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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Weekend Writing Warriors: July 26, 2015


 
                 Hello, Warriors-- my favorite writers in the whole wide world. :-) Happy last Sunday in July.  I hear the collective groans. Summer is simply zooming by!  And another week has passed, so it's time for the Warriors to gather  again. :-)             

Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 to 10 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good. 
                 Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
This is Chapter 4 from my SFR WIP, Across The Night Sky . Today you get a good look at him, from her POV.  Last week her thoughts were filled with worry about her young son who was with her before she wound up here. The final sentence last week was: She couldn’t bear the thought that he might be here too, somewhere— with those man-eating animals.
 


We continue from there:




Willing her mind away from what she couldn't control, she busied herself with the things she could.  She gave her companion a once-over. Even though he slouched, she could tell he was a big man, the biggest man she’d ever seen. Every inch of seven feet, she guessed, maybe even taller. Broad shoulders were unmistakable in spite of being covered with battle dress from a thousand years ago—give or take a few centuries. But she was no history scholar; she could be way off that mark. What was up with his clothing?

His skin was a shade lighter than cinnamon, and the braided hair that disappeared behind his back was black as ebony. Black as ebony? Only things in fairy tales are black as ebony, except of course, ebony.
      
 

That's it. What works? What doesn't? I'm so very grateful for any comment or criticism you leave. :-)

28 comments:

  1. He sounds dangerously fey! Excellent piece Teresa, thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thanks, Kim. It's so hard to get a larger picture from a short piece. :-)

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  2. Great description, Teresa! You paint a real vivid image of both characters in this snippet, well done!

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    1. Thanks, Steven. Walking that thin line... :-)

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  3. He sounds enormous. And hot. And potentially dangerous. :-) Nice, vivid description.

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    1. All of the above. ;-) Thanks Christina!

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  4. The bigger they are,the harder they fall. I heard that somewhere. You've painted quite a picture here. I have a sensual feeling about this snippet.

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    1. Yep. His fall is a hard one indeed. Might not have been so bad if he'd just fall and get it over with. But no...he has to fight it. ;-)

      Thanks, Charmaine!

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  5. Her companion sounds like he's going to have her fanning herself shortly! I appreciated that you gave us some background on the excerpt and the story. This is my first week doing this bloghop and it really helped me to understand what was going on more. In this line:

    Black as ebony? Why would she have ripped that description straight from a fairytale?

    My thought was that this would read better as something like "She could've ripped that description straight from a fairytale," instead of "Why..." because I can't think of a fairytale where something is specifically described as black as ebony and it would not have been my first thought that she took it from one. Unless the story is going to be more meta-fairytale?

    Anyway, just something to think about! Keep it up! :)

    PS - I'm not sure it shows up for you, but your text is highlighted in white, as if it's been copy/pasted from a rich text editor.

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    1. Holly, thank you so much for all of the great feedback. I did already tweak my wording a bit--at your suggestion.

      The reference 'hair as black as ebony" is from an old folktale written by Jacob Grimm--and made into a well known Disney fairytale--Snow White.

      The highlighting is intentional. I chose the lightest gray I could--to avoid having it distract readers. The reason I did it is because my blog background is very dark. On some mobile devices, the white page doesn't show behind the black letters. So it's unreadable --at least on my cellphone, that's the case. With the light gray highlighting, the black letters do show up.

      We're really glad you decided to join us! It's fine (even advisable) to include a little intro to get your readers oriented into your weekly snippet. :-)

      Thanks for all of your feedback. :-)

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  6. I think you were going for the *feeling* of a fairy tale, rather than meaning she was thinking of a specific one? Kind of a tricky issue; it's subjective. It might need some additional thought but I do like the general idea. She's probably wondering why she thought of something so un-practical just then.

    My suggestion (and you were waiting for this, I know! LOL!) is to drop "personally." I think that's assumed and doesn't need to be specified. And well, okay, I kind of bumped at "inches" and "feet" used so close together. It makes the sentence a bit choppy IMHO. There's a lot of possibilities to tweak it, if you're so inclined. This is after all only my opinion.

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    1. Yes! You got it, Marcia. Not a specific fairytale, just that her mind drifted into a fictional place while she assessed his looks. She's not really expecting 7 dwarfs to appear next. And that's good, because it's coming close to having six big guards appear. :-)

      I think my mind might get too literal when I'm thinking about word choice. I added personally because she's likely seen men who were 7 feet tall if she's ever seen an NBA game. But she's seen them on TV and in magazines. I'm sure with tweaking, I'll find another way to say it that doesn't jolt the reader. :-)

      Inches shy of feet.. I'll play with it. lol.

      Thanks for all of your excellent feedback!

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  7. Looks like someone she should get to know better. A warrior from a thousand year ago?

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    1. Yeppers, Aurora. And yes, there's a reason he looks as he does. Like everything else, it all goes back to his grandfather, the high King. :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)

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  8. Love the imagery!! I want to know him!!

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    1. :-) Yep. He and his guard play with swords much more akin to a claymore than to a cutlass. :-) Thanks for visiting, Karen. :-)

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  9. And now we attention intrigued with him and want to know more.

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    1. I am so glad you want to know more. :-) Thanks, Elaine!

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  10. He's big, not ugly, not, I hope, one of those "man-eating animals". I'm totally hooked.

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  11. He's big, not ugly, and he is definitely not one of those man-eaters. :-) Thanks, Gem!

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  12. I want to READ this!!! Now, please :-) Loved the snippet and your heroine seems like a person I'd really enjoy meeting.

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    1. :-) Your enthusiasm is chasing away my doubts. Thanks, Veronica. :-)

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  13. A warrior from another time and place. Intriguing and sexy! ;)

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    1. :-) I hope the readers see that side of him, Dani. Thanks!

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  14. It sounds as if she is quite mesmerized by his appearance. His size seems almost god-like and powerful. This will be a very interesting liaison. I liked the description alot and certainly want to read more.

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    1. I am so glad you want to read more. Thanks for visiting, Chelle!

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  15. I love the descriptions you used. It must be quite a shock to see someone who looks like he stepped out of another world.

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    1. :-) Thanks, Carrie-Anne. Yep. I think it's all a shock at this point. :-)

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