Hope everyone had a good week. For anyone who doesn't know, Six Sentence Sunday is a bloghop--and one of the friendliest. Participants post six sentences of their writing, then the fun begins. Readers hop from blog to blog, sharing opinions, critiques and encouragement. We know what a solitary pursuit writing is--and Six Sentence Sunday is a great way to meet other writers and take a break from our solitude. Complete rules and a sign up form are at the site here.
Returning to my WIP, ATNS, Marissa is running for her life. The scene began with her playing hide and seek with her toddler, and something strange happened--a blinding light and a disorienting sound. She's not at the State Park anymore, and her son is not with her. She's running through what seems to be a metal building. At the end of last week's six, she witnessed something being bitten in half by a very large beast.
"Was it? It was! A person! God--this can’t be real. Another scream pierced her ears; it was her own."
Wow, lol, that might be the shortest six I've ever posted. :-)
I'm particularly curious about the word "God", in her thought. Is it more or less powerful with it included? My intent was not a prayer or to summon god. It is just fright. Does it feel that way?
All comments, opinions, criticisms, greatly appreciated and graciously acknowledged. Have a wonderful week, all. :-)
I took it as fright. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Alexa! :-)
DeleteI think it works well. Sounded frightened and overwhelmed. Good 6!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kylie! :-)
DeleteShort, but her fear and confusion is evident. Great six! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jessica :-) Hoped to convey that fear. :-)
DeleteShort and very concise. That's not easy to accomplish. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess. I shortened the sentences for maximum impact. I want the reader to race along with her. :-)
DeleteMight be a short six, but you packed a lot into those six! I'm going to keep reading. Looking forward to next week.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Denise! Your short story looks awesome. Can hardly wait to read it. :-)
DeleteShort but emotional. I like the addition of "God", people tend to say that when they're feeling very strong emotions. I think it adds realism.
ReplyDelete(BTW your post about your dad was very moving. You two were lucky to have each other :D)
Thanks, Owly! I hoped it didn't muck it up. And thanks for reading my other posts! My dad was a character. :-)
DeleteThat's quite a six! I'm with everyone else, thought the use of "God" conveyed her terror, seemed fine to me in the context. Excellent excerpt!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica! :-)
DeleteI am very glad I did not read this at lunch time. Disturbing situation for her to find herself in.
ReplyDeleteHer use of "God" didn't strike me as particularly religious.
Thanks, Kate. I like having sixers out there who are willing to share opinions. :-)
DeleteHi Teresa, short and explosive six this week! The use of "god" works exactly as you intended, And the -- adds that nice dramatic pause. I can imagine her saying it out loud that way. You did it again!! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, dearie! Cool that you picked up on that little pause! Thanks. :-)
DeleteShort is punchy and good. Nice job, Teresa.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kate. Good. No bogging down. All action.
DeleteThe short sentences really convey her fear and shock; as does the 'god'. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Karen. Keeping them short worked as I'd hoped, then. :-)
DeleteShort, but intense! She has got to be frantic from everything that has happened, especially losing her son, and you show that. Good job.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sandy! :-)
DeleteWicked. Nay, your word choice of God sounds fine and not a call out to Him. Sounds perfectly normal given her strange circumstance. This was cray!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carrie! Woot! :-)
ReplyDeleteThis definitely is the shortest Six I've ever read. The short, powerful bursts make this really strike the readers emotions. Great Job, Teresa. Wonderful Six!
ReplyDeleteThanks, M.L.! :-) I'm glad the sort bursts worked. :-)
DeleteYou are always one of my favorite SSS author's to read. Though I did take God as a prayer, namely because you capitalized the G. Though clearly that was just me. :)
ReplyDeleteAwe, thank you, Marie. I'm humbled. Oh, that pesky capitalization thing. it's difficult, because Marissa grapples with the idea of a god. But, being hopelessly human, is gen toward believing in God when times get tough, but doubting the rest of the time. I'm not sure if I', doing it right, or not, lol... If we are lucky, we never stop learning ;-)
DeleteDepends on whether this would be the way she would speak.
ReplyDeleteWow. Thanks, Sue--for this wow moment. So simple, but danged! Never thought of it that way. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm so slow getting around to "last" week's snippets that I'm just in time for this week's. LOL I'll comment on it when I'm done here. I love the pacing in this one. The short bursts of sentences is like someone running and panting. As for capitalizing or not capitalizing or even using the word "God", I think the way you've written it conveys what you want. It seems to me to be both exclamation and prayer, which is what I'd be doing in her shoes. Remember that old adage, "There are no atheists in a foxhole." Off to read this week's!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Silver. You are such a font of wisdom! I am grateful for your comments. You've affirmed what I'd hoped to convey with the short sentences...and given me good clarification on the use of god in the sentence. :-)
ReplyDelete