Returning to my WIP, ATNS, Marissa is running for her life. The scene began with her playing hide and seek with her toddler, and something strange happened--a blinding light and a disorienting sound. She's not at the State Park anymore, and her son is not with her. Her situation has taken a turn toward the terrifying. She's running through what seems to be a metal building. At the end of last week's six, she witnessed a large, raging beast bite a person in half.
"At full run, she caught a flashing-by view of wild fury in
the beast’s black eyes. Another glimpse—a child and woman, eyes full of terror,
huddled against a wall. Jesus, this really, really, can’t be happening! Her pulse thumped in her ears as she passed
the raging predator.
Racing past more bare metal, she turned another corner where a long corridor opened before her. Screams followed by guttural sounds pushed her beyond any kind of reason. Dashing through a half-lit doorway, she slowed when she reached the darkness beyond."
Racing past more bare metal, she turned another corner where a long corridor opened before her. Screams followed by guttural sounds pushed her beyond any kind of reason. Dashing through a half-lit doorway, she slowed when she reached the darkness beyond."
I confess. It's seven. But it completes a scene--and there is a mood shift next.
All comments, opinions, criticisms, greatly appreciated and graciously acknowledged. Thanks for visiting, and have a wonderful week, all. :-)
And what is hiding in that darkness? What will happen to the woman and child? What's Marissa's internal dialogue?!? Inquiring minds want to know! LOL This is another great six. I love the way you are setting up the scene with word choice and pacing. I want Marrissa to be able to take a deep breath, just like I want to take one because I'm right there with her! Well done, lady!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Silver. You ask the best questions. I think you could prompt anyone right out of writer's block! :-)
DeleteOh Teresa... I love to visit you on SSS day! Another great 6 (*cough* 7) ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Marie! How is that "Red", and her wolf doing?? On my way to see. :-)
DeleteI like it! The tension is very gripping. As for the 7, I've been known to (or maybe no one has noticed) edit a natural 7-or-more-sentence scene down to 6. Shh!! ;)
ReplyDeleteWell done.
(Lips zipped--won't say a word) ;-) lol, thanks for reading it Richard! And for your encouraging words. :-)
DeleteOh my gosh! So intense! I wonder what waits for her in the darkness beyond.
ReplyDeleteHaha...something strange and nice, Jessica :-) Thanks for visiting :-)!
DeleteThe tension in this snippet is amazing. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess! :-) This was a great excercise in holding tension through a scene. :-)
DeleteAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
ReplyDeleteOk, sorry. Great tension and motion here. I love it!
Thank you, Steven. Woot! That great "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" comment coming from the master of tension, himself! :-)
DeleteLove how you keep the tension up. Your mind goes to interesting places, Teresa!
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering though if Marissa would notice the beast's eyes more than just it's overall beyond-shocking self. Mentioning eyes does tend to increase the emotional impact of a scene, but as I'm picturing what's happening, it seems like the beast itself is so overwhelming that its eyes would be secondary.Just a thought.
BTW, I'm pretty sure we'd all rather have 7 here than 6 :D
Hey Owly :-) Yeppers. You've made an excellent observation. And, blind to my own work, I also didn't think about the redundancy in focusing on eyes in two consecutive sentences. Thanks!
Delete5, 6, 7... who's counting? I admit, I often squish two sentences into one just to make it fit. And this is a brilliant, er, 7. Very tense and wonderfully descriptive, it really draws me in and makes me want to know more. Bravo.
ReplyDeleteThank you, so much, Karen! :-) I am so glad you were drawn in, AND want to know more. :-)
DeleteI really, REALLY hope that's not real! Scary stuff. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kate! Dreams...reality, dreams,memories, reality, dreams?? :-)
DeleteUGHHH I can feel the tension in my knotted stomach as I read....fantastic!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Maryellen. I don't think I've caused so many people discomfort, lol, and it is strange--but good ;-)
DeleteOooh, scary and tense! Love the heightened sense of danger in this. Great six!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Maeclair :-) !
DeleteSuch a great sense of motion and just pure panic in this. Really sucks you in.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Eleri--I am glad to read that! :-)
DeleteLots of danger and action. Nice going. Hell of a situation to find yourself in!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kylie! Yep...and it is just the beginning. But, it does have its moments. :-)
DeleteThis scared the heck out of me. *shivers* And now I'm going to worry what happens! Great scene. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Donna. I hope he readers all worry what happens. ;-)
DeleteDoesn't sound like a bedtime read, but I sure want to know what comes next.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sue. :-) She is about to have a head-on collision with her future--or her insanity... :-)
Delete