Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns, and anyone else who wanders in. Happy Palm Sunday.
Are you doing the A to Z Challenge? If so, please leave a comment so I know to visit you! :-)
Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
Set up. I've skipped ahead about a page. Kad, with his friend Drave (the enforcer) has taken Tayden to a world called Shantar to hide him from Dominions thugs and henchmen. They've tentatively negotiated a boat and driver to haul them upriver--into a mountainous, wilderness area. Now they're in town, getting a bite to eat and killing time. In walks the port operator.
Kad watched him survey the crowded room
until the man’s eyes settled on the empty seat at their table. Easy enough to
anticipate; it was the only empty chair in the place. He moved toward them, squeezing
his way between tables while diners grunted and sighed, scooting out of his
way. Stopping in front of Kad's table, he asked, “Mind if I join you?”
Drave’s black eyes looked as though they'd burn holes in the
Port man, and when he broke the tense silence, the words that followed confirmed
the threat Kad sensed. “I’d see a man gutted and bleeding out before I’d let him hurt
one of my companions.”
The Port operator stood his ground, his expression
not giving away even an iota of fear he might have been feeling.
That's it. Whatever jumps out at you, good or bad, I'd love to hear. I need to
hear it. And I'm truly grateful for every bit of criticism. I do learn
from it. Have a great week, everyone.
I should start all of my conversations out that way: "“I’d see a man gutted and bleeding out before I’d let him hurt one of my companions." Good ice-breaker. ;D
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, this excerpt has a nice flow to it, and you build the tension well through dialogue and just the right amount of description. Nicely done!
Testosterone at high level in the threat. It's a "mine's bigger" moment and the Port man hold his own, so to speak, at the threat. Fascinating and what happens next, the readers cry out. Your eight clearly defines what's going on moment to moment. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteNice to meet you? Drave doesn't mess around, does he?
ReplyDeleteLove it. Makes me like Drave even more. I think the first paragraph could be tightened a tiny bit by...the empty seat at their table, the only empty chair in the place. It seems like you're telling me something I'll figure out if you just show me...does that make sense? And, maybe at the end, show me the port operators expression (I have no idea if he still has a friendly smile, or if he's looking tough himself, or anything inbetween), maybe his body language.
ReplyDeleteVery intense scene. I feel the male hormones bouncing back and forth. Battle or a stand off? Could go either way. Great snippet Teresa!
ReplyDeleteHistory Sleuth - Murders of Polly Frisch.
That's a tense scene. I like how the Port operator doesn't show any fear in front of Kad and Drave. Interested to see where this goes.
ReplyDeleteExcellent scene. I like the way the other diners scraped their chairs out of the way--it gives a real sense of how crowded the place is. I did notice that you used "table" three times in the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Millie. It's a good excerpt for sure, but like all early drafts could use just a bit of tightening. In a tense scene like this, I always think showing works better than telling. Hope you pick up from here next time!
ReplyDeleteWow, that's one aggressive greeting! But I liked the scene, could really picture the place...great snippet!
ReplyDeleteMakes me wonder what the port operator want to say to them.
ReplyDeleteSue Ann Bowling
Homecoming Blog
Stormy's Sidekick
Blogging from A to Z April Challenge
I wonder why Drave felt aggression was needed away from the dock. It sounded like a warning so I guess the port master could not sit at their table
ReplyDeleteThis could be because I'm jumping in late, but there might be room for a bit of description of the Port man. I can't picture him very well right now.
ReplyDeleteDrave's black eyes burning holes is a fantastic prelude to his powerful dialogue! I love the sense of escalating tension in this scene. :)
That's some greeting! Lots of tension here, and you set the stage beautifully.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting and vivid. Nice!
ReplyDeleteHey Teresa, I didn't realize you were going the A to Z this year! Guess I just didn't get far enough down (or up) the list. I'm going to profess ignorance about the hop and get stuck in the shiny shiny of a new piece. I like the tension in the scene, but would love to see an appeal to another one or two of the senses.
ReplyDeleteSo cool! I'll have to check back for the weekend bloghop after this A to Z madness is over. It's all I can do to keep up with blogging 6 days a week!
ReplyDeleteVisiting from the A to Z Challenge signup page. Great to meet you!
Stephanie Faris, author
30 Days of No Gossip
http://stephie5741.blogspot.com
Can you say TENSION? lol I loved Drave's response. Definitely want to be counted as one of his friends. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat scene. Makes me wonder what Drave has been through. I certainly wouldn't want to mess with him.
ReplyDeleteThe port operator definitely isn't a guy you want to mess around with!
ReplyDeleteTense snippet, great imagery!
ReplyDeleteOh boy, I'd say trouble is brewing but I think it has arrived at their table. I'd think twice before crossing Draven and if I were sitting tehre eating, I'd run as far away as possible as quick as possible! Great scene!
ReplyDelete