Welcome to my world and beyond...

A collection of snippets of the books I write and, occasionally, my life and the things that inspire my writing...

Sunday, August 23, 2020

WeWriWa:Possible Blurb

 


                                                                Happy August!
     Welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors. Thank you to everyone who left a comment last week. If you'd like to participate or read tempting morsels from other authors, please sign up--or check the linky list at: http://wewriwa.blogspot.com/

      Also, check out the Snippet Sunday group on facebook. 
     This is the possible blurb for Emmily, Unbound, an SFR story. 
To read a compilation of all snippets posted for this story, click Here: Emmily Unbound, Chapter 1
 
     I'm posting the wanna-be blurb as my snippet. It comes in at 190 words. Give it to me straight; my shoulders are broad.  :-)  I've written and rewritten this maybe 20 times. I had NO idea how hard it is to write a blurb. I really hope it gets easier. :-) 
        Now, the  snippet:

    Implementing some of the suggested changes on the fly.  Now at 182 words.

Emmily lost everything that bound her to her ordinary and happy life. Now she has one simple plan: Start over. Move to the mountains with her dog, Murphy, find her muse, write her book, and never-ever- fall in love again.

But her new life spirals out of control when a UFO crash-lands on the next ridge over, and on a desolate road, its crew waylays her. At gunpoint, they demand help for their wounded leader, Rael. He’s bleeding, confused, and inhumanly good looking…even while sneering and growling at her.

Even though humans are taboo, Rael can’t ignore this Earth woman, Emmily Wagner. Despite how scared she is, her willingness to help them touches his heart.

Although Emmily’s their hostage, she’s sympathetic to the peril they’re in--running from lethal enemies and the men in shiny black cars with government plates. She's the only thing standing between them and an unthinkable end.

Will she risk it all to help Rael and his crew escape despite the heartbreak lying ahead?


        That's the snippet. Would it be better without her last name? Keep the last sentence or not? I might have spent way too much time this week trying to wrangle down my first attempt (280 words) that may have been more of a synopsis than a blurb. :-)I think I'm just really confused at this point. Should I mention Murphy--or leave him out?      
     
    Thanks so much for reading, and if you left a comment, I'll throw in a virtual hug.


Note*
I'm re-posting the bit about the relaxed rules in case I've missed anyone:
     In short, the WeWriWa rules have been relaxed. The goal is to maintain ease of finding the weekly snippet, but allowing more promo for published books.  You can check them out here: http://wewriwa.blogspot.com/p/the-rules-of-wewriwa.html
      We love our core group, the close-knit community that has evolved here at WeWriWa, the ease and joy of our weekly 'gathering,' but we also recognize that the time authors spend sharing and commenting has to make marketing sense, too. Time is precious.  This change would also eliminate the need for the "wonky punctuation to stay within guidelines" disclaimer. 


 The Original:

Emmily Wagner lost everything that bound her to her ordinary and happy life. Now she has one simple plan: Move to the mountains and start over. Just stick to the mission, find her muse, write her book, and never ever fall in love again.

But, you can’t plan everything, like a UFO crash-landing on the next ridge over, or being held up at gunpoint—maybe ray-gunpoint—in the middle of nowhere. The gun wielders demand her help for their friend, General. He’s bleeding, confused, and, sweet Lord, he's good looking…even while  sneering and growling at her.

She might be their hostage, but she’s not blind to the peril they’re in. They’re running from something, and they’ll wind up dead if their whereabouts are discovered. And she’s not sure which is worse. If whoever is chasing them catches up, or if they’re found by  the men in shiny black cars with government plates.

Her resolve to never love again is hanging by a tattered thread. She needs to keep her heart where it belongs, because as soon as General's rescue ship arrives, he’s gone.

 

20 comments:

  1. why do they ask her to help? has she a medical background? and why has she lost everything?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much, Iris. :-) She doesn't have a medical background--and she actually thinks (for the readers benefit) "I'm no doctor," I tell them. What do they expect me to do?" :-)

      She lost her marriage, her parents, her job, and her home all in the year preceding when this story takes place. I can't find a way to include all that info in the blurb. (My 280 word version that read more like a synopsis did it include it lol). Anyway, I'm glad to read your response because I hope those are questions a potential reader will ask.

      I dunno. The more I know the less I know. :-)

      Thanks again!

      Delete
  2. It's definitely a great start! Iris's questions are important, but I would maybe remove the last paragraph, and put a short sentence about her refusing to give her heart away again after the second paragraph. Makes it a little more intense, whereas the last paragraph leaves me with a feeling of sadness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Jessica! I'm still waffling on the last para. Maybe the potential reader will think it's too sad?

      Writing a book is so much fun...right up until this stuff. lol

      Delete
  3. I like the story line you present. If you want to tighten it, remove the passive phrases i.e. might be, is hanging, being held etc. and make them crisper and more active voice to engage the reader. Love the government plates!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Nancy! I never saw them until you mentioned them. What a difference!

      Delete
    2. Still deliberating on "...if their whereabouts are discovered
      ."

      Delete
  4. I like your blurb, though I might slightly reword the final sentence. Maybe combine the last two sentences too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Carrie-Anne! Wow--I think that sounds so much better, and it tightened it up.

      Delete
  5. Sounds good to me! Looks like you've already gotten a lot of good advice. I did notice the repletion of the word "Even". They're close together so it sticks out. And I hate to tell you this, but chances are you'll be asked for a short blurb too, about one paragraph long.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, the things I'm blind to! Thanks so much for catching that! :-) I made the change. You guys are all awesome. <3

      Delete
  6. Don't you just love writing blurbs? So far so good, I'd say.

    My approach to blurbs could be described "write down everything I think is really essential to the story and then delete most of it." I suspect you can do some trimming.

    The sentence beginning "Even though she's their hostage..." is primarily a transition. It'd be fine in the story itself but in a blurb? How would the blurb read without that sentence?

    You asked about the last sentence, which tells me you think it might not be necessary. Try reading the blurb without it. Can you delete it? I also like Carrie-Ann's suggestion about combining the last two sentences.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Feels to me like you've got a good foundation. I'm not good at blurbs either, but I believe they should focus on hook, stakes, and choice. There's no room for anything that distracts from a clean message, so for example mentioning Murphy doesn't add anything to this equation.

    I think you've got the essence here, but there is plenty of opportunity for tightening up. If you don' mind, I'll drop more thoughts into an email rather than the comments here.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sent you an e mail with my thoughts...

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don't have much experience with blurbs but I think the advice about removing the passive voice is great start. (I'm so guilty of this). I use the Hemmingway Editor (it's a free desktop app) to highlight passive voice in my writing.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Blurbs are not my favorite thing to write either. But your up to a great start. Blurbs should be about 100-150 words. :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I've never written a blurb I liked, but I think you've got a great start. Some of the advice the others gave sounds good.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Just a couple of suggestions: 1st paragraph change this sentence to Now she has one simple plan: start over and never-ever fall in love again. Then end the second paragraph at the ellipsis. That will save you about 30 words. And now I want to read this book even more!

    ReplyDelete
  13. You've gotten a lot of great advice! I just did a blurb review session on my stuff, and the reviewer suggested cutting out as many names as possible. So for you, probably lose the dog's name and her last name, since they're not essential for the story.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Suggestion:

    Even though humans are taboo, Rael can’t ignore this Earth woman, Emmily Wagner. Despite how scared she is, her willingness to help them touches his heart.

    Rael has been told humans are taboo, but he can't ignore Emmily. Her willingness to help despite fear has touched his heart.

    Put her last name back at the beginning or leave off. It cuts four words.

    ReplyDelete