This week, returning to ATNS. Marissa, playing hide and seek with her toddler-Gavin, has just experienced a blinding light and a disorienting noise while hiding behind a shrub. Her last sensations were falling, intense pressure, a hard landing, and blackness.
"She opened her eyes, then blinked hard, trying to get her bearings. Sharp cold stung any exposed skin and seeped through her clothing; she shivered. A quick survey did nothing to clear her confusion—bare metal walls, rusted in places, with nothing to indicate where she was. The same with the floor beneath where she lay. A panicked thought of Gavin had just begun to form when it was brought to an abrupt end."
That's it for this week's snippet. Any and all comments are received with gratitude and graciously acknowledged.
Have a great week, :-)
Teresa
I like the opener very much, the reader dives right into the action with these short, concise clauses. Then the harsh wake up - or moment before waking up. And that last sentence kicked me in the stomach! You truly understand the craft.
ReplyDeleteKnow what I like most? In your writing, there are hardly ever any diversions from the storyline. It's purely plot-driven, which always makes for a great pacing and a wonderful read. hugs'n'huhugs :)
Thanks, Dana! One of my old supervisors (from work) was the first person to read this story--back in 2006. She told me I write like a man--that if she didn't know me, she'd think a man had chosen a female pen name...and it was for the reason you just mentioned. It's hard to know when I am actually skimping on details, though.
DeleteHugs right back to you, dearie! :-)
Gavin would be my first thought, too, but what diverted that thought? Nice six!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jessica. :-) Next week...
DeleteWowm great six. I'm intrigued now about where she actually is, and what's stopped her thinking about Gavin.
ReplyDeleteThanks Paula. Your comment is good to read. I hope the reader wonders. :-)
DeleteOh my gosh...what has happened? I can't wait to find out...
ReplyDeleteGreat six!
Thanks, Ann! Big smile here...
DeleteLove the punch in the sentence structure here. Great reactions and use of the senses. Very nice six, Teresa.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kate. I hope her reaction is believable. :-)
DeleteGreat job conveying the disorientation of the scene. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steven! Congrats on your release! :-)
DeleteThis does not sound like the kind of place where I would ever want to wake up. You're writing has stayed consistently powerful with each snippet of this story that you post. Also, thanks for the retweet :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess. ~humbled~ And you are quite welcome for the RT! Writers helping writers...it's a beautiful thing :-)
DeleteOh, scary. I got a sense of the coldness from your description. I did kind of trip a bit when I got to the end, because the last sentence seems like the ideal place to segue right into what happened to her rather than just say her thought was interrupted, but I realize you might be working with the restraints of SSS right here. I'm definitely anxious to find out what's next!
ReplyDeleteHmmm... mulling over your comment, Owly! I'll take a better look at that tomorrow after work :-) Thanks! :-)
DeleteScary, cold and disorienting. But why rust?
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sue. Trying to establish a visual...and swaying the reader's perception of the place she's in. :-)
DeleteBeautiful writing. I can feel the cold despair she is feeling. I do enjoy how you bring the reader into the story and help us feel what your characters feel.
ReplyDeleteThanks, ML! I feel good after reading your words. The SSS might be as good for us as the Insecure Writers' group :-)
DeleteAwful! Is she just waking up, or is this part of the memory?
ReplyDeleteWell, :-) She is having a dream. Or...is it actually a repressed memory? That is something the reader has to figure out. I'm not trying to be cagey. That is the obstacle she has to overcome in the book. The MC doesn't know if the dreams are just dreams...or if they are memories...or if she thinks they are true--because she wants them to be true. Thanks, Kate!
DeleteWhat a place to end it... a great hook. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Goran! :-)
ReplyDelete