Weekend Writing Warriors: Week 2
"He must be French… from the sound of his voice.
Funny how the mind meanders in the downtime of even the most bizarre situations. She changed her mind; he must be German--identifying himself as Cuylrh dae Medoch, the last syllable pronounced like he was clearing his throat. Definitely a German, with the most striking gold eyes she could ever have imagined.
Then again… why on God’s green earth would she ever have imagined a cinnamon-skinned, giant of a man, with gold eyes? Oh yeah, and add that he spoke some French dialect of German.
An unsettling thought gnawed at her in spite of her reluctance to acknowledge it; maybe she wasn’t even on God’s green earth."
That's it. What jumps out at you, good or bad. I'd love to hear it.
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...French dialect of German...to the European in me, that is deliciously surreal :)
ReplyDeleteCool comment, Ian! Made me smile ;-)
DeleteIs he beside her; is he not beside her? There is mystery within mystery!
ReplyDeleteHaha! Intuitive, you are, Carol! Is it her insanity, her dream passing for reality?? :-)
DeleteHmmm, "French dialect of German". He must be from Alsace. ;-) This brought a smile to my face: "the last syllable pronounced like he was clearing his throat". Have heard something similar from hubby. LOL
ReplyDeleteIntriguing story and I would love to know where exactly Marissa is.
:-) I love it! You and Ian ^above have commented on that line--which is rather reassuring to me. I'll be curious what Dana has to say if she makes it this far in her rounds. :-) lol--I wonder if anyone would pick up on the name is I tried to manipulate the word, "Alsace" for where he's from--far away, across the night sky?? ;-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for giving it a read, Debbie :-) And thank you for everything!
You're welcome. :-) Clever phrasing there, my friend. Let me know when the book comes out; sounds like an absorbing tale.
DeleteFascinatingly visual. So much going on in this scene I'm still processing...in a good way. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Gem! :-)
DeleteSeems like she's coping well! Excellent description.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elaine! :-)
DeleteYou've created a great visual! I thought it might be fun though, if she thought he was French, not from the sound of his voice, but perhaps by the way he carried himself - his posture or an attitude on his face. I will need to know where she is, so I look forward to more!
ReplyDeleteAll interesting ideas, Melissa! If you have time--I know, you are a busy person, but if you have ever have time, it would be fun if you joined us and posted a snippet of "The Christmas Story". :-)
DeleteThanks for visiting! :-)
"What jumps out at you - good or bad" this is a great question to start a critique session! :)
ReplyDeleteThe good: "Funny how the mind meanders in the downtime of even the most bizarre situations." This was my favorite line, it had voice, showed some of her character, and was very relatable to your readers, which in turn draws us in. Nice work :)
The "bad": It's a WIP, so I know there's some weeding to do in the garden of edits - and this passage could use some tightening...1 jumping out at me is easy: I'd cut the "so" in "hungry, thirsty, and so tired."
Happy Sunday, thanks for sharing!
Wow, thank you so much, ODM. I'm humbled at how blind I become to my own work. And it's always nice to find a gem of comment that points out something that "jumped at them". :-)
DeleteWhat stuck out to me was the French dialect of German. I thought that was odd. If he's speaking French with a German accent, or German with a French accent I understand. But a dialect is an off shoot of the root language. Isn't it? Not an expert, so could be wrong.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to read more...
Thanks, Karen. I will take note of that and do a little research. Thanks for visiting, reading, and taking the time to comment. :-)
DeleteWhen I think of France and Germany, it's impossible not to be reminded of "Casablanca."
ReplyDelete"Is that cannons or the beating of my heart?"
Lovely! Thanks, Frank :-)
DeleteI like how she ponders who the man is and where he's from. The French dialect of German was amusing, as it showed her confusion really well. For me, the comment at the end about her not imagination that she wasn't on earth anymore tripped me out of the third person point of view, into an omniscient one, which I found a little jarring. Was this the intension?
ReplyDeleteYes, indeed, Clare. I was remiss in not including in the set up that this is the end of a chapter, and at the end of each, the narrator's voice emerges and gives a hint to the reader, often foreboding, generally forewarning.
DeleteMy jury can still be swayed. Beta readers liked it and said it kept them turning pages.
I'm just the blind writer who has been working on this one since 2005 and can no longer see it. If that makes sense?
Thank you so much for comment. And I'm certainly weighing it in. :-)
Interesting way to portray her confusion in whatever the situation might be. Excellent excerpt!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veronica!
DeleteI feel as if I'm coming in at the middle since I am unfamiliar with your characters. The nationality thing struck me as well. I'm sure I'll learn more as this is my new Sunday home :D
ReplyDeleteWelcome to your Sunday home! Wewriwa is so glad to have you! :-) And thanks for visiting :-)
DeleteThe rhythm of the thoughts, jumping from one detail to another without settling, conveys her confusion in a place where pretty much everything is strange.
ReplyDeleteThanks, EP :-) Much confusion right now. ;-)
DeleteI'm fascinated by your imagination, Teresa. It all works for me. Good solid eight.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charmaine. :-)
DeleteGolden eyes... very striking. Love the visual it creates!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Amy :-) !
Deletecinnamon skin, golden eyes, french with a dialect of german... I love her questions. The fact that you can tell she's completely confused by the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteWhere are your books, Teresa, so I can read them? The whole way through? :)
Loved this snippet.
Thanks, Marie! :-) Oh, Marie, I've been working on this one since 2005. Currently working with an editor on a NaNo project from two years ago--different genre.
DeleteSometimes I get discouraged and think I'll never get anything published. But on those days, my consolation is this: Dang! I'm enjoying the journey. ;-)
Love the colorful descriptions!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ann. Finding the fine line between enough, too much, and too little :-)
DeleteI'm new to your postings, so the initial quotes confused me. I thought she was speaking, but you'd forgotten the end quote. Then, at the end, I realized you put quotes around the whole passage. After that, pretty smooth reading.
ReplyDeleteGreat internalization. Says as much about her as it does about him, maybe more. Great job!
Thanks, Virginia! And thank you for pointing out something I should have been more careful of. I'll do something next week to make the difference obvious. :-)
DeleteThose predators didn't give her a clue?
ReplyDeleteThis snippet is lacking in predator detail. She's seen them close enough that she realizes she's never seen them before. But it hasn't quite sunk in yet that she isn't on earth, and that's why she doesn't know what the predators are.
Delete"Funny how the mind meanders in the downtime of even the most bizarre situations." Absolutely authentic! My mind does that too.
ReplyDeleteI also love the French dialect of German. Maybe he's Swiss? Great eight!
Thanks, Kate! Yeah, me too. I've had times when I caught myself doing it. Do you think it might be a survival strategy when confronted with something we can't comprehend. That simple logic can't make sensible? I think we manage stress in this manner. :-)
DeleteSwiss?? Maybe. Or...maybe not ;-)
Her thoughts about his accent were interesting - but the last sentence seemed to jump out of her thoughts, into an omniscient view i.e. the author telling the reader something the character doesn't actually know.
ReplyDeleteRight or wrong, Paula, that is what's going on. :-)
DeleteI love the sense of mystery! If I were to change anything, I'd delete the sentence that starts "Funny how..." Or maybe move it somewhere else. I feel like it doesn't quite belong there, like it's interrupting her train of thought...
ReplyDeleteInteresting thought, Amy. Everything is on the table, yet. :-) Thanks :-)
DeleteShe seems like a very strong woman---I'd love to see her reaction when she finds out exactly where she is!
ReplyDeleteWith some work and perseverance on my part... Thanks for visiting and for your kind comment. ;-)
DeleteI love how she's sarcastic with herself. I'd also love to 'be there' when she discovers where she is (or rather, isn't). Fun, well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks, AJ. She is sarcastic with herself. lol. Thanks for noticing :-)
DeleteOui oui! Love your 8!
ReplyDeleteMerci, Sara. :-)
DeleteReesie, your excerpt made me smile. Thank you, I needed that after that odyssey today! :) And in fact, I do know some French sounding dialect talking Germans, so that notion is really not that far-fetched! Here in Germany we call them Saarländer But in all seriousness, I always do enjoy your character's way of reflecting. Very well done!
ReplyDelete(I'll be ducking for the rest of the day in case someone from Saarland throws something at me)
DeleteI'm so tickled to have you weigh in on this. I knew you'd know! Cool. Thanks, dearie.
DeleteSounds like she has her hands full with all those hostiles. I liked her thought processes...searching for any sort of normalcy in a strange place.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lila. Yeah, she does have her hands full, and trying to make sense of it is a big part of that! :-)
DeleteI feel mystery and she loved her inner dialog. This drew me in and I'll be back next week. Great job! :-)
ReplyDeleteI mean I loved her inner dialog. Holy cow I need a break from writing in third person. :-)
ReplyDeletelol... I know what you mean, Brenda :-) And thank you so much for the kind comment. :-)
DeleteBetween the cinnamon-skinned giant and the weird animals how did she not know she wasn't in Kansas any more? LOL She's in for a rude awakening! Loved the snippet!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jenna! Yes, rude awakening for sure. :-)
ReplyDeleteI liked her thought processes, but the final line is in Omniscient POV, not really hers at all. You might want to change it so it's something she realizes in just a bit. I really like her trying to figure it out. Nicely done, Teresa.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Siobhan. I finally got a chance to edit it today. I think it's stronger for the effort. :-) See you next Sunday. :-)
DeleteOriginal. I enjoyed this!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Catherine :-) !
DeleteFavourite line: "Funny how the mind meanders in the downtime of even the most bizarre situations." :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting, Dean :-)
Delete