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A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Sunday, August 30, 2020

EU Blurb attempt #2

 Welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors. Thank you to everyone who left a comment last week. If you'd like to participate or read tempting morsels from other authors, please sign up--or check the linky list at: http://wewriwa.blogspot.com/

      Also, check out the Snippet Sunday group on facebook. 
     This is the possible blurb for Emmily, Unbound, an SFR story. 
To read a compilation of all snippets posted for this story, click Here: Emmily Unbound, Chapter 1
 
  A BIG thank you for all of the advice last week. I put quite a bit of it to use with the rewrite. Again, thanks!

         Implementing some of the suggested changes on the fly.  Now at 165 words.

    Now, the  snippet:

Emmily lost everything that bound her to her ordinary and happy life. Now she has a simple plan: start over in the mountains and never-ever fall in love again. But everything goes  sideways when a UFO crash-lands on the next ridge over, and on a desolate road she’s waylaid by men demanding help for their injured friend, General. He's confused, bleeding, and sweet Lord, he's good looking--even while he's sneering and growling at her.

While fleeing an ambush meant to kill him, Gen Rael is gravely injured when his ship crashes on Earth. The human woman his crew captures to aid them is a confounding mixture of terrified and tough—and he’s losing his heart to her.

Despite being their hostage, Emmily is sympathetic to the peril they’re in.  There’s a threat coming, and it’s lethal to all of them, including her. And her simple plan about never-ever loving again?That’s about to fail…

Will Emmily risk it all to keep Rael and his crew safe until their rescue comes—despite the heartbreak lying ahead?


        That's the snippet.  If you have the time, a second version follows--implementing suggestions. This is 157 words. Would love to hear your thoughts. :-)
 
 

Emmily lost everything that bound her to her ordinary and happy life. Now she has a simple plan: start over in the mountains and never-ever fall in love again. But everything goes  sideways when a UFO crash-lands on the next ridge over, and on a desolate road she’s waylaid by men demanding help for their injured friend, General. He's confused, bleeding, and sweet Lord, he's good looking--even while he's sneering and growling at her.

While fleeing an ambush meant to kill him, Gen Rael is gravely injured when his ship crashes on Earth. The human woman his crew captures to aid them is a confounding mixture of terrified and tough—and he’s losing his heart to her.

Despite being their hostage, Emmily is sympathetic to the peril they’re in.  There’s a threat coming, and it’s lethal to all of them, including her. And her simple plan about never-ever loving again? Looks like that’s about to fail…

     
     
    Thanks so much for reading, and if you left a comment, I'll throw in a virtual hug.


Note*
I'm re-posting the bit about the relaxed rules in case I've missed anyone:
     In short, the WeWriWa rules have been relaxed. The goal is to maintain ease of finding the weekly snippet, but allowing more promo for published books.  You can check them out here: http://wewriwa.blogspot.com/p/the-rules-of-wewriwa.html
      We love our core group, the close-knit community that has evolved here at WeWriWa, the ease and joy of our weekly 'gathering,' but we also recognize that the time authors spend sharing and commenting has to make marketing sense, too. Time is precious.  This change would also eliminate the need for the "wonky punctuation to stay within guidelines" disclaimer. 


 The Original:

Emmily Wagner lost everything that bound her to her ordinary and happy life. Now she has one simple plan: Move to the mountains and start over. Just stick to the mission, find her muse, write her book, and never ever fall in love again.

But, you can’t plan everything, like a UFO crash-landing on the next ridge over, or being held up at gunpoint—maybe ray-gunpoint—in the middle of nowhere. The gun wielders demand her help for their friend, General. He’s bleeding, confused, and, sweet Lord, he's good looking…even while  sneering and growling at her.

She might be their hostage, but she’s not blind to the peril they’re in. They’re running from something, and they’ll wind up dead if their whereabouts are discovered. And she’s not sure which is worse. If whoever is chasing them catches up, or if they’re found by  the men in shiny black cars with government plates.

Her resolve to never love again is hanging by a tattered thread. She needs to keep her heart where it belongs, because as soon as General's rescue ship arrives, he’s gone.

 

28 comments:

  1. I like that it's shorter. I like alternating paragraphs about heroine, then hero. I also like the changes you made to the very end; they emphasize the emotional stakes.

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    1. Thanks, Ed. Looks like I'm moving in the right direction. Still could be better. :-)

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  2. Nice and crisp! I miss the "bleeding, confused and Sweet Lord, he's good looking" line . . . but that's just me.

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    1. Thanks, Nancy. I loved that line. I put it back in. My husband told me that it sounds like something I'd write--that it sounds like the book, not like a generic sort of advert for the story. I dunno. He's not necessarily my target audience. ;-) But it did get me thinking about how the blurb should be true to the writer's voice. ~sigh~ The more I know the less I know. :-)

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  3. Definitely getting there. A lot of tightening up since last week, and I like the interplay with Gen Rael's perspective.

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    1. Thanks, Ian! The warriors told me that I needed something from Rael's perspective. I like. Never gave it a thought before... Still have some work to do.

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  4. Great job! Writing blurbs is sooooo hard.

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    1. Thanks, Alexis! I had no idea how hard they are to write! 😊

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  5. Seems fine overall. Is he a General or is his name "Gen Rael"? I think that needs to be clarified for the reader...best wishes!

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    1. Yeah, about his name. She misunderstands how they're saying it. He is Ben Rael. Title and name. She thinks they're calling him General. The confusion eventually gets straightened out in the story. Thank you so much for all of your help!

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    2. Sheesh! Autocorrect!! His name and title... Gen Rael.

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  6. I really like the revision! My only question is do you need that last line? Just sayin'...:)

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    1. Thank you, Jenna. It feels off to me. I got rid of it. :-) Thanks for all of your help!

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  7. Definitely crisper, clearer, and much more intriguing! I agree with Jenna in that the last line doesn't necessarily have to be there. I like it, but I don't feel it's necessary. I think you get the same message across in the previous paragraph. It just emphasizes the stakes, I guess.

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    1. Thanks, Jessica! I removed it. Totally see your reasoning. I'm so grateful for your help. 😊

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  8. I like the new one much better. It makes me want to read the book.

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    1. Those are good words to read! Thank you so much, A.D.!

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  9. I like the revised version better, too.

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  10. Sounds good. I like the revised version.

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    1. Thanks, Karen!! I'm so glad you think it sounds good. 😊

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  11. Great job with the blurb!

    Now, just to throw in another wrench...many people suggest starting with a one sentence hook, before diving into the blurb itself. Maybe you could take that line from the end that everyone likes? "Her simple plan - never fall in love again - might not be as simple as she thought." Or something like that.

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    1. I love your suggestion, E.D. I'm trying to make it work. Thank you!

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  12. The newer version is more concise. I do like the bit about finding her muse and writing her book in the old version, but getting to the point is probably best.

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  13. I know, Cie. I liked it to, but sacrificed it to the God of word counts. Thanks!!

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