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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Weekend Writing Warriors: April 13, 2014





 Weekend Writing Warriors



Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns, and anyone else who wanders in. Happy Palm Sunday.


Are you doing the A to Z Challenge? If so, please leave a comment so I know to visit you! :-)

Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.

Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE


Set up. I've skipped ahead about a page. Kad, with his friend Drave (the enforcer) has taken Tayden to a world called Shantar to hide him from Dominions thugs and henchmen. They've tentatively negotiated a boat and driver to haul them upriver--into a mountainous, wilderness area. Now they're in town, getting a bite to eat and killing time. In walks the port operator.


 Kad watched him survey the crowded room until the man’s eyes settled on the empty seat at their table. Easy enough to anticipate; it was the only empty chair in the place. He moved toward them, squeezing his way between tables while diners grunted and sighed, scooting out of his way. Stopping in front of Kad's table, he asked, “Mind if I join you?”

     Drave’s black eyes looked as though they'd burn holes in the Port man, and when he broke the tense silence, the words that followed confirmed the threat Kad sensed. “I’d see a man gutted and bleeding out before I’d let him hurt one of my companions.”

     The Port operator stood his ground, his expression not giving away even an iota of fear he might have been feeling.

That's it. Whatever jumps out at you, good or bad, I'd love to hear. I need to hear it. And I'm truly grateful for every bit of criticism. I do learn from it. Have a great week, everyone.


21 comments:

  1. I should start all of my conversations out that way: "“I’d see a man gutted and bleeding out before I’d let him hurt one of my companions." Good ice-breaker. ;D

    In all seriousness, this excerpt has a nice flow to it, and you build the tension well through dialogue and just the right amount of description. Nicely done!

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  2. Testosterone at high level in the threat. It's a "mine's bigger" moment and the Port man hold his own, so to speak, at the threat. Fascinating and what happens next, the readers cry out. Your eight clearly defines what's going on moment to moment. Thanks.

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  3. Nice to meet you? Drave doesn't mess around, does he?

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  4. Love it. Makes me like Drave even more. I think the first paragraph could be tightened a tiny bit by...the empty seat at their table, the only empty chair in the place. It seems like you're telling me something I'll figure out if you just show me...does that make sense? And, maybe at the end, show me the port operators expression (I have no idea if he still has a friendly smile, or if he's looking tough himself, or anything inbetween), maybe his body language.

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  5. Very intense scene. I feel the male hormones bouncing back and forth. Battle or a stand off? Could go either way. Great snippet Teresa!
    History Sleuth - Murders of Polly Frisch.

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  6. That's a tense scene. I like how the Port operator doesn't show any fear in front of Kad and Drave. Interested to see where this goes.

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  7. Excellent scene. I like the way the other diners scraped their chairs out of the way--it gives a real sense of how crowded the place is. I did notice that you used "table" three times in the first paragraph.

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  8. I agree with Millie. It's a good excerpt for sure, but like all early drafts could use just a bit of tightening. In a tense scene like this, I always think showing works better than telling. Hope you pick up from here next time!

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  9. Wow, that's one aggressive greeting! But I liked the scene, could really picture the place...great snippet!

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  10. I wonder why Drave felt aggression was needed away from the dock. It sounded like a warning so I guess the port master could not sit at their table

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  11. This could be because I'm jumping in late, but there might be room for a bit of description of the Port man. I can't picture him very well right now.
    Drave's black eyes burning holes is a fantastic prelude to his powerful dialogue! I love the sense of escalating tension in this scene. :)

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  12. That's some greeting! Lots of tension here, and you set the stage beautifully.

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  13. Very interesting and vivid. Nice!

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  14. Hey Teresa, I didn't realize you were going the A to Z this year! Guess I just didn't get far enough down (or up) the list. I'm going to profess ignorance about the hop and get stuck in the shiny shiny of a new piece. I like the tension in the scene, but would love to see an appeal to another one or two of the senses.

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  15. So cool! I'll have to check back for the weekend bloghop after this A to Z madness is over. It's all I can do to keep up with blogging 6 days a week!

    Visiting from the A to Z Challenge signup page. Great to meet you!

    Stephanie Faris, author
    30 Days of No Gossip
    http://stephie5741.blogspot.com

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  16. Can you say TENSION? lol I loved Drave's response. Definitely want to be counted as one of his friends. :)

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  17. Great scene. Makes me wonder what Drave has been through. I certainly wouldn't want to mess with him.

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  18. The port operator definitely isn't a guy you want to mess around with!

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  19. Oh boy, I'd say trouble is brewing but I think it has arrived at their table. I'd think twice before crossing Draven and if I were sitting tehre eating, I'd run as far away as possible as quick as possible! Great scene!

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