Welcome to my world and beyond...

A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: August 4, 2013




                                                                  Weekend Writing Warriors

Welcome Warriors, and Snipsuns and anyone else who wanders in. Happy August. Yep. August!
Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 sentences of
their work, published ot unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
Set up:  Marissa has spent the last year homeless and delusional. In this week's post, she's moving into a small house owned by a church.  The pastor (Pastor Zaylor)  and Rayanne, her volunteer counselor, are helping her take this step from the homeless shelter to her new "home", They've just arrived.

*note   You might encounter creative punctuation :-)


 




Thunder boomed and wind drove the first heavy raindrops of a late spring storm against the house, rattling the old single pane windows.   Rayanne’s face beamed when she set a box on the table, exposing tissue paper tufts in a kaleidoscope of colors. “Whew! We just beat the rain!” Then, as if hearing Marissa’s unasked question, she added, “This is for you.”



Marissa blushed, and her gray eyes brimmed, threatening to spill over for the umpteenth time today.  Hiding her shame behind tears of gratitude wasn’t going to work forever, but the gratitude was as real as the generosity and kindness of these strangers that inspired it.


A specific question this week to the grammar gurus (I adore you) :-)  "...strangers "that" inspired..."  Is that correct--it refers back to "the generosity". Didn't feel right when I typed it. :-)

That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad ? I'd love to hear it and am truly grateful for every bit of criticism, opinion, and shared wisdom.  Thank you so much for visiting!  Sundays are extra busy for me right now, so it might take me several days to return visits, but I will. Have a great week, all!

48 comments:

  1. Another really nice excerpt, Teresa! You've got several layers of things going on here and I think it works beautifully. Poor Marissa, she's still got so much to deal with; her difficulties are not over yet.

    I suspect "who inspired" would be correct, but I don't claim any expertise ;)

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  2. Indeed a lovely snippet with all of its layers. Makes my heart warm for Marissa. Nicely done - sorry definitely NOT a grammar geek here - but the way it currently reads who sounds better to my ear.

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    1. Thanks, Susan! I sometimes think, barring egregious errors, we should go with what sounds better. lol.

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  3. Wow, nice snippet!! Love it. And I do believe "who" would be the way to go rather than "that". :)

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  4. Nice snippet! Since you're referring to people, who is correct since it's modifying strangers. Thanks!

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  5. This is very touching. Nicely done!

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  6. The first paragraph really set the scene. I could almost hear the thunder. Second part shows nice emotion.

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    1. Neat--glad it set the scene! Thanks, Elaine :-)

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  7. Beautiful detail and rich with emotion. Fabulous 8, Teresa!

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  8. Excellent job. This is so full of emotion and it has excellent deep POV and it pulled me right into the story.

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  9. Love this excerpt! Especially enjoyed the 'kaleidoscope' description. As far as your grammar question goes, I think it's good as is. It never gave me pause as I read it. If it was anything glaringly obvious, it would. So no worries! :)

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  10. WOW! You've captured an incredible amount of emotion in a few sentences. Amazing snippet this week!

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  11. I'm so happy for Marissa and the kind people surrounding her. She's incredibly fortunate and you did a great job describing how the sense of shame is still there, just below the surface, even in the face of joy and gratitude! I can't help but root for Marissa - she's loveable :)

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    1. Thanks, Susan! ;-) Yep, the shame is there, and showing it adds to it. :-)

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  12. Your snippet tugs at my heart strings.
    As for the grammar...I felt like you were referring to the generosity of the strangers, not the strangers themselves. Therefore it would be correct as is, if that is the situation. If you took the strangers out...the generosity would be what inspired it. I could definitely be wrong though ; )

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    1. Thanks, Millie. I must have done something right to tug at heart strings :-)

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  13. (Not a grammar geek AT all so leaving the question alone LOL) Loved the excerpt, sad, between the rain and her tears, but loved the pop of kaleidoscope color. Excellent excerpt!

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    1. Thanks for picking up on subtle things, Veronica--and for visiting! :-)

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  14. I love the beautiful details in the first paragraph. It really brings the scene to life. This is a very emotional snippet.

    I would say "strangers who inspired," since who refers to people, while that refers to abstract concepts or inanimate objects.

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  15. I like how you used the thunder outside to make the inside feel more warm and intimate. I think readers need those small breaks of contentment.

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  16. Earlier today I told you "who." I'm re-thinking and it seems to me that "that" makes more sense. "That" refers back to "kindness and generosity." When I get stuck in a grammar hole, I usually just re-write the whole sentence so that I don't have to deal with my uncertainty. But as someone else said, even if "that" is wrong, it's not distracting.

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    1. I think I need to take your advice and rewrite the sentence. lol. A decision like this shouldn't be so hard. It takes the fun out of writing :-)

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  17. It's so heartbreaking when a character is so unused to simple acts of kindness . . . Then again, we tend to take those too much for granted.

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    1. True, Sarah. We take so much for granted :-) Thanks for visiting :-)

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  18. Loved your snippet and I think either works, who or that. I probably would have written 'that' the same as you. Love your first line.

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  19. WHO. Definitely. Wonderful scene, so poignant with a storm outside and kindness inside. Thank you for touching my heart.

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  20. Great 8, Teresa. I'd have to go with who, since strangers are people.

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  21. I'm intrigued by the "shame". What is she ashamed of at this moment? Nicely done, Teresa. :)

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  22. I wondered about the shame as well, but the emotions here are so clear. Excellent details!

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