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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Weekend Writing Warriors March 20, 2016

Hello all my fellow Warriors (and Snippeteers)!. :-)



Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop.  Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 to 10 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, on their own blog to go live between noon, Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good. 
              Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE





Setup:  Earth has been invaded by aliens. Our MC, Lily fled on foot, pursued by aliens after lobbing a grenade at them --leading them away from a bunker where a dozen children and two old women are hiding. She's been joined by her dog, Jobe (nickname Jobo). After reaching what's left of her house and then hiding inside, they've been captured by the aliens. She just spit in the commanding alien's face. She managed to get Jobe freed--he was strangling, held by his throat. The aliens are not being gentle with her or her dog.
"
She held his collar while she drooled bloody spit and tried to breath. "
We pick up from there:






The big, wasp-looking creature wiped his face. “I am Dev Areen," he said, no emotion apparent in his voice. "You will regret your disrespect for me.”   
He directed his gaze and his next words over her shoulder. “Bring them.” In spite of his even tone, a smile spread across his face, the kind of smile only a tormentor wears. He pointed at Jobe and said, “Food,” then he pointed at her and added, “Entertainment.”


    

Just when you think it can't get worse...

I did not attempt to use creative punctuation, though it may appear that way.
I just spent an hour reading The Editor's Blog about punctuating dialogue.  :-) If anyone is so inclined, I'd be grateful for any feedback. :-).

Thank you for reading it. I learn from your comments--and I'm so grateful for any insight you share. Have a great week!

35 comments:

  1. I see nothing wrong with the punctuation, I guess you're talking about that last sentence with two ominous utterances.

    Things are going from bad to worse. I'd love to be able to read this as a whole rather than 8 sentence snippets :)

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  2. Oh no. Great snippet. I hope they escape.

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  3. Suitably grotesque dialogue from the bad guys!

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  4. Oh that's terrible, wasp looking is so scary.

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  5. Nothing like an editorial to make commas, full stops, and speech marks completely alien. I never noticed your punctuation and I got what you were saying, so, it's :ood to go. I really enjoyed his laconic "Food" and "Entertainment".

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  6. Eerie ... from the wasp comparison, to his words "Food" and "Entertainment". So little words, so much effect.

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  7. Oh wow. They're in deep do-do. Love the way you're ramping up the danger.

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  8. Well, given the choice, I think I'd rather be the entertainment than the food...or then again, maybe not. Good snippet.

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  9. Yikes– looks like she's in a lot of trouble. :S Great snippet! :D

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  10. I think your punctuation is stellar. Thanks for the reference to that article, Teresa. It's hard to edit our stories to fit the guidelines, and get everything in. But it's great practice too. I'm amazed every weekend how much fluff I can cut from my WIP.

    I'm horrified for Jobe, BTW. I want to break out the wasp spray. Great snippet, Teresa.

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  11. Yikes! That is not good at all. I want to keep reading, as I'm hoping something gets her and Jobe out of that situation.

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  12. Solid description and atmosphere as ever, Teresa!

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  13. Eeep! I wouldn't want to be either of those things. Great snippet, Teresa. :)

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  14. Ew, I hate the big alien already. Jobo cannot be food!!! Great snippet and I believe the punctuation in the dialogue works :-)

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  15. Uh oh. She's got figure out to get out of this pretty fast.
    Tweeted.

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  16. Oh no. No. No. Not food and entertainment.
    Waiting for next week.
    Tweeted.

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  17. Probably not good to be either one actually, food or entertainment! Putting my scifi reader hat on, I'm having trouble imagining a smile on an alien bug's face. That took me out of the scene a bit since you did such a goo job of making me 'see' them as buglike. Their emotions and ours wouldn't necessarily track that well. Maybe he/it shows its pleasure some other way? Chirps? Or mandible clicking or something?

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  18. How delightful! Please tell me it gets better soon.

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  19. Chilling. I hope she releases Jobe and sends him away...

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  20. Oh no! Surely they don't want to eat the dog? Rescue them both - soon. Good snippet, and the punctuation looks good too. Although I am the last person who should be passing judgement on that.

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  21. Nooooooooo! Oh, please tell me they get out of it. Hurry up next week!

    ~Joyce Scarbrough

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  22. OMG! Talk about bad news! Great snippet filled with tension and emotion.

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  23. GAK! I'm already regretting her actions for her! "Food" and "entertainment"?? OMG this is NOT sounding good for either of them. Can't wait for next week!

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  24. That last word frightens me. I pray she can get out of this.

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  25. Out of the frying pan into the fire. Poor girl.

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  26. Re: dialogue and punctuation. It looked good to me. "He pointed at Jobe and said, “Food,” then he pointed at her and added, “Entertainment.”

    I'm fond of this split quotation device that keeps the action moving forward.

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  27. Yikes! I'm not sure what's worse, to be food or entertainment. I suspect the latter is a slower death...

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  28. Yikes! Sorry I must mimic Caitlin. It was the first thing I thought of too. lol I'm hoping she has a way out of this.

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  29. Oh poor Jobo! (Why is it we instantly worry about the poor pooch in these stories?) Wow, so cold... food and entertainment. Not a happy situation at all.

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  30. Not sure which is worse - being food or being "entertainment". Not good - let's hope Lily can get herself out of trouble before Jobo gets munched!

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  31. Respect your disrespect? What an odd thing to say...

    But oh yes, just when you think things can't get worse, they sure as hell do. *Shivers* Chilling. Poor Jobe, I hope he runs and escapes. I'm not sure I want to find out what "entertainment" will be. Well done!

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  32. Well that's turning out badly, but that's good for the story! And yeah, still worried about Jobo, because human characters are *supposed* to wind up in bad places but the little animals, we always worry about them! Good excerpt, continuing the strong tension.

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  33. Food and entertainment... two words one NEVER wants to hear in a situation like this. Great build-up to coming events.

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  34. Oh, crap. Can't wait to find out what happens next.

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