Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns, and anyone else who wanders in.
Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
I really hope you'll share your opinion about this week's change up. Without further ado, I give you the opening lines of Chapter 2. This follows immediately after Crinda has fled from the ruler's home with the newborn child. I have a question following the excerpt, if you have the time to share your thoughts. Creative (very) punctuation in use.
Chapter 2
Late in the day, Kadrick, Tayden, and Drave stepped off of the unmarked shuttle onto the rich soil of a Shantar river valley. Drave, a bear of a man led the way-- his dark hair and even darker eyes were almost as intimidating as his height and breadth. The big man's posture and gait lent some reassurance to Kadrick, following a close second, as he squared his shoulders and walked tall to convey anything but the insecurities and guilt he felt.
Tayden, shoulders slumped, brought up the rear, appearing almost timid as he stepped gingerly. His tall, slender frame appeared even taller in the long, brown, hooded coat he wore.
Kad pushed his thick, blonde braid back over his shoulder before turning around and tugging at Tayden's hood. In hushed tones, he warned, “Keep your hood up, and forward…like that...we don’t need anyone
getting a look at your face.” Then, patting his pocket—an automatic response to possible threat, he glanced up at Drave who mirrored the action, an ever so subtle answer to an
unspoken question; both of their weapons were ready to silence any unwanted attention.
Thank you all so much for your help, comments, criticisms, suggestions, and encouragement.
It seems it would be a prologue...but if you wanted to keep it a chapter, maybe start chapter two with how many years later? Hmm, this is really cool, it's not what I would have expected the world to be like after the first chapter/prologue : ) It seemed like they were so barbaric in the beginning, but now I'm finding they have shuttles, I'm assuming spacecraft? Neato!
ReplyDeleteHi, Millie. I'm leaning hard toward Prologue. My only hesitation is how many negative things I read about them on writing blogs. I think I'm reaching a crossroad--do what the traditional publishing industry deems as proper, or go with what I think the gives the reader the best story. Sometimes, the two conflict. Rethinking much this morning. I feel a controversial blogpost coming on...Thanks so very much for answering my question. :-)
DeleteHmmm...if the first chapter stands on its own years before the main story, then I would be inclined to call it a prologue. Either that, or you could precede this chapter with a heading along the lines of "Twenty years later" or something similar.
ReplyDeleteWhat confused me more, though, was the mention of the shuttle. I've only caught snippets of the earlier part, but the impression I got was of superstition and little technology. The word "shuttle" evokes spacefaring technology to me. I might not have got the right impression from my fragmented glimpses though.
Hi Ian, I think you got a fairly accurate impression. The story explains it, but I have a wee bit of hesitation that a reader will keep reading to discover why. Based on your initial reaction, I might go back and rewrite chapter 1 to infuse some technology. Some... A lot has changed in a couple of decades.
DeleteThanks for visiting--I value your opinion! Doing A to Z this year? :-)
The 2 chapters really depict not only years difference but also, it seems, a very different society. You definitely need to indicate "Years later" somehow whether or not you let chapter 1 stay or make it a prologue. Interesting perspective to have Tayden as an adult, but I do hope my curiosity will be fulfilled and I will find out what happened to Tayden's mom. Very intriguing.
ReplyDeleteThanks Chelle, for taking the time to answer my question. Yep... The answer about Rella comes out over the pages of the story. It's part of the heartache that at once binds and pushes apart father and son. :-)
DeleteI'd call the earlier section a Prologue, personally; if not, be sure to start Chapter 2 with a "Some Years Later" moniker.
ReplyDeleteSo far as the chapter itself goes, solid work and great details!
Thanks, Steven. I truly value your opinion. Thanks for taking the time-- I know you're a busy guy. :-)
DeleteI think it would work better as a prologue, but you could just tell the reader "Twenty Years Later" under the "Chapter Two". I like prologues and if you're not going back to the earlier time, you might as well.
ReplyDeleteThe detail is excellent. I would tighten up the POV. Great start for chapter two. Well done.
Thanks, A.S. Nope, not going back to the earlier time. :-)
DeleteFirst, nice descriptions in your eight--I could picture them marching cautiously along one behind the other...good job.
ReplyDeleteFWIW, my editor would say no, no, no to a prologue. So if all of the first chapter is background, is there any way you can start the book with the second chapter and sprinkle the information in the first one into the story as dialogue or inner thoughts or reminiscences? My understanding is that stories should start in the present, in the action. My editor took out the first five chapters of ONCE MORE FROM THE TOP, which were all basically background, so what got published wasn't even close to how it originally started. That being said, my new book does have a Prologue, but I'm fairly sure it won't after my editor gets a hold of it. ;-)
Wow...I can't imagine having five chapters summarily removed. So much time. So much thought goes into each chapter. What is it about prologues that editors don't like?? Thanks for your input. Very much appreciated! :-)
DeleteThere are as many opinions about prologues as there are about query letter formats. So I wouldn't sweat it.
ReplyDeleteI personally think the first chapter (or what I've read of it here) is strong enough to stand alone as a first chapter, with (as A.S. says up there) something indicating the passage of time.
Thanks, Sarah. I guess since I'll likely self-publish, the only editor that will see this is a freelance. And in all likelihood, it won't be a structural editor. Whew. SO many decisions. And sometimes I think I get lost along the way--who I'm trying to please. :-)
DeleteOK, well definitely what came before didn't set me up to read this new chapter LOL. As others have noted, the previous events had a very different feel, in technology, tone, etc. I'm all poised to see what Crinda does next...not meet three guys and wonder which one is the baby grown up. Not meant to be criticism because I was deeply engrossed in the story of the first chapter and I enjoyed the gritty tenseness of this excerpt. But right now I feel as if I'm reading two different novels. Personally I don't mind a prologue but I think Nan has a good idea to try scattering the backstory into the actual book? Because my editors all frowned on prologues...but at a minimum give the Reader a hint that now they're going to be 20 years later, NOT running from the hospital with Crinda and a baby. Excellent excerpt tho!
ReplyDeleteConfusion...more confusion. Might be time to set this story down for a while and work on something else. lol All valid points you raise, Veronica. And I even gave a bit of a warning to all of your wonderful warriors. A reader would be hit cold with this change up. ~sigh~ Thanks, Veronica. :-)
DeleteWhoa, Teresa. You've got me perplexed. If you use a prologue it should be very short or absorbed into Ch. 2 as written as back story or better yet, disturbing dreams-flashbacks . To be continued. Now I'll ponder this all week and see what you come up with.
ReplyDeleteOy! I'll be pondering it all week, too. Dispersing it into backstory is an option. This one might have to be shelved for a while. Then see how it hits me when I read it in a few months. :-) Thanks, Charmaine! :-)
DeleteMy 2 cents: I think a Chap 1, Chap 2 with '20 years later' works better than a prologue, even though it's essentially the same thing.
ReplyDeleteEngaging excerpt, though the shift from 3rd to 2nd person was a bit jarring. That said, I loved the reading of a wide angle view to a more focused POV. :-)
Thanks, Karysa. I'm really unsure of the wide angle into narrow focus, now. :-) And the shift from 3rd to 2nd? Do you mean in the dialogue?
DeleteThanks for taking the time to share your opinion. Much appreciated. :-)
I can't speak for everyone else, since I haven't read the first chapter. I thought this 8 raised questions and set up an interesting story. Maybe this could be a prologue, but that's just me. Good snippet, overall!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Frank! :-)
DeleteI actually just had this same issue and opted to do Ch. 1 rather than a prologue. I started Ch. 2 with 'Twelve years later...' The shuttle jarred me but also made me more curious about the world, who these people are, and what was going on. I think as long as you don't wait too long to connect what's happening in Ch 2 to what happened in Ch. 1 you'll be just fine. Looking forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteYeah...that could work, Eleri... Now you've got my wheels turning. Thanks! :-)
DeletePrologues don't bother me. I'm happy as long as the author doesn't confuse me! If you haven't finished writing the story, I'd suggest that you do that first. Then let the book sit for a while and come back to it. You'll probably be able to make the decision about whether or not to use a prologue more easily.
ReplyDeleteIt is finished, Sandra. And I'm liking the idea of letting the story sit for a while. :-) Thank you! :-)
DeleteI'd say the important thing is to make it clear how much time has passed.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sue Ann. An omission on my part that will be corrected no matter which direction I go. :-)
DeleteBecause the time difference is so great, perhaps a prologue would be best. And I agree the technology threw me off also. Whose POV is chapter 2?
ReplyDelete(it's sue by the way)
Hi Sue. Going to take a look at chap 1 again. Perhaps infuse some technology. The POV is Kadrick's. Thanks for visiting and giving it a read! :-)
DeleteI like the idea of a date at the chapter heading like someone else said.
ReplyDelete:-) Thanks, Dani!
DeletePrologues don't bother me either, as long as there's a reason for them to be there and not just Chapter 1. In this case, I think you could go either way, really; but as others have noted, you need some *clear* way to mark the time passage.
ReplyDeleteGreat excerpt, too! Subtle emotion and definite tension. We don't get a strong sense of what Tayden is really like yet but having read Ch 1, I'm *really* curious! Great job with this bit.
Thanks, Marcia. I think I'm going to leave this ms. alone for a bit, give it time to settle. :-) lol. :-)
DeleteI'd say chapter one sounds like a prologue. I know what everyone says about prologues but there is a great difference in time between chapters 1 and 2. The other thing is the vast difference in POV.
ReplyDeleteI suppose you could title chapter 2 "Twenty Years Later" but I think then you would need headings on all chapters to be consistent.
If you make chapter 2 chapter 1, and inter-disperse the information from chapter 1 you will need to take care in how you do it. I'm not sure whose POV chapter 2 is, but the information in chapter 1 only certain people would know. Tayden himself could not have a flashback and remember because he was just born (unless some kind of magic is involved like in Harry Potter). It would have to be as a story told to him by either his mother or aunt, or bits and pieces scattered through from his mother, aunt and father until the info in chapter one is covered and the truth is reveled to Tayden and the reader.
Prologues don't bother me, personally. I don't see the need for them when it's something like a scene from two weeks ago or the same POV as the rest of the book that can easily be done with sprinkling through the story. But in this case I can see the use of it.
My thoughts anyway. :)
The Murders of Polly Frisch
Yep, true about needing a heading on each chapter. And I don't think I want to do that. And you bring up a good point abut sprinkling the information through the book. I feel like that would add an extra (and difficult) layer to the editing process. :-) Thanks, Cindy!
DeleteI would go with Prologue when there's a big jump in years. :) Your snippet has me intrigued.
ReplyDeleteOy! I just start to be convinced one way, and then someone shares their opinion, and I am leaning the other way. :-) There are a lot of years. Maybe prologue is the answer. :-) Thanks, Karen!
DeleteA little description heavy at the beginning, but raises some interesting questions--always a good reason to keep reading. It makes me wonder if he's recognizable or if there's something marking his face.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, you're missing a comma in "Drave, a bear of a man[,] led the way." Unless it got lost in the creative punctuation process, in which case, never mind. :)
I'm not completely happy with the description, either, Caitlin. I think there are extraneous words that can go.
DeleteNo, not creative punctuation. I missed it. Thanks for the catch! :-)
I'm wondering who's side they are on and why Kadrick is feeling guilty.
ReplyDeleteIt's good, I think, that a reader wonders. Thanks for visiting. :-)
Delete