Week 12: A Guard for life..."
Give it a try--we're a pretty nice bunch of people. :-)
This week, returning to my WIP, ATNS. This takes place about a third of the way through the story.
The setup: This snippet is from the near the middle of the book. The reader is getting a glimpse of backstory of how things work in the Rialtan Empire, and how Abraxum came to be Cuylrh's (the young King) guard for life.
The scene started with Cuylrh leaving camp in the middle of the night, and Abraxum followed him. Cuylrh has just hit emotional rock bottom over his grandfather's unwillingness to accept Rissa (of Earth) and he's poured out his heart to his old guard. Cuylrh explained to Abraxum that he knows it's decision time--leave Rissa behind and break both of their hearts, or hurt his grandfather, but he doubts his ability to withstand the wrath his grandfather will dish out-- if he chooses Rissa. Cuylrh was raised by his grandparents.
This is on Abraxum's (Cuylrh's old guard) POV.
"Abraxum smiled at the memory of his young King’s newborn perfection.
The babe’s hair, straight and silky, so black it looked blue, and his perfectly
chiseled nose and uniquely defined eye wrinkles had attested
to the legitimacy of his place in line to the throne. He was a miniature version
of his father…who had been a miniature version of Daekartha. The grandfather’s blood ran true.
Shifting where he sat on the rocky ground,
Abraxum settled into a softer spot for his weary bones. In all the years since that
wondrous day of Cuylrh’s birth, Abraxum had never failed to hear praise come
from Daekartha’s lips when speaking of his grandson…until now.
He sighed, meaning it to be much quieter than the telltale heavy breath of heartache leaving him. He knew that the elder
King’s pride was bruised, and his heart nearly broken in the sea of anguish threatening to engulf them all. And Abraxum wasn’t born yesterday—he also knew
that with a drop of a sword, Daekartha’s anguish could turn into anger."
That's
it. What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am
truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom..
Thank you so much for visiting!
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o my! I want to know more about the babe.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Patrick! :-)
Delete"a heartache leaving him", what a good description for that sigh. "with the drop of a sword, (his) anquish could turn into anger" That really builds suspense for what his expression of this heartache will be. Nicely written with a lot of expression.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carol! :-)
DeleteGreat #8Sentence. What jumped out was same as Red Wing noted the stunning description of the sigh "a heartache leaving him"-just lovely. Wish I'd thought of it first. Enjoyed the read.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Susan! You can borrow it :-)
DeleteGorgeous description, Teresa. His thoughts brought me to tears and what a problem he faces. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charmaine! He is such a wonderful character. I think everyone needs someone like him in their life ;-)
DeleteYeah that's the best line in this particular excerpt, but I also like the mention of Abraxum shifting on the ground. For me that enhances a feeling of his long years.
ReplyDeleteI do notice that you start two paragraphs with "the old guard"; I think you could use his name. If this scene is meant to be in his POV, would he think of himself as "the old guard"?
Don't mean to be picky...I like your writing :)
Good catch! I adjusted it. Prolly still needs some tweaking. :-) Thanks Marcia! :-)
Delete'heart nearly broken in the sea of anguish threatening to engulf them all" stood out for me, but the whole paragraph was great, Teresa! You have a way with words. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Debbie! You make me blush--and smile :-)
DeleteWow! Excellent descriptions and great use of imagery. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess! :-)
DeleteOh, dear . . . And if the King's wrath does ignite, I'm sure he'll regret it far too late for the young lovers.
ReplyDeleteExcellent tension!
Sarah, intuitive. Yes, regret. He'll have some. :-)
DeleteI worry about the old King and what he might do...you've really gotten me enrolled in this story. Excellent excerpt!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica! :-)
DeleteLove the mix of history and conflict here and that last line is very powerful.
ReplyDeleteThanks, S.J. :-)
DeleteGreat excerpt, showing both tenderness and fear.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Paula :-)
DeleteNicely done. Great emotion.
ReplyDeleteThanks, A.S. ! :-)
DeleteThey've really gotten themselves tangled up.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sue Ann. :-)
DeleteI love this excerpt, Teresa. What excellent descriptions. Can't wait to see more! (And hopefully, the young Cuylrh won't have to choose...) :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Keeley! Oh...it would be too easy if he didn't have to choose. ;-)
DeleteOoh, I love the voice and descriptions here. A lot of great emotion here. Nice work. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, J. Rose :-) !
DeleteI like the way you put feelings in words.
ReplyDeleteAwe, thanks, Munir! :-)
DeleteMoving snippet full of great description. Enjoyed it as always.
ReplyDelete~Joyce Scarbrough
Thanks Joyce. Nice to "see" you. :-)
DeleteI loved the seamless way this flowed. The older man's memories and thoughts seemed to be mine. Excelent 8! BTW--How do you pronounce Cuylrh?
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jenna :-)
DeleteHard C. A vowel sound somewhere between a long (a) and a long (i) ending in an (r) sound with the (h) somewhat detectable. Gaelic-Saxon sounding. :-)
This was very real - very believable. Something about it made me think of Falstaff and young Hal.
ReplyDeleteWow... Thanks, TODM! That is the first time anyone has ever said that it brought The Bard to mind. :-)
Delete