Another fine week. Welcome readers and sixers. :-)
Six Sentence Sunday is a blog hop. Participants post six sentences from a current piece of writing. To learn more--or to find links to the other participating sixers, click HERE.
Join the fun. There are so many wonderful and talented writers participating...and all generously share their knowledge and love of the writing craft.
This week, back to my WIP, ATNS. Marissa, a homeless woman, cannot account for two years of her life. Institutionalized at one point, she has been diagnosed as delusional--unable to separate her dreams from reality. After a bonus find--twelve overcooked hot dogs in the trash-can behind a restaurant, she's taken them to an abandoned factory where she spends her nights. Picking up right where last week's post left off:
Six Sentence Sunday is a blog hop. Participants post six sentences from a current piece of writing. To learn more--or to find links to the other participating sixers, click HERE.
Join the fun. There are so many wonderful and talented writers participating...and all generously share their knowledge and love of the writing craft.
This week, back to my WIP, ATNS. Marissa, a homeless woman, cannot account for two years of her life. Institutionalized at one point, she has been diagnosed as delusional--unable to separate her dreams from reality. After a bonus find--twelve overcooked hot dogs in the trash-can behind a restaurant, she's taken them to an abandoned factory where she spends her nights. Picking up right where last week's post left off:
"The first hot dog evaporated in her mouth, but she’d slowed
down by the time she was on her third.
As she chewed the fourth, she felt sort of queasy, like she wasn’t sure
if it would stay down when she swallowed.
But, it made no sense to not eat them quickly. Not like
she had a fridge to put them in.
She twisted the shopping bag around the rest of them and
then placed it in an old metal file drawer.
It wasn’t mouse-proof, but it would keep the rats out."
That's it for this week. Please visit the site linked above to find other participants.
I'm starting out by saying that I really like this snippet. It's a beautiful example of your writing talent. I'm particularly fond of this half sentence-The first hot dog evaporated in her mouth.
ReplyDeleteNow, I have just one tiny comment. Would she really be able to eat six hot dogs?
Based on the way she's eating, I'm assuming scavenging for food has had mixed results, which leads me to think that her stomach has probably shrunk. Six hot dogs is nothing for a teenage boy, but it seems like more than a starving woman could handle. Just a thought.
Excellent six!
Thanks, Jess.
DeleteThe idea of the MC eating six hot dogs--and getting queasy on the sixth is based upon her wolfing them down so quickly. And six overcooked hotdogs with no bread would weigh--before cooking, about 9 to 10 oz. Somewhat less after, especially overcooked. I didn't think that was outside of the realm of possibility. My research indicated that stomachs don't shrink.
But, I am listening to you. I sure don't want a reader getting stuck on that detail, and without knowing--forming an opinion that the story is bunk.
I am seriously reconsidering changing the number to one that the reader won't even have to question. :-)
Thank you so much, for sharing your opinion--it means so much to me. There are things that we just don't see when we are writing. :-)
LOL! I know what you mean. It was just a thought. I'd definitely get a second opinion. I've been really impressed with what you're doing with this story.
DeleteHi Teresa! Thanks for stopping by my blog last week and leaving a comment. I just read yours from last week and this week, and want to say that I was completely drawn into your heroine's world by your description and how she reacts to her surroundings. Excellent snippets. Can't wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteThank you, K.E. :-) I looked over your Amazon page; I I added "Diamonds and Toads" to my 'to read' list on Goodreads. :-) It looks so good! Thanks for visiting and giving this a read.
DeleteI can feel her hunger, and I love that it's showing through reflections on food management, because I think there is no room for restraint when you're in survival mode. (I think focussing on the "slobbering" part of it wouldn't have been half as realistic) Great job. The word "evaporate" in this context is so spot on. Very authentic! Reesie, this is superb writing you provide us with, each and every Sunday. :)
ReplyDeleteDana, thank you so, so much. The editing for Across The Night Sky is grueling--that is why it takes so long to generate a section to critique...and I have had days when I wondered why I'm doing it. I know we all have those days... Your comments give me a much needed nudge :-) Thanks, dearie! Hugs :-)
DeleteGreat six, I feel her hunger, and her need to keep the remaining ones as safe as she could,
ReplyDeleteThanks, Paula. :-) I'm so glad to read that that came across to you--the reader. :-) !
DeleteI like this! I love getting to follow her around and experience things with her. I had a bit of a 'ewww' response reading that the drawer where she put the rest of her food was not mouse-proof, but I think it's accurate that she'd use whatever storage she had without worrying about it.
ReplyDeleteJess' comment on the six hot dogs does make me wonder about that.How does one find out how much a homeless person can eat at one time? How much does literal accuracy matter?
You get me thinking!
Hi Marcia, well, lol, Jess's comment got me thinking too. In spite of my research, I can only formulate a best guess. So, I am looking at it this way: Jess read this as a reader. And if a reader questions something--nine readers here--and two are wondering about it? Then I think it is in my best interest to lower the number of hotdogs rather than go with my guess. :-)
DeleteAccuracy and entertainment. Now there's a sweet spot to hit. ;-)
Thanks for the read--and for your kind words !
Her character and situation come through so strongly through your hot dog excerpts. Such a difficult situation, but she seems to accept it with a practical / no-nonsense approach. Loved your six.
ReplyDeleteHi Lorraine. How is the moving coming along? Whew, It makes me smile to read that her situation and emotions are coming through. It would be far too easy if I'm not mindful, to have her character appear pathetic...to lay down and be a victim.
DeleteThanks for visiting! :-)
Strong. She has survival instinct and isn't throwing herself a pity party. She does what she has to do. Compelling snippet. I feel for your character.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carrie! You get it. She refuses to simply give in and become a victim. :-) Thanks for getting that! :-)
DeleteOh wow. She's a survivor! Great six, Teresa! :)
ReplyDeleteHi, Joya. Yes, she is. Wow. I feel pretty good right now. That part is coming through. She is trying to stand...but its a challenge. :-) Thank you for giving this a read--and for your kind words. :-)
DeleteOh man. Good job. I feel her plight. And then she hides the rest for later. Love that.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lyric. She's a survivor...one little step at a time. :-)
DeleteYou continue to paint a terrific character here. The visceral details of her daily life are gut-wrenching. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven! :-)
DeleteHeartbreaking, Teresa. But this is my kinda woman--smart, practical, and determined to survive. Terrific six!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Monica..and thank you for visiting. I'm trying to write her tough--tough enough to avoid being viewed as pathetic, yet vulnerable due to her self-admitted "craziness". But...who among us has not been pushed by life, challenges, and circumstances to the point of being crazy...at least a time or two? :-) I hope readers can relate.
DeleteDear me, there but for the grace of god .... Poor woman, but she's determined to survive so good for her. I'm interested to see where you take her.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Elin! I am tickled that you are interested in where I take it! :-)
Deleteha! This made me smile and yet feel for her at the same time. Well done!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Tanya! How the heck have you been? :-) Thanks for stopping by.
Delete