deamante loves her too much to harm her, but has asked Crinda, to flee to safety with the newborn. This is now in Crinda's POV. This ends chapter 1.
To see a compilation of snippets previously posted from this chapter, click HERE.
Creative punctuation warning.
As silently as twilight fades into darkness, she slipped from the room into the hallway, and then down the servants’ stairs. Over the pounding of her heart, she heard the echoing footsteps of hard boots. There was a rhythm to the step, like a church bell's warning when it tolls certain tragedy. The knell-like footfalls faded behind her as Crinda stepped outside into the final raindrops of the retreating storm. A bitter thought gripped her; one storm was ending as a new one began. She hurried along, putting distance between the baby and the executioner.
Next week, I'll be staying with this story, moving on to chapter 2. I hope for brutal honesty from anyone reading this story, snippet by snippet.
Thank you all so much for your help, comments, criticisms, suggestions, and encouragement. I think chapter 1 is nearly ready to file away as good to go. :-)
Very atmospheric! I hope she'll be able to find a way to hide and care for the baby.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kate! :-)
DeleteFraught with tension! Can't wait to read what happens next. Great description, here: "echoing footsteps of hard boots."
ReplyDeleteThanks, Debbie :-)
DeleteVivid, awesome, and exciting -- great work, Teresa!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven :-)
DeleteTense scene! The last sentence sent chills up my spine. Great 8!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jenna! :-)
DeleteSuch power and emotion in so few words. Love the bell tolling boots...freaking great imagery comes to mind with those words. Looking forward to next week's eight, a new chapter! Squee!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Millie :-) !
DeleteI envisioned SS troops in Nazi Germany and felt the old chill and fury at injustice. You paint with a gifted brush filled with words, Teresa.
ReplyDeleteYes! That's what I envisioned while I was writing this. :-) Thanks, Charmaine! :-)
DeleteWonderful. Intense and very vivid. Love it!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Eleri! :-)
Deleteooh, very nice. You create great suspense and atmosphere is so few words!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Alexis!
DeleteVery tense and atmospheric, and a gripping end to a chapter.
ReplyDeleteJust one point troubled me. I love the idea behind the footsteps/tolling bell comparison but something about it felt slightly off. It took me a while to tease it out, then it hit me - pace! I think the marching steps would have some urgency to them, but a tolling bell to me evokes slow and mournful. Maybe you had something more urgent in mind - an alarm... clang, clang, clang... invaders at the door! - but that wasn't the first image that came to my mind.
Good point, Ian, and I admit, I'm torn. The hard boots belong to the new father's henchman. And it's his nature to take his time. In fact, it's one of his traits--that he enjoys what he does. That does land him, much later in the story, at odds with Deamante. But, since this is the first chapter and the reader doesn't know that yet. Thanks for visiting! And, I just left a comment on your blog. My goodness, I didn't know before today that you are such an artist! :-)
DeleteVery atmospheric, but there is an ambiguity in the first sentence that you need to consider. Is "twilight fading into darkness a metaphor (in which case the present tense works) or part of the scene setting (which is the first impression I had, in which case there is a tense change?) If the metaphor is correct, contrast the real time of day.
ReplyDeleteSue Ann, thank you! That was an excellent catch. I never saw it--was likely incapable of having my brain perceive it as such.
DeleteTo me the church bell's toll really sets the mood. Very dramatic and good writing.
ReplyDelete:-D <-- big smile! Thanks, Sandra. Welcome to wewriwa!
DeleteGreat images, atmosphere. Like Sue Ann, the first phrase bothered me. Perhaps you should tweak it a little more.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff.
Still tweaking it, Kate. Thanks for visiting and commenting! :-)
DeleteI feel so sorry for the poor mother but I'm glad Crinda is getting the baby safely away. I'm so wrapped up in this story! Great excerpt as always...
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica. :-) It means a lot that you can say you're wrapped up in it.
DeleteBrutal honesty compels me to say that I'm loving this so far. I want to find out if the mother dies and what happens to the baby.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Elaine. That made me very happy! :-)
DeleteGreat snippet - lovely portrayal of her fear and the sound of the boots. Nice 8.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Susan! :-)
DeleteOh, god, if he's making the execution public, then there's no way he'll let his wife live. Right?
ReplyDeleteRun, Crinda!
An unnecessary (and unjust) tragedy really sets up a story. Will he seek revenge, will he grow up to hate his father. Will he even know who his father is? :-) Thanks for commenting, Sarah!
DeleteYou want brutal honesty? I want more! I'm loving this, Theresa. There are so many questions and possibilities... I can't wait to find out what happens. Today's snippet was superb, the urgency and the sense of impeding doom, quite vivid.
ReplyDelete:-) That is one big smile on my face. Thank you, Elyzabeth! :-)
Deletethe concerns I had were covered by the previous comments. I'm still invested in the story so that's a good thing :D
ReplyDelete~Heavy sigh~ I wonder if you will be after next week? Big change up, but I need to gauge reader reaction. Thanks for visiting, Sue, and giving it a read. :-)
DeleteReally nice descriptions to fit the scene, especially her footfalls like church bells. And when there's the thought of one storm ending while another begins, there are lots of questions raised. Now THAT keeps a reader moving!
ReplyDelete:-) Thanks, August! Very encouraging words. :-)
DeleteFabulous descriptors! The warning, the fear she has for the baby, the sense of urgency. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Anne! :-)
DeleteGreat description. You have set a very eerie scene. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, A.S. :-)
DeleteThe fear, the urgency... I felt it all. Great visual!
ReplyDeleteSquee! Thanks, Karen. Great encouragement. :-)
DeleteLots of tension here as she makes her escape. It did confuse me, until the end, whether she had the babe with her or not. I hope she makes her escape successfully.
ReplyDeleteOh, I hope when read in its entirety, it's not confusing. Thanks, Chelle. :-)
Delete