Hello
all. Welcome to Weekend Writing
Warriors, a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up HERE at wewriwa.com, then post 8 to 10 sentences of
their work, published or unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday,
and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other and read, comment,
critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart
good.
Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
This
is Chapter 4 from my SFR WIP, Across The Night Sky .
The protagonists have just defended against a second onslaught by the
predators. Kuylrh is alert now, and Rissa has doctored him best she could. They are exhausted. An unknown amount of time (days) has gone by. My last snippet ended with this: "She sat down, her back against the wall, and tugged him to where his head was once again on her lap. And they waited " Snippet Sunday group from facebook--not us, but many of our participants do both, can be found HERE
Creative punctuation alert.
We continue from there :
Every bit of her ached, and she was spitting dust. A crazy thought came to her. Maybe they were going to die of thirst rather than be killed by wild animals.
He kept trying to talk to her. His words sounded gentle and kind, and they all seemed to be statements-- as if he were summing up things or getting something off his chest. He must be French, she thought, from the sound of his voice.
Funny how the mind meanders in the downtime of even the most bizarre situation. She changed her mind. He must be German--the way he'd spoken his name, Kuylerh Mae Medoch, the last syllable pronounced like he was clearing his throat.
That's it. What works? What doesn't? I'm so very grateful for any comment or criticism you leave. :-)
It is a GREAT optical illusion, by the way. I read there are no less than 60 places across the USA that are considered hills that defy gravity when you place your vehicle in neutral.
I think Rissa is in for a huge surprise when she finally works out where Kuylrh is from. He does sound like a gentleman, though. Ihope what he's saying is not important or she is in trouble!
ReplyDelete:-) Yeppers. Surprise ahead. She already knows, but she's in denial. I think ;-) Thanks, Kim!
DeleteBeautiful pictures, I'm glad you found your way. We had that same problem when we went to Niagara Falls, the GPS kept trying to take us through Canada and we didn't have our passports with us, so long story short we had to reroute ourselves. Anyhow, love this snippet, I could here them spit out his name. I love listening to that kind of an accent for some reason. My favorite line however was, "Funny how the mind meanders in the downtime of even the most bizarre situation." Isn't it, though? Great work! :)
ReplyDeleteOy--what a nightmare that must have been, Neva!
DeleteIt is funny how how the mind works. I think it's because humans crave stasis.
Thanks for visiting and all your encouraging words!
Knowing that he's much more foreign than she's supposing, I got a kick out of Rissa's doomed attempts to determine the language he's speaking.
ReplyDeleteOne phrase I had to reread to figure out, though: "Never the drawn up note to indicate questions". I know what you mean, but you might want to see if you can express it more clearly. ;-)
:-) I've begun to tweak it, Ed! Thanks for the crit! :-)
DeleteI love the line "Maybe they were going to die of thirst rather than be killed by wild animals." To me, it hints that she is on the border of losing her grip on sanity.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to read that, PT. I hoped that readers were getting that idea. She definitely is. Thanks!
DeleteA wandering imagination can play havoc with a desperate mind. Her fears are multiplying now worrying about thirst, it's dangerous as she might come to the point of thinking one fate over the other is least painful. Great snippet.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Chelle!
DeleteSounds like you had quite the adventure in Gravity Hill!
ReplyDeleteNice snippet...she's zeroing in on random details so her brain can make easy sense of SOMETHING. And gee, is the guy French or German? Or something else??
Yes, to all you've mentioned.
DeleteOr something else. :-)
I love the way she is homing in on the accent, trying to discover more about him. Nice photos!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gemma. And thanks!
DeleteI like that he's trying to talk to her and she's trying to place the language. I would like to see some garbled dialogue from him so that she could react to it rather than just telling us he's speaking to her.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the crit, Cara. Mulling it over, how to do it. :-)
DeleteI think you've captured pretty well how frustrating (and fun) placing an accent can be.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you had quite an adventure- PA is so beautiful this time of year, soggy or not. :-)
Oh, I bet you get loads of experience doing that!
DeleteIt is pretty. It's still building. The reds aren't so bright this year due to the drought.
Thanks for visiting, Christina!
I agree with Ed about that one phrase. It's not BAD the way you have it but it seems like there might be a smoother way of saying it.
ReplyDeleteHere's a thought - if you take Cara's suggestion, you can have his dialog end with periods instead of question marks, and it will be clear to readers that he's making statements. That might make it easier to show that Rissa hears statements instead of questions.
I'm terrible at placing accents so I'd either give up guessing altogether, or I'd be thinking "French? No, German. No, Russian. No, maybe something Asian?" LOL!
lol--I'm not good at placing them either. ;-)
DeleteI like Cara's idea. Here my boggle: He doesn't speak Earth English. He speaks no Earth language at all. This is still pretty early in the story, and I'm leery of asking a reader to accept an alien language at this point. In the entire book, there might be ten to fifteen alien words introduced. :-)
Thanks for your crit, Marcia. I do appreciate them. :-)
Another great moment. I wonder what he thinks he's telling her?
ReplyDelete:-) Thanks, Alexis.
DeleteFun little snippet. I loved how she thought it was german secondary to throat clearing sound : ) drawn up note = rising tone?
ReplyDeleteThanks, Millie! :-)
DeleteSounds like a fun day out. I love those jaunts down unknown roads where you never know where you'll end up :)
ReplyDeleteIt really was, Ian. Laughter just feels so good. The older I get,. the more I crave it. :-) Thanks for visiting. :-)
DeleteGreat snippet. Love her inner thoughts and how she's reasoning through where he could be from. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Karen! :-)
DeleteVery natural - thoughts meandering even in a dangerous place.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Aurora! :-)
DeleteThe Gravity Hill adventure was interesting! I'm with others on that 'drawn up note" thing being confusing...definitely suggest rephrasing that! Wouldn't she be trying to talk to him too, not jusst guessing about his accent? No matter what, I'm loving the story!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica. Tweaked it. :-) I love my wewriwa crowd-sourcing crits. :-)
DeleteI love her trying to figure out which language he's using...from her planet, unaware that he's not from her planet. Great snippet, Teresa. :)
ReplyDeleteHaha! Yeppers. She's about to figure it out. :-) Thanks, Siobhan.
DeleteLittle does she know he's a Prince. . Fascinating tale and now, exhausted as she is, she's trying to figure out his language. That's amusing in the dire situation.
ReplyDeleteShe has no idea, and with the language barrier, it's going to take her a while. Tragic things will happen over it. Thanks, Charmaine!
DeleteAt least he sounded gentle and kind under the circumstances - that much she knows. Great snippet! :)
ReplyDeleteYeah...she lucky for that. He has his bad side too. :-) Thanks for visiting, Lorien. :-)
DeleteLove the way her mind is wandering, sounds about right for the dire situation she's in. I wonder what he's saying to her, as I don't think she's hearing a word of it!
ReplyDeleteYep. She's pretty much numb at this point. One more bout with the predators, and then something has to give. :-) Thanks for visiting, Caitlin. :-)
DeleteVery true to life. The mind can only hold such tension so long. I'm glad he seems nice and calm.
ReplyDeleteYeah, and then things start snapping. Thanks, Elaine!
DeleteThat last line is killer-- so funny, and so true!
ReplyDeleteI'm with Elaine on the snippet. It feels very real.
Haha! Yeppers. :-) Thanks for visiting, Jeff!
DeleteVery interesting! I wonder how long before she realizes where he's from.
ReplyDeleteIt's coming up pretty fast! :-) Thanks for visiting, Dianne. :-)
DeleteInteresting snippet, very real ... although, I'm surprised how someone can mix up a French with a German accent ;-)
ReplyDelete:-) I think she'll get it figured out here, real soon. ;-) Thanks for visiting, Iris.
Deletelove the "creative punctuation alert". The opening line is a great opening line! The bit about the mind meandering - aw heck - the whole thing was great.
ReplyDeleteThanks :-) lol!
DeleteI'm thinking she'd be better off worrying about whatever the thing was with that blue scarf...
ReplyDeleteBut she really doesn't have all the information I have, and she's living a moment I'm not. I guess I can understand the way her poor mind is leaping around in something of a panic...
I'm eager to see it all falling apart - does that make me a bad person, or an engaged reader/ =)
Haha! I know you're not a bad person, Shan. SO that just tickles me that you're an engaged reader!
DeleteThanks for visiting, and for your kind words. :-)
I love her inner monologue, and the line about the mind meandering.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carri-Anne!
DeleteGreat inner monologue and I love how you give us an idea of how to pronounce his name. Great pictures! Glad you found your way back ;-)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Elyzabeth, and me too! We still joke that there was something evil hiding in the mist on top of that mountain--and it's still calling us back! :-)
DeleteLove the snippet. Very detailed!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Cecilia :-)
Delete