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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: April 28, 2013







Week 13: A Guard for life..."


Welcome Warriors!  Weekend Writing Warriors is a weekly blog-hop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at Weekend Writing Warriors, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between 12:00 noon Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST.  Then we visit each other, read, comment, critique, encourage--all those great things that do a solitary writer's heart good.

Give it a try--we're a pretty nice bunch of people.  :-)


This week, returning to my WIP, ATNS. This takes place about a third of the way through the story.


The setup:  This snippet is from the near the middle of the book.  The reader is getting a glimpse of backstory of how things work in the Rialtan Empire, and how Abraxum came to be Cuylrh's (the young King) guard for life.


The scene started with Cuylrh leaving camp in the middle of the night, and Abraxum following him. Cuylrh has just hit emotional rock bottom over his grandfather's unwillingness to accept Rissa (of Earth) and he's poured out his heart to his old guard. Cuylrh explained to Abraxum that he knows it's decision time--leave Rissa behind and break both of their hearts, or hurt his grandfather, but he doubts his ability to withstand the wrath his grandfather will dish out-- if he chooses Rissa. 



"Abraxum also understood so much more than even the focused observer would. The Earth woman was a blessing. No matter how she'd arrived under their night sky, no matter the sin his young King had committed in keeping her, and no matter the dire consequences waiting should that sin be discovered,  she was what he needed.  And she'd arrived in their midst when his need had reached desperation. 

All of the things that wrenched his heart, twisting it nearly beyond bearable pain, came to a halt when he thought of to whom his allegiance was oathed. On this he did not waiver: if a mortal threat arose, he would raise his sword in Rissa's defense out of loyalty to Cuylrh of Medoch. Pray, Giver Above, that it never came to that."


That's it.  What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom..  Thank you so much for visiting! 


Note* If you are launching a book, offering one for free promotion, or  have a blogpost you'd like shared, tweet me @Teresa_Willow and I'll retweet it for you. :-)

37 comments:

  1. Ooo, very intense snippet! Definitely want to know more about the sin! Great 8! :D

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    1. Thanks, Karen :-) ! The sin is alluded to numerous times, and a savvy reader will figure it out,. but it;s completely exposed in due time, and cause what can be described no other way than "The tragedy." Yikes! I have to stop. Tiptoeing in spoiler territory. :-)

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  2. What I like about Abraxum is how focused he is. He knows his duty and doesn't try to get out of it.

    The one thing I trip just a bit on is "And she'd arrived in his midst when his need had reached desperation" because "midst" implies a plural of something, so maybe "their midst" instead?

    You sure convey Abraxum's initial feeling of helplessness really well! And equally well shown is his renewed commitment to Cuylrh. Great turmoil here :D

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    1. You are sharp, girl! Thanks for catching that. I was changing, tweaking, revising...lol Oy--and I should have caught that! I thank you for catching it. :-) Working on it. :-)

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  3. I'm inclined to agree with Marcia about midst. You've another lovely snippet. Abraxum sounds so intuitive and I'm still so curious about Rissa and what makes her so special. You're doing a great job with this story.

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  4. Loved it! I love Abraxum's loyalty and his willingness to protect Rissa, without question. Loyalty is a rare commodity. Great 8.

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  5. Great snippet, Teresa. Abraxum's loyalty is clear, as is the dilemma of the young king falling in love with an outsider. One suggestion--making a noun a verb is always tricky. Maybe change "...he thought of to whom his allegiance was oathed," to "...he thought of the man to whom he'd sworn his allegiance." What do you think? Flows a little better? Love this story!

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  6. We all need an Abraxum . . .

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  7. Abraxum is 'between a rock and a hard place.' A terrible fix to be in for an old and loyal man. Teresa, your writing is wonderful. Thank you. I look forward to a solution to what appears to be an unsolvable problem.

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  8. I was so pleased that Abraxum has loyalty to Rissa! Enjoying this story immensely, can't wait to read it all - great excerpt!

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    1. Thanks, Veronica. I can't wait to get it out there. :-)

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  9. I agree with Sarah...EVERYONE needs an Abraxum! Love how he thinks of Rissa. This snippet was my favorite this week and wins my very first Superb Snippet award!

    Teresa, I'll be contacting you with the award graphic via the email addy on your profile. Great job! :)

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    1. Thanks, Rose. What a nice gesture! :-)

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  10. At least Cuylrh has one person who backs him.

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    1. Thanks, Sue Ann. Much needed backing. :-)

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  11. Very interesting snippet! I'll be back for more.

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    1. Thanks, A.S. I'll be continuing this for a bit. :-)

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  12. Good snippet on Abraxum's thoughts, Teresa. You might consider shortening it to "Abraxum also understood the Earth woman was a blessing. No matter how she'd arrived under their night sky, or the sin his young King had committed in keeping her, or the dire consequences waiting should the sin be discovered, she was what Cuylrh needed. And she'd arrived in their midst when his need had reached desperation.

    All of the things wrenching Abraxum's heart, twisting it nearly beyond bearable pain, came to a halt when he thought to whom he owed his allegiance. On this he did not waiver: if a mortal threat arose, he would raise his sword in Rissa's defense out of loyalty to Cuylrh of Medoch. Pray, Giver Above, that it never came to that."

    I've made small edits, but it makes the section flow smoother and allows the reader to know which "he" is thinking and which is "desperate". :)

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    1. Siobhan, these edits are wonderful. Thank you. Yes, it does flow smoother! Thanks again! :-)

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  13. Teresa, I am not one who can give you a good critique on the subject matter here. I have no experience with the genre. However, I do know language and after reading the snippet to myself, I read it aloud twice to authenticate what seemed to be there. And it was. I speak of the cadence and "lilt" of the words. It's very difficult to find the right voice for many writers. If this is consistent, it will take the reader into another reality. We don't communicate this way, but the narrator in your book does. Think how the hard-boiled language of crime thrillers can put you right there. I believe that's what you're doing here. For a negative example, how many times have you seen a book/film that takes place several centuries in the future and the people sound like 21st century Americans? Not too likely. Or think of how different Bible translations totally change the "feel" of the narrative. So I congratulate you on your prose. Good work.

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    1. Thank you, Daniel. You are a teacher, for sure. It comes through. The Bible example is perfect. :-)

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  14. I'm so pleased Abraxum understands the whole situation - and is willing to support Cuylrh. Great snippet.

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  15. So pleased Abraxum's loyalty is with Rissa. Great snippet!

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  16. I'm also glad that Abraxum's loyalty is with Rissa. Nice work.

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  17. The Abraxum, Rissa, Cuylrh connections all seem so true and and genuine. Nice writing to help us all feel this.

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    1. Thanks, Carol. I'm so glad to read that the feelings are coming through. :-)

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  18. Now, that's loyalty! We should all be so lucky to not only have someone willing to give his life but to fully understand and appreciate why.

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    1. Abraxum was a fun character to write. ;-) Thanks for visiting, Claire :-)

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  19. This is a great story, Theresa, intense and a real draw. I'm anxious to know more about Rissa and the world she's in now.

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  20. I quite enjoyed the oath at the end. It resonates as being true and heartfelt. It has a weight to it that gives this snippet a punch. Nicely done.

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