If you're here, making Sunday rounds for the Blogging from A to Z Challenge, please scroll down the page past this post. My "W" post actually is titled "W is for Weekend Writing Warriors". :-)
Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns, and anyone else who wanders in. Can you believe it--April is all but done!
Are you doing the A to Z Challenge? If so, please leave a comment so I know to visit you! :-) The homestretch has arrived. Three letters to go.
Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
Set up. I've continued where I left off last week. Tayden just told the Port operator (against Drave's will) that he can sit at their table. Drave just either cautiously or rudely ignored the Port man's handshake gesture.
Taking his seat, the operator removed his hat, a simple,
wide brimmed affair. He set it on his lap, then turned toward where the server neared, bumping and jostling though tight spaces. Short on height but generous on
girth, her broad smile squeezed dimples into her cheeks. She slapped a customer’s
shoulder, and scolded, “Keep yer hands to yerself!” Stopping a table away, she
raised her voice to be heard above the low, chattering drone. "What're ya having tonight?" The she
put her hand up to her ear like she was trying to capture the Port man's answer.
“I’ll have the fish stew and some hard-crust bread--it's the local river fish, right?”
That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad? I'd love to hear it.
Thank you so much for reading this. Have a good week!
Team Netherworld did the A to Z on
ReplyDeleteCrazy Town in Looney Land
KHEL 666
Poetry of the Netherworld
The weekend writing bit sounds cool, except since I write for fun and therapy, I don't want to do anything that smacks of being back in high school writing class, which con-crit does! If I ever decide to write anything for publication again, I'll reconsider.
Anytime you want to join in--for any reason, Cara, please do. Thanks for visiting! :-)
DeleteIt's easy to be swept up in the setting thanks to your descriptive words, I especially like the simple wide brimmed hat. The line "turned toward where the server come his way" does seem a bit awkward though and I wonder if I am missing something intended regarding dialect. His question about local river fish just sounds so natural and again it is easy to lose myself in your words. Great snippet.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Chelle! Good catch on conjugation. Yikes. My only excuse is that it was very late when I put this together. I should have been asleep. Maybe I was? :/
DeleteI've done a rewrite. Amazing how different things can look in the morning. :-)
Great details, Teresa, and I agree with Chelle about how easy it is to get swept into your setting. And DAMMIT!....now I want fish stew... ;D
ReplyDeleteI was immediately drawn into the atmosphere you created using both dialogue and details. Great scene!
ReplyDeleteSuper description of the server. I could practically see her.
ReplyDeleteLoved the description of your server. I bet she gets terrific tips! Excellent excerpt!
ReplyDeleteSounds as if the Port operator is conveying information to the visitors. (That the fish is local.)
ReplyDeleteI had the same feeling as Sue Ann. I like the bustle of the crowded space and the waitresses dimples. Good eight.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charmaine! :-)
DeleteGreat characterisation of the server in a few lines. Nice excerpt.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why, but I really loved that his hat was a simple wide-brimmed affair. That phrase really tickled me : ) I absolutely adore the waitress, she just jumps right off the page!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Millie! :-) Ready with your "X" post? Three letters to go! :-)
Delete"Her broad smile squeeze dimples into her cheeks" Nice! She seems to the the only happy one there.
ReplyDeletelol, at this precise moment, I do believe you are correct! Thanks, Dani!
DeleteAttempt #2 ;-)
ReplyDeleteSuggestion is to maybe change "turned toward where the server neared" to "where the server approached"
But really a great excerpt. This is a prime example of how the right details make a scene vivid and memorable :)
Thanks, Marcia. I wasn't happy with it when I posted it, so it'll definitely get reworked. Thanks for suggestion! :-)
DeleteGreat atmosphere and description. I already know a lot about the server despite the brief description, you showed me a lot of who she is. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tina! :-)
DeleteLocal fish - point taken lol
ReplyDelete:-) Thanks, Susan!
DeleteOh how I wish I could describe like this! The scene jumps right out at you. Well done, Teresa!
ReplyDelete~blush~ Thanks, Elyzabeth. I have to give the credit to my wewriwa pals. You all have taught me so much--and I'm still learning. :-)
DeleteThe server is so well-drawn. She seems like just the type of person to be working tables.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carrie-Anne. I had a picture in my mind while I wrote her, and I hoped that it would come through. :-)
DeleteI love the server! She's one of those characters that lend reality to a scene. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sarah! :-)
DeleteLove the way she has to bustle around the crowded place, and the waitresses dimples-- loved your description! Great scene!
ReplyDeleteNot sure anyone mentioned this yet... In your sentence "The she put her hand up to her ear..." Should it be: "Then she..." :)
Love the way you describe the server.
ReplyDeleteYou really captured the scene in so few words, Teresa. Nicely done. :)
ReplyDeleteIt felt like I was there with them. You have a gift for writing description in a way that is just the perfect amount. Always enjoy your snippets!
ReplyDeleteI like how you captured the atmosphere,
ReplyDelete